I really like your column, it’s the highlight of my week. I had a question for you, man.
I’ve been seeing this girl for about six months now. We met at this heavy metal festival and she’s super awesome. She loves metal and likes to drink beer and get high and we fuck a lot. Like a lot. She’s pretty much perfect, but theres this one thing though.. She loves Deafheaven. Loves them. They’re fucking so bad, it’s the worst hipster heavy metal I’ve ever heard and its so embarassing when I’m hanging out with my friends talking about Hecate Enthroned, Mayhem (haha), or other fucking actual metal bands and she starts talking about fucking Deafheaven.
I want to beat the shit out of George Clarke for just existing.
What do I do?
Deafheaven fucking sucks
Dear “Deafheaven fucking sucks”,
I would like to thank you for writing in to this column with what has been an illuminating and also somewhat mystifying letter. I am sorry to disappoint you here, in that, I do not know what Deafheaven is. I am not familiar with music crafted for the differently abled, and I also am not familiar with Christian rock stylings. I briefly researched this ‘music’ and found what appears to be little girls playing with toys. I do not wish to be put onto any further government lists and so I have not researched further.
As for your predicament, there are two roads you may travel down. One, you simply say nothing and allow your good wife her moments of advocacy for this music for the handicapped, and simply leave this be. If your friends are anything like yourself, they will understand the lengths that many men must go in order to feel the welcoming warm seal of approval that is a woman’s inner thighs.
Secondly, you should bludgeon her to death. Rid the world of your suffering and if you are so inclined, take your own life immediately following. Nothing is more ‘kvlt’ and ‘tr00’.
Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your burning love advice questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.