Thirsty Thursday: 60 Thoughts While Watching ‘The Witch’ Hammered

This past week, the super-hyped horror phenomenon The Witch became available on iTunes. Deep Eddy peach also showed up at my local package goods store. This is the real life mental trajectory that followed.

 1.  Annnnd I’m already confused

2.  This is going to be one of those movies where I’m going to have to have the Wikipedia plot summary open in the next tab, isn’t it?

3.  Okay, so they’re being cast out

4.  White people are crazy

5.  Visually, I’m getting this movie about the Salem witch trials that I got in the bootleg bin at the record store that turned out to be softcore porn.

6.  Except this has a budget.

7.  Wow, these kids are little shits

8.  Can we stop just ripping on Millennials now or naw

9.  Boobies

10.  Before there was PornHub, there was your sister

11.  See – this is why kids fucking need technology

12.  I see you, shirtless, wood-chopping DILF


13.  I’d let him keep it all in the family with me

14.  Okay, where did the sound go

15.  Is this one of *those* movies?

16.  Like I know it’s a Sundance film and all, but I didn’t think we’d be playing this game

17.  Alright so their mouths are moving and nothing is coming out

18.  Done should have installed those iTunes updates

19.  I’m just going to take a page from Southpark when the internet broke and turn it off and on

20.  Success #drunkgenius #tacticaldrunkenessPhD #imaspeakatyourgraduation #blessed #bigtitiesbigbutttoo

21.  So this bitchin wildin over a motherfuckin CUP?

22.  I mean I guess if someone took my giraffe tumbler with the bendy straw I’d be pretty peeved

23.  And I don’t want to talk about what I’d do if anything happened to my mug with the fruity dolphins on it

24.  Jenna, you need to work on being less judgmental

25.  I’m also starting to feel kind of shitty about stuffing my face with corn chips while Mama’s all suicidie about the harvest

26.  Like shitty in that Sarah McLachlan type of way

27.  I think I need to take the emotional investment down a few notches

28.  Ugh, what’s happening

29.  I really should have just gone with that grapefruit rose

30.  Hate on sister-sister McTits one more time


31.  Is she going to become disillusioned about her family and run off and join a the coven?

32.  Or maybe she’ll just go shoot up a school house

33.  Or maybe go found that 1600’s equivalent of Hot Topic

34.  Invader Zim petticoats and shit

35.  Seriously tho can someone put Mama on a Theraflu drip

36.  This cup has to be a symbol for something

37.  Maybe it’s her lost orgasm

38.  That happened to Samantha on Sex & the City once

39.  Sex & the Colony

40.  Yano I was close but I think it’s actually her lost sexual prowess

41.  That’s why she has all that resentment towards McTits

42.  Why else would she randomly be bringing up about how she started her purriod?

43.  This whole thing is actually an allegory for menopause

44.  When you get old and dry, does your pussy crack like a clay mask?

45.  I kind of hope I don’t live long enough to find out

46.  Oh dang, little Jedidiah getting kidnapped

47.  Those witch boobies got me confused about my sexuality

48.  Why is she into little boys tho

49.  Annnnnnnd it’s frozen

50.  Lawlz it stopped right on the goat


51.  I remember why I haven’t bought anything from iTunes since 2009 now

52.  Maybe if I fucks with the seek bar a little bit

53.  Nope, still a goat

54.  Oh god it’s giving me error numbers

55.  I can’t handle this right now

56.  I lost my eyes in Nam

57.  Well, I lost my eyes to Deep Eddy

58.  I tried.

59.  I take nap right here

60.  Goodnight



For those who want to read Robin’s thoughts on the Witch, just click this fancy hyperlink.

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