So, I haven’t had a date in a while and I decided to try that Tinder app and met this super cute girl. She seemed pretty normal and we had drinks and went to bar trivia, everything seemed good until we went back to her place.. Dude she has at least 12-15 gigantic fucking tarantulas in these huge aquariums all over her house.
I’m not into spiders. What should I do?
Terrified of Tarantulas in Toronto
Hi Terrified of Tarantulas,
I thank you for writing in to the column this week with your current love predicament. There are many things in this meagre plane of Midgard that infuriate me and spiders are one of those things. While they are certainly powerful creatures of myth and legend, there is something unsettling about the arachnid that has never sat well with me. Have you seen the major Hollywood Judeo Christian dream machine release called Harry Potter? There is a large spider in this series named Aragog which is truly horrifying. I have based some of my own RPG MYFAROG on the concept of giant arachnids like Aragog and the awful Ungoliant from The Lord of the Rings.
I believe that in your case, being unnerved by the arachnid pets of your potential wife is normal. What is not normal, however, is a young bride obsessed with insects of any variety. You have some options in dealing with this misery of yours, you could either let all of the spiders loose, which is dangerous and may not solve your problem outright, or you could burn her house down. Preferably with her inside it. You can call it your “scorched earth policy”, and instead of chewing your arm off when you wake up next to Spiderwoman, you can simply remove all traces of her life from existence.
Don’t bug out about love! Make sure to E-Mail Varg with all your love advice queries and you may see them answered in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.