My girlfriend recently dumped me and she’s going out with this hippie guy now, and he’s a fucking douche. It tears me up to see my woman with some dude who shops at Whole Foods and read one page of Deepak Chopra and now thinks he’s a fucking philosopher. He’s a total scumbag. What should I do?
Hatin’ Hippies in Houston
Dear Hatin’ Hippies,
I thank you most readily for writing in this week with your issue and I offer you my sympathy. It is a shame that you have found yourself cucked by one of the worst images present in humanity; that being the hippie. Hippies, historically speaking, anyways are a movement of individuals born out of boredom, debauchery, and dissatisfaction, very similar to the early black metal movement, but less interesting :-). No one likes a hippie. They smell, they have pubic lice, and see no issues with spreading gonorrhea and poorly worded misinterpreted quotes from seminal philosophers that they can only pretend to understand. They are the true falses of this world, and I recommend here that you take action in the harshest manner possible. I advisethat you find this young plebian outside of the essential oil store after closing, overpower him (which will not be difficult) and roll him up in a cheap import Indian print carpet and light the whole thing on fire. That way he can die, just like he lived.. smokin’ like a joint of his RasTafarian marihuana. 😉
I recommend y0u kill her as well, as any woman who deigns to do the nasty with the hippie past-y, is only a danger to the future of glorious humanity.
Be sure to E-Mail Varg with all your burning love advice questions, and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.