Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Food for Thought

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Dear Varg,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few months now and I know she used to date this one dude who was a total asshole, but apparently he was a really good cook.

I’m not much of a gourmet chef, but I do alright in the kitchen and I’ve been thinking I want to cook my woman a good meal.

What would you recommend?

Dirty Dining in Denver

 

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Dear Dirty Dining,

I wish to offer you my most sincere thanks and gratitude for writing in to this advice column.  While I agree to exist as many things, I must rather gleefully inform you that I consider myself to be something of an easy hand in the kitchen.

Providing food is one of the most primitive and natural things a strong Viking warrior can do for his good woman, and I feel that you set yourself on a good path to remedying your wife’s previously unfulfilling relationship.

As for what is best to prepare in the kitchen, many dishes and cuisines are suitable fare, and I would generally recommend some type of wild game and food that you have gathered and or hunted yourself.

However, I must share with you a recipe I have found to be a favored one in my household, for butter chicken.
• 2 lb chicken thighs or breasts (since we know that most men are partial to breasts, I will allow you to take your pick)
• 1 onion, finely diced
• 3 or 4 cloves of garlic, minced like the face of my ex-bandmate when I was done stabbing him
• 1 tsp minced ginger (also minced like Euronymous)
• 1 can of tomato paste
• 1 spoonful of curry that is yellow like a Chinese dragon
• 1 14 oz coconut milk
• 1/2 cup Greek yogurt
• 1/4 cup milk (preferably from your own dairy cow)
• 2 spoonfuls of coconut oil
• small handful of cilantro for garnish

If you place all of this inside a slow cooker and set the timer for 6 to 8 hours you will come to find that your house smells of an exotic temple and you will be prepared to give your fine wife the Aryan loving she demands.

I recommend pre cooking some fine jasmine basmati rice to pair with this dish, and perhaps some rice pudding to cool you both off after some heated encounters in the bedroom.

Please let me know how this goes,

Varg Vindaloo

Be sure to E-mail Varg with all your love advice questions and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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