This review might be a bit biased because I unabashedly LOVE The Purge, and I am also a really big fan of Frank Grillos acting ability…and face..and body. So I was pretty hyped on this movie and saw it opening night with the rest of the DIAG crew and it was a super fun time.

I’m assuming you all know the plot of the purge movies so lets just dive ahead. The newest installment centers around a presidential candidate who wants to eliminate the purge, and of course whacky hijinx ensue!

The movie opens on a family on purge night being, well…purged by a crazy man. The purge concept is so interesting to me because it seems like people just go out and kill people at random, but I don’t think and/or I hope theres not a lot of people that are just itching to break into strangers homes and slaughter them but the only thing stopping them is the potential of jail time. But I guess if you lived in a situation where the purge was a normal activity it would breed sociopaths? Did I get high before I wrote this? Yes. Yes I did.

Aaaaaanyways, one of the people in said purging, Charlie, survives and grows up to be a senator running for President. Her main campaign promise is to stop the purge once she’s elected and The New Founding Fathers, the group responsible for the creation of the purge are all “uh uh girlfriend” and want her stopped and plan to do so by killing her on purge night. Jeez guys, get a bit more creative with your plans! You can’t solve every problem by purging it.

to be fair that probably should be solved by purging

The movie opens on the day before the purge with Charlie attending a presidential rally along with a team of bodyguards led by her head of security,  Hot Dad   Lieutenant Cutie   Captain Beefy Hunk  Leo. Who most of you, and especially me will remember as the main character from the second purge movie. Also can we talk about how great this guy would be as The Punisher? Way better than Thomas “now I’m wearing linen pants in a bad horror movie” Jane.

At this point in the movie, we’re also introduced to a deli owner named Joe, his employee Marcos, and his friend Laney who are just straight chilling shooting the shit, I get anxious before I call and order food over the phone so I admire anyone who can be so blasé knowing that in less than 48 hours someone could machete all their limbs off and it would be totally legal. While they’re hanging out Joe notices some teenage girls stealing a candy bar, so he busts them and makes them hand over the goods. I’m sure this wont come back to haunt him.

The night of the purge arrives and Charlie insists on staying at her house, Leo agrees but only if it’s guarded by himself, his rugged good looks, and his armed men. SHOCKINGLY someone in the group betrays them by hiring a crew of neo nazi mercenaries (naturally) that try to assassinate Charlie. Luckily they’re about as good as bounty hunting as Boba Fett, and Leo and Charlie are able to escape the house through a trap door that Leo apparently cut into her floor in secret at some point and then covered with a rug like a GD Scooby Doo episode. Bless him. They escape into the streets below but not before Leo gets shot in the shoulder. I was understandably very upset about this.

They kinda beep boop around the streets for awhile seeing some rad stuff like a STRAIGHT UP GUILLOTINE chopping someones head off, some insane shirtless dude covered in blood and yelling on a street corner and a super cool drone with frigging skulls hanging off of it flying around tracking people. The purge movies are super cool to me for reasons like this, just really weird, creepy scenes that they don’t really explain but they’re just there to make you feel like SHITS FUCKED.

FUCKING RAD

They try to make their way out of the city but they get stopped by a group of Purge tourists that have come to America to enjoy what may be the last purge. And guess what they want to do? Kick the shit out of them and then attempt to shoot them in the face.

ok I promise THIS TIME..

Meanwhile at the deli, Joe and Marcos have set up shop on the roof with some lawn chairs, beer and hunting rifles. Real relaxing evening. The girls from the day before roll up after activating a GTA cheat code that gives them a sick car covered in Christmas lights, bedazzled AK-47’s and a baller sound system pumping Party in the USA. Truly chilling.

i think its triangle, triangle, square, circle, L2 to get this cheat

They’re super mad that they didn’t get their snickers bar from the other day and they’re here to kill Joe and Marcos, and then burn down their deli. They’re really taking the new snickers ad campaign to heart.  Marcos blasts off one of their ears and the girls take off. Then Marcos is all “hey down the street, it looks like a senator and a grizzled yet strikingly handsome man are getting curb stomped over there” so they run over, kill all the tourists and bring Leo and Charlie into the deli. See, sometimes horrific events can bring people together! Maybe the real purge is the friends we made along the way.

While they’re hiding in the deli, the girls come back with more allies, an angle grinder and a guy in a pig suit (they wrote this part with mad libs) with the intent to break into the deli.

WE WANT SLIM JIMS

Everyone’s all “Joe we gotta go!” and hes all “no! I need to stay here and protect my precious stock of vitamin water and chicharones!” so he texts his friend Laney for help. Laney is currently driving around in a makeshift ambulance helping people that have been victims of various purgings, which is way nice than anything I’ve ever done with my own life. I held the door open for a few people after this movie ended and that was my good deed for the year. So Laney rolls up and with a BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER she plows into the girls and then shoots the rest of their gang. I honestly love these movies so much.

The Neo Nazi crew (remember them?) show up in a helicopter and chase the gang while they try and escape in Laneys ambulance, they end up parking in an underpass and try to figure out how the helicopter found them. Then Leo is all “oh right I got shot in the shoulder earlier, lets root around in there!” and pulls out his bullet with some tweezers. I was conflicted at this because I wanted him to take his shirt off, but I didn’t want to see him digging around in a bloody open wound. It was a real Sophies choice situation. Anyways while Leo is performing amateur surgery on himself he discovers the bullet has a tracking device (probably calibrated specifically to find blindingly attractive men) and that’s how the Nazi gang has been able to find them so easily. Meanwhile, the van has been surrounded by a gang of Crips. (that’s bad) but turns out Joe is a Crip! (that’s good…I think?) and does a super secret Crip whistle. So the Crips are all “oh shit waddup! Its dat boi!” (I COULDN’T RESIST) and agree to go dump the tracker bullet as long as Laney helps out their injured Crip…teammate(?)

Now that the gang are tracker bullet free, they head out in search of a super secret hospital that operates during Purge night that’s being run by Anti-Purge rebels. Leo does some super stealthy investigating by randomly bursting into a locked room and find blueprints to a church where all the New Founding Fathers and Charlies political rival, Owens, are all hanging out like a bunch of creeps. The Anti Purge group plan on using an old underground tunnel to gain access to the church, to then ambush and kill all of them, thus theoretically leaving Charlie unopposed in the election. Charlie wants to win the election fair and square and is against murdering (what a square) SUDDENLY the hospital is ambushed by a death squad and they have to flee in Laneys ambulance, which is them promptly slammed into by the pesky Nazis and Charlie is kidnapped.

Leo is understandably both handsome and angry about this and heads back to the Anti Purge Rebels to join them in their plan to infiltrate the church. Meanwhile Charlie is being prepped by those creeps to be purged in the church, and it’s a real weird scene.

They’re making her watch NBC’s Outsourced (LOOK IT UP)

Luckily because this movie is at the end of the third act, Leo and the rest of them bust in at the last second and shoot the sh out of everyone. Yay! But oh no! the Nazis are still there! So while the gang are hiding in the basement, Leo goes and has a SUPER SICK KNIFE FIGHT with the head nazi. It was a spiritual experience for me. Leo wins and then comes back into the room and hes all “hey guys you missed a super rad knife fight…oh Joe got shot and killed while I was gone. Whoops”

TWO MONTHS LATER

Charlie wins the dang election, and Leo is her chief of security. Marcos and Laney are rebuilding the deli, and theres a super ominious shot of the American flag while a voice over on the news explains theres been riots in retaliation for the purge being eliminated. I’m assuming this was probably mainly to set up the potential for another Purge movie which I would TOTALLY BE DOWN FOR.

Final thoughts:

-would you purge?

-have you ever stolen a candy bar, and then returned to kill the deli owner?

-how attractive do you think Frank Grillo is?

-do you think he’s single?

-I hope so

• Rigby Wolfe (@rigbot)