Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Hiddleswift

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Hi Varg

I’m writing in this week with something kind of embarassing..  My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years and I think we have a good relationship.  She’s really into Tom Hiddleston and that’s fine but I think he’s a really shitty actor ya know?

That movie he did where he tried to be Hank Williams was fucking terrible and he runs around dressed as a woman in the Thor movies.  It’s just cringey to me.  Anyways I guess he’s dating Taylor Swift now and my girl is hyper obsessed with the photos that go up of those two together..  Theres this one fuckin pic and its like him and that fag who played Deadpool and their fucking boring ass wives all sitting together looking super white drinking fucking wine..  Oh my god it’s so terrible and so fucking basic looking.

Anyways my girl is obsessed with it and she keeps blogging it as #relationshipgoals, and she’s been up my ass lately to do cute things like this with our friend group and be romantic and stuff and yeah I guess we could but it’s like..  this shit isn’t real.  It’s just fake you know?  I think our relationship is more meaningful than that.

What do you think I should do?  I don’t want her to get pissy and dump my ass because I won’t take her to a fucking country club or wear TOMS shoes or some other faggy shit.

Hooped by the Hiddles in Houston

hiddles

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Dear Hooped by the Hiddles,

While I certainly can understand the pressure that you are feeling from your good wife to live up to the near unattainable standards of the Judeo-Christian Hollywood ‘hype’ machine, I must caution you.  Taylor Swift is a favourite recording artist of mine if only because of her shrewed Judeo-Christian business sense and her ties to the Aryan Nation.  Her songs are very catchy because they are designed to be.  She uses sexuality and poorly written lyrics in order to trick unsuspecting dopes out of their money, much like most black metal fans who sees spikes and nails on anything and throw dollars and dignity at it until they too can look as Dead as Dead :-).

I accept Thomas Hiddleston’s portrayal of Loki, but agree that the film ‘I Saw the Light’ was quite subpar.  Back to the matter at hand – I think that you should act romantically with your wife and though I do not endorse the falsehoods of the Instagram, I do find purpose in making time to be romantic.  Small things mean everything to the female mind.  A meandering hike in full camo to the gun range where my wife can stop to pick wildflowers will have her smiling for the rest of day, even when she’s on her knees for some hanky panky later.  There is nothing quite so lovely as the smile of a wife who is pleased with her husband.  I feel that you should find compromise.  Perhaps you take her to the country club to drink white wine and engage with others in the selfie picture and later on she’ll be gulping down something else that is white ;-).

Best wishes,

Varg Vinegar

 

 

Be sure to E-Mail Varg with all those questions you have about the bugs on your crotch, and those love letters you have yet to send to Michael Buble, and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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