Hi, Friends. So just a few life updates: I don’t think my appartment is haunted anymore, my single white female stalker hit me up wanting to chill, and I’m hard at work researching a project for next Thirsty Thursday that involves a lot of Turbonegro, crying, and masturbating, but mostly masturbating. I’m pretty jazzed about it, but I don’t really know how anyone is going to take it, largely because I’m going to say that I enjoy something that isn’t current enough to be cool but also isn’t cultivated enough to be kvlt. In the meantime, though, I thought I’d share some other unpopular opinions with you in the hope that I may discover that I’m not as alone in the world as I originally thought. I can’t take credit for this concept; I’m pretty sure it’s a YouTube tag, but at least a slightly less scary journey into the human psyche than the popular “what’s in my mouth?” challenge. So without further delay, here are 15 thots bound to rustle some jimmies:
1) There are mixed feelings to be had about Darkthrone
Okay, I get it. Darkthrone is a classic. They’re good. They’re smart. They’re loyal. I appreciate that. But I don’t quite understand why they’re so often regarded as the gold standard. Innovative for their time, sure. Highly influential, of course. But they’re not the first thing I grab from my record collection when I want the black D. I can enjoy A Blaze in the Northern Sky in the car from time to time, but I actually find Transylvanian Hunger sort of unlistenable. I like Gorgoroth better. Maybe I have no taste, but fuck you, I don’t care.
2) Rob Zombie movies are good
Okay, the acting isn’t stellar, but if you’re going into a movie directed by a man with a goatee and velveteen jacket expecting Academy Award-worthy performances, then ya done goofed. To me, Zombie movies are aesthetic masterpieces, Halloween candy for those of us too old to go Trick-or-Treating. Maybe you don’t get those kinds of feels from watching Lords of Salem or House of a Thousand Corpses, but fuck you, I do.
3) Lards Von Trier movies are bad
Holy mother of god, I’d rather eat glass than sit through a Lars Von Trytoohard original. Throwing in a vague philosophical commentary that can be used to back any opinion and speeding down scenes and being a general dickhead doesn’t constitute art. It constitutes a few hours of my life I’ll never get back. Oooooooooooooo let’s talk about the Jews, how edgy. Are we 12? No. Is this Southpark? What’s that? No? Then fuck you.
4) Hot Topic isn’t *that* lame
Or at least no lamer than the rest of the mall. I did my first proper perusal of the joint in a long time this past weekend in search of some props for next week’s project. They didn’t have what I needed, but I got a cool re-print of the Marilyn Manson Portrait of an American Family shirt and a matte lipstick in a unique shade of purple. I had a nice conversation with the young man at the register. It was all and all a pleasant experience. I think HT has remained an enduring staple of your local galleria thanks to its adept eye for adopting current trends through a slightly edgier lens. And if you think you’re above that because you shop exclusively from the online cybergoth shop that takes two months to ship from Germany then fuck you. I bet that $200 military jacket didn’t come with an Auntie Anne’s lemonade motherfucker.
5) Scott Conner is the sexiest man alive
Okay, I don’t know if this one is necessarily unpopular, but I know it’s also definitely far from widely acknowledged. Known as the man behind Xasthur/that dude in that one black and white Vice doc who hates everyone, Scott lives alone with his cat and his keyboard, and may be the most eligible bachelor to melt my Tina Belcher heart. I could actually probably file my taste in men in its entirely under an unpopular opinion, but if you’d rather get taken to pound town by Five Seconds of Summer than Saint Vitus, then you guessed it – fuck you. (Hit me up, Scott, and I’ll take you to the stars in the back of my Ford Focus: jennaDIAG@gmail.com ❤ ❤ <3)
6) I would rather chew off my left leg than drink an IPA
I can pretty much drink any kind of booze at any point and time and be 200% okay with it, but beer is my one exception. I have to be in a specific mood to drink it, which generally only strikes at cookouts and $5 shows, and when I do, it absolutely has to be something light. Heineken or die. Although I tried really hard to like IPA’s, at the end of the day, I don’t understand why anyone would want to consume something that not only tastes like licking a pigeon cloaca, but also requires you to unbutton your pants the second it hits your stomach. Oh yeah, because it’s trendy. I guess the 25 and under club of dudes that learned to fuck from PornHub need to prove their manhood somehow, because lord knows it isn’t going to be from getting the ladies off. Also, whoever created IPA labels of lies saying it tastes like exotic pumpkin and pine nuts from the depths of the forests of the Pacific Northwest, fuck you.
7) Fireball isn’t just for guidos and pre-teens
Fireball is for everybody. That’s right – even you, you pretentious IPA drinking motherfucker. And let’s save ourselves of the “is it even really whiskey?” debate. Oh my god, who the hell cares. It’s fucking tasty, and that’s all that matters. Cinnamon is one of the best condiments a human can have. I put it on everything sweet the way I put hot sauce on everything savory, and if I have the option to enjoy it while I get hammered, then fuck you, you best believe I’m going to partake.
8) Cats aren’t assholes, they’re just misunderstood
I’ve found that a lot of people just don’t know what to make of cats, mostly because they go into feline interaction with the same approach that you would a dog. Welp, obvi cats don’t jump on you and try to sniff your tits like Fido does, so you shouldn’t be surprised when a little skittish meow-meow tries to scamper away when you try to overwhelm it with canine-style affection. So, what you have to do is get to know the cat before you try to bond with it, and let it get to know you too. Hold out your paw, and let them give you a sniff. Pick up on their favorite blankets and toys and make a spot next to you for them to get comfy. If you need a pet that will instead unconditionally hump your leg every time you walk through the door, then fuck you. All of Spot’s enthusiasm is mistaken for love when it’s really just for food and fucks anyway.
9) French Manicures are cute
I shamelessly rock the 90’s prom staple on the reg, zero fucks given. I can’t help but enjoy the way they match with everything and contrast with my black hair, and even better, they come in a million different variations of DIY press-on kits so you don’t have to lose brain cells huffing chemicals at the nail salon. But more than anything, I love how these shits make me feel like a fucking AVN award-wining porn star. They’re the ideal aesthetic for handing out all the handy j’s, and they even make you feel sort of classy about it like you’re one of those moderately-priced call girls in the D.C. political circuit. Even though Frenches were tired for a while, I think the grown-out gel set in the gaudy color and glitter accent on the ring finger has become the new trite nail style. So if you want to appropriate all the other 90’s trends like ribbed tops and matte lips, you best shut your mouth about my fine Parisian tips and/or go fuck yourself.
10) The lower back is a fantastic spot for a tattoo
I’m obviously a little biased about this one since I have both Mark of the Basic Bitch 1.0 and 2.0 : symbol on lower back and script on ribs. Personally, I wanted to save my arms, chest, upper back, and so on for something big and conceptual. At the same time, though, sometimes you feel compelled to just get a little something, and, fuck, you gotta stick it somewhere. For me, the lower back seemed like an appropriate place to remind myself how happy Eyehategod makes me without interfering with the canvas for my long term tattoo plans. If that makes me a tramp or whatever, then so be it. I was talking to my artist about the matter when I was getting my mermaid touched up a couple of months ago, and he said that it definitely wasn’t even anyone in the tattoo industry that even invented the term “tramp stamp.” I guess it was just a couple of random assholes to whom I would like to say fuck you.
11) Cardboard tampons will not turn your pussy into a peasant
I remember back in high school I once lent my friend a tamp and she spent the next hour busting my balls about how it was a cardboard applicator and that I ruined her day/life. For any confused dudes reading this, the options are plastic or cardboard (or Diva Cup if you’re a hippie who enjoys getting things lost in the depths of your cervix), and for some reason, there are certain women who get personally offended at the prospect of ten seconds of inserting some cardboard in their cooch. I don’t know, I find that it all feels about the same, and if it keeps me from bleeding all over the fucking city of Baltimore I couldn’t care less about the means of delivery. In the wise words of my sister, “white trash isn’t contagious,” which I think most definitely applies to your pussy. But if you want to believe otherwise and talk shit about sanitary cardboard while also continuing to use that unwashed vibrator then fuck you.
12) The internet is not leading humanity to its demise
Call me crazy, but I think regular exposure to new information, different viewpoints, and the general happs in the world is a positive thing. Humanity evolves. We find new means of communication and entertainment sometimes. Get over it. You know, people run their mouths about how people on the internet get too offended, but they’re the same ones who get the most offended of all when I’d rather read a Vice article about Ethiopian nuns ritualistically shitting on each other’s faces than make stupid small talk about the weather and listen to them bitch about their weak ass day. It also seems to be a pattern that people like to take to the internet to express their discontent about these alleged “communication breakdowns.” Also, while we’re at it, fuck you to all those leading the Millennial stake-burning – wanting to assert a personal identity while also having some healthcare doesn’t make you entitled; it makes you fucking human.
13) Euthanasia is a good idea
I worked as a food server in an assisted living facility for a long time and a saw a lot of agony in every sense of the word. Once all of your family has been dead for the past fifteen years and you can barely even stand up without getting winded, you reach a point where all the blue cheese dressing in the world isn’t going to cheer you up. Shit, you eventually flat out get tired of eating altogether. I heard a lot of ready to roll-type comments while I was there, but as one man, who was battling depression and multiple forms of cancer, once eloquently put it, “put me in my pajamas, I’m ready to die.” Unfortunately, medicine is good enough now where it can make people hold on past due, but can’t restore the vitality they once had. To me, no life is more humane than no quality of life, so fuck you to the Bible thumpers out there who think Sky Daddy would rather have people suffer than do his work for him.
14) Brussels Sprouts are fucking delicious
One a happier note, during my time at the old folks’ home, I also discovered that Brussels Sprouts are a tasty, versatile, and satisfying vegetable. As are lima beans. Along with asparagus, all of these lil green machines fall into the category of “tastes like ass but in a good way.” I like to steam them and put them over salads with beets and white beans. As I’ve mentioned in the past, the key to a filling vegan dinner salad is incorporating cooked vegetables with fresh greens. Fuck you to anyone who gives these little spheres of heaven a bum rap. That’s literally only acceptable if you’re, like, four.
15) Cunalingus is overrated