Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Bass Players


Hey Varg,

Not sure what to do or think of my current situation. I am well on my way to being where I want to be in my own life, and I had to make the possibly fucked up error of being friends with my ex boyfriend, and I am also in the same band with him. (He is the bass player, I am a guitarist)

I consider myself a reasonable woman, but sometimes I find myself losing patience with him. He is an adult who often behaves like a child, and seems to require some babysitting. His own mother seems only too happy that she doesn’t have to have him under her roof, right now he is under mine.. which drives me nuts.

My question is, how do I get him to find another woman and move on, I keep telling him we are not getting back together and we broke up nearly a year ago. How do I get him to find someone else to date ? I found someone else I am getting to that point with, and I am certain my ex/friend isn’t happy about the idea. I keep hanging out with him, and suggesting that he find another pretty girl to hang out with, I am to the point of pushing him into someone’s arms, literally.

I would hate to totally cut him from my life, as we do get along as friends, but something has to give.

I am just short of putting a lit box of firecrackers under his bed.


Clingy Ex-Boyfriend in Chicago



Dear Clingy,

Good woman, your first mistake was dating a bass player, you goddamned idiot. The only solution you have is to murder your ex spouse and make it look like a suicide.  Just write “I was a bass player” on the note and the federallis wont question it. I suppose if murder is not up your alley you can just sit your golem troglodyte ex-boyfriend down and say “Hey, idiot, get the fuck out of my face” and stop hanging out with him.  He is an ex for a reason and that reason being he is a bass player :-). Additionally, you could burn down his house and even though it is your house, that is a sacrifice you have to make. You might need to break up the fucking quasi weird Partridge family ass band you have going on, as well, but trust me, it will be worth it in the long run. In the words of the immortal Taylor Swift, you are never ever getting back together so tell him to hit the bricks. 

Love always, 

Varg Vikernes


Be sure to E-Mail Varg with all your burning love advice questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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