Hey little friends.  Do you ever make those really questionable decisions sometimes when you’re baked and vulnerable?  I was out this past weekend really baked, or comfortably numb as the kids say and I found this really ratchet ass charity second hand book sale, and since I love rooting around in cast off pieces of ephemera, I figured I’d have a look through and see if I could find anything dope.  I once found like 8 Aleister Crowley books at a church book sale (?) so you never know.  Mostly it’s just old copies of Clan of the Cave Bear and Fifty Shades of Grey and shit like that, though.

Anywho, while dicking around through piles of old books, I spotted a bin of shitty DVDs and dug out a few horror titles.  Most of them I put back since the DVD discs looked like someone had rolled them through gravel and then ran them through their ass cracks before putting them back in the cases.

The one that wasn’t all muffed up was Rest Stop: Dead Ahead, and with a title like that and a price tag of $0.50, I couldn’t pass it up.

(Note to self – I paid $0.50 too much)

I’m not really sure what I was expecting here, but it certainly wasn’t a vaguely nonsensical plot with countless scenes of ridiculous exposition, interspersed with literally every trope found within the horror genre – lunk head boyfriends, stupid girlfriends, scary retards, deformed cannibal serial killer people a la the Hills have Eyes, serial killers in cars, a killer truck, madness, shitloads of ketchupy fake blood, a cop that just won’t die despite clearly suffering from intense blood loss, madness, made up shit…

They’re all here!

This movie was like the Coles Notes of the horror genre.

That said though, the lead actress is none other than the somewhat foxy Jaimie Alexander who plays Lady Sif from the lady boner inducing Thor movie series.  I’m assuming this was (and it was, thanks wikipedia) her first role and she likely hopes no one remembers this piece of cat shit.

It’s one of those – I was young and needed money situations, you know.

In case you can’t already tell, this whole thing is gonna go for a real shit here, just judging based on the number of memes I’ve had to use.

This movie was seriously awful.

Like, if you don’t review shit, or have people come to you to look over their essays and stuff..  you might not follow with me, but here’s some science for you, I have my Bach degree in English (frightening, yes?), and I always have dolts coming to me in order for me to edit their writing (a real blind leading the blind scenario, but go with me on it), and let me tell you – some of the writing I read makes literally no sense..  the people who send me shit to look over or review, like, most of them clearly have never heard a story before.

This film was like if someone who wrote someting but decided to not edit any of it got given some money to make a film and went with it.

There really was no beginning, middle or end..  Shit kept flying in from all angles and it was honestly hard to stay awake and or sober enough for long enough to keep up with the story.  Our friend Blair was dictating the story out to us while we watched it and it seriously made no fucking sense.

Also, shout out to Blair for essentially downloading this film into his brain container and regurgitating it into our barely functional brain pans like worm vom from a momma bird.

So Lady Sif is getting finger blasted by her extremely boring boyf and then they take a road trip or something and she’s all, I gotta rock a piss off, and he offers to stop by the side of the road.  Since Lady Sif doesn’t want any mongoloid truckers seeing her fanny she demands he go to a rest stop, which he does.  Somewhere in between her pissing and powdering her nose, her boyfriend is abducted/overpowered/murdered by a serial killer in a yellow truck?

She kinda freaks out a bit and somehow the police come and she sees a dead girl in the rest stop supply room who disappears?

Soooo, is Lady Sif cray or nah?

Yeah.  She cray.

So, that happens I guess, and then somehow she and the police officer hang out a bit and he gets ran over by a truck and his legs are all fucked up and don’t work (nevermind that if you break your long bones – or in this case shatter them- you would bleed out in about 20ish minutes, but hey..  i’m only a medical professional what do I know).

So they chill out in the rest stop and the cop is all dying or whatever as you do and seriously it takes him around forty minutes of forced exposition to finally convince Lady Sif to blast him in the face with his gun so he doesn’t get burned alive by this serial killer?

She shoots him, in the mouth, blows off the back of his skull and some brain, a la Dead from Mayhem, and she’s all freaking out because she killed him and then he wakes up to tell her “YOU MISSED”.

There was like six of us watching this and we all almost had psychotic episodes from laughing so hard we were crying.  It was so unintentionally hilarious that it blew our fucking minds.

I guess she escapes the rest are and then finds a family of travelling deformed cannibal mutants roaming around in a winnebago and then as soon as she meets them she leaves and then that doesn’t come up again, so that was just a meandering path of fifteen minutes of my life that I won’t get back, but yeah ok.

Then I guess she gets out of the rest stop and finds her boyfriend who wasn’t dead, and since his mouth is sewn shut she kills him mistaking him for the killer?

I have no idea.

She makes a Molotov cocktail and just trucks it down the road with her top off (?) and then the killer comes back and she blows up his truck.  Cut to black.

Then some other girl goes into the rest stop a few months later and sees Lady Sif’s ghost and freaks out and then movie ends.

Like.  I’m not making any of this up.  As to who the killer is.  Who knows.  Was LAdy Sif nuts the whole time?  Who were the Dollar Store discount cannibals?  It’s all anyone’s guess.

The DVD I paid way too much for has THREE ALTERNATE TERROR ENDINGS and we watched them and pissed ourselves laughing the whole way through each of them.

Pretty psyched that this movie was..  over.

I mean, I guess I’ve seen worse things.  I did watch almost all of Deathgasm.

 

But seriously kids.  Proofread your work.

Until next time – be sure to rock your piss off Trailer Park Boys trucker style by pissing into a dirty old milk jug and drilling it out the window, take off your top at the first sign of trouble and always stay spooky.