This past week, the super-hyped horror phenomenon The Witch became available on iTunes. Deep Eddy peach also showed up at my local package goods store. This is the real life mental trajectory that followed.
1. Annnnd I’m already confused
2. This is going to be one of those movies where I’m going to have to have the Wikipedia plot summary open in the next tab, isn’t it?
3. Okay, so they’re being cast out
4. White people are crazy
5. Visually, I’m getting this movie about the Salem witch trials that I got in the bootleg bin at the record store that turned out to be softcore porn.
6. Except this has a budget.
7. Wow, these kids are little shits
8. Can we stop just ripping on Millennials now or naw
10. Before there was PornHub, there was your sister
11. See – this is why kids fucking need technology
12. I see you, shirtless, wood-chopping DILF
13. I’d let him keep it all in the family with me
14. Okay, where did the sound go
15. Is this one of *those* movies?
16. Like I know it’s a Sundance film and all, but I didn’t think we’d be playing this game
17. Alright so their mouths are moving and nothing is coming out
18. Done should have installed those iTunes updates
19. I’m just going to take a page from Southpark when the internet broke and turn it off and on
20. Success #drunkgenius #tacticaldrunkenessPhD #imaspeakatyourgraduation #blessed #bigtitiesbigbutttoo
21. So this bitchin wildin over a motherfuckin CUP?
22. I mean I guess if someone took my giraffe tumbler with the bendy straw I’d be pretty peeved
23. And I don’t want to talk about what I’d do if anything happened to my mug with the fruity dolphins on it
24. Jenna, you need to work on being less judgmental
25. I’m also starting to feel kind of shitty about stuffing my face with corn chips while Mama’s all suicidie about the harvest
26. Like shitty in that Sarah McLachlan type of way
27. I think I need to take the emotional investment down a few notches
28. Ugh, what’s happening
29. I really should have just gone with that grapefruit rose
30. Hate on sister-sister McTits one more time
31. Is she going to become disillusioned about her family and run off and join a the coven?
32. Or maybe she’ll just go shoot up a school house
33. Or maybe go found that 1600’s equivalent of Hot Topic
34. Invader Zim petticoats and shit
35. Seriously tho can someone put Mama on a Theraflu drip
36. This cup has to be a symbol for something
37. Maybe it’s her lost orgasm
38. That happened to Samantha on Sex & the City once
39. Sex & the Colony
40. Yano I was close but I think it’s actually her lost sexual prowess
41. That’s why she has all that resentment towards McTits
42. Why else would she randomly be bringing up about how she started her purriod?
43. This whole thing is actually an allegory for menopause
44. When you get old and dry, does your pussy crack like a clay mask?
45. I kind of hope I don’t live long enough to find out
46. Oh dang, little Jedidiah getting kidnapped
47. Those witch boobies got me confused about my sexuality
48. Why is she into little boys tho
49. Annnnnnnd it’s frozen
50. Lawlz it stopped right on the goat
51. I remember why I haven’t bought anything from iTunes since 2009 now
52. Maybe if I fucks with the seek bar a little bit
53. Nope, still a goat
54. Oh god it’s giving me error numbers
55. I can’t handle this right now
56. I lost my eyes in Nam
57. Well, I lost my eyes to Deep Eddy
58. I tried.
59. I take nap right here
For those who want to read Robin’s thoughts on the Witch, just click this fancy hyperlink.