The Shallows

Hey there tiny friends.

Has summer come to your necks of your particular woods yet?

It sure has over here and currently we are cooking in the barren desert wasteland of the graveyard, and that’s alright I guess.

Since we have nothing better to do, and the local theatre has $3.50 movies on Tuesday nights and it’s air conditioned, we recently went to see The Shallows, and despite looking god awful in the trailer, it actually wasn’t bad.

Read on to find out more:

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So I kinda got the feeling that I would hate this movie simply because it looks like something I’ve already seen a bunch..  I’m talking about a little film called JAWS.  You might have heard of it, I dunno.

I’m generally not into shark movies.  Really any animal movies, aside from Anaconda because that shit was the bomb, and I guess that song by Nicki Minaj is pretty cool too?  I dunno.

Anyways, this film stars Blake Lively, a seagull, a CGI shark and for a brief moment in time, a drunk Mexican.  I’m all about doing things on a budget so I appreciated how low rent this film was from the get go.

I didn’t know Blake Lively was married to Ryan Reynolds or dating him or whatever the kids romantically call smashing pissers, but, yeah.  Turns out she was inspired by Ryan Reynolds’s film Buried which was so boring I turned it off part way through.

By turned off, I mean passed out on the couch drunk on whiskey and woke up at 6am still drunk and thought I had travelled through time btw.  You know how in X-files when they get abducted by aliens and Mulder is all “WE LOST TIME”..  like that.  Possibly with less aliens.  Yeah.  Yeah, actually.  Less aliens.

Anyways.  Who the fuck is Blake Lively?  No idea.  She has a porny kinda name I guess and blonde hair and a pretty banging body so that’s all I need to know really.

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I debated posting just this photo for my review.  Good thing my good taste prevailed.  Will save for future fap.

Aside from having a butt that just won’t quit, Blake Lively also has some fairly decent acting chops since she spent the majority of this film acting alongside a wounded seagull.  Steven Seagull if you will.

I’m sorry.

I’m so so sorry.

I’ll show myself out.

I’ll send for my things.

Anyways.  Story goes that this broad is a surfer who just quit medical school to go find the beach her mom surfed at.  Her mom died of cancer.  Sad emoji.

Her family is obviously pretty bummed that she quit medical school because not only is she pretty hot, she’s obviously pretty smart.

She decides to surf at this random remote beach and hitches a ride there with a spicy Mexican hot dad, which sent Rigby into convulsions..  erotic convulsions.

Anyways, all moistness aside, this broad surfs away on the beach until she rolls up on her surfboard to a whale carcass floating around the ocean, which she somehow wasn’t able to smell even though it was a few hundred yards from her, but yeah okay.

Whales are really big.  They stink even when they aren’t dead.  A gigantic rotting whale floating around the fucking ocean would stink miles away.  Alright.

Alright, let’s not get caught up in details here.

Anyways, all whale puke aside, this broad ends up on a whale carcass and a shark bites her because hey..  live sexy girl probably tastes better than whale puke, so you can’t blame a bitch.

She ends up hurt pretty bad and gets stranded on a rock at low tide.  As the tide begins to come in and the shark is circling closer and closer, sexy surfer mama is faced with the decision to try to swim to safety or somehow fight it out.

Several rescue attempts happen.  Some drunk Mexican steals her wallet and gets promptly eaten by a shark, which, um..  hello!  I paid $3.50, I wanna actually see the dude get bitten in half, not just hear it.  Jesus.

Also some dudes get eaten which is kinda bad ass.  All that’s left is a mangled helmet and a go pro, on which she records her last will and testament before flinging it into the ocean.

Also there’s a seagull friend in the mix too.  Yeah, this bird got fucked up by the shark and she’s all, “talk about a case of the Mondays, right?” and fixes his wing and they’re all pals and I know it sounds really lame, but like..  I got pretty involved in the story of the seagull, like, I was like, okay if that seagull dies I am gonna be super upset.

Spoiler alert, the seagull was fine.

Since our sexy surfer has some vague medical knowledge she’s able to tourniquet off her leg, but it still starts getting all gangreney and she decides to swim for a nearby buoy and fight the shark.  At one point she fires a flare at it and sets it on fire because the liquid whale puke everywhere is highly flammable.

FIRE SHARK!

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Sounds like the title to a SyFy film doesn’t it?

Anyways, her spicy Mexican hot dad friend’s kid finds the go pro and Dad rolls out to rescue this dumb white woman.  She battles it out with the shark and ends up tricking it into impaling itself on the sharp edges of the buoy anchored to the seafloor, and thats pretty metal AF I guess.

Of course this white lady gets rescued.  Of course she is fine.  Of course the seagull is also fine.

This movie was pretty much a perfect junk food flick for me.  It wasn’t too long.  It ran at about 75ish minutes, it didn’t have too much forced exposition and the cringey stuff was pretty minor.  I mean obviously the CGI shark was kinda shitty looking but come on.. for $3.50, what can you expect?

For a fun summer horror this one was actually not bad.

Hats off to Blake Lively and her lively derriere.

 

 

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