Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: The Horns of the Cuckold

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Dear Varg,

Look Varg this is gonna be really gross but I’ve gotta ask someone, because I’m super fucked up about this.  My boyfriend left his browser windows open a while ago (always a disaster right?), and I wanted to order pizza so I opened his laptop and found..  well, I found all this porn about cucking and cuckoldry, and I didn’t really seem to understand what was up.

When he came home from the pet store where he works we had a discussion about it and basically he fessed up that one of his biggest fantasies is him wearing little panties, watching another strong man bang me, and then when the dude is done doing the deed, my boyfriend in his little panties will eat the other mans load out of my crotch.

What the fuck.  I don’t even know how to respond and I can’t really look at my boyfriend in the face anymore.  I don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Confused about Cucking in Connecticut

 

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Dear Confused,

As Ron Burgundy in the film Anchorman would say – “Great Odin’s Ravens!”  I must at this moment congratulate you on writing in to me with one of the most harrowing and explicit letters that I have received.  First, allow me to say that if you are not already packing your things, I recommend this most highly for you to start.

I would pack a duffel bag and bring any pets you have with you because I would not trust any around your “husband”.  I refuse here to use the term, “good” husband, because no man who is a man wishes to become a beta.  This is simply against the law of nature, Darwinism and science.  I refuse to accept this.  Is this what life has come to in this sick depravity in which we live that fetishes of all kinds and varieties have come back to engaging in early medieval practices of cuckoldry?  Is this some type of dirty Elizabethan play?  While I certainly will not disavow anyone of their fetishes and sexual hangups, there are more sinister and insidious doings here at work with your particular situation.

As some background to your husband’s desires, did you know that cucking or cuckoldry comes from the early Medieval practice in Italy in which men whose wives had been unfaithful were said to wear, “the horns of the cuckold”, an allegorical meaning to the fact that stags, proud noble deer, will forfeit their mates when they are defeated in battle by another stronger male.  Since this demonstrates Darwinism at work – in that the strongest male will be the one whose seed is allowed to continue the lineage, I can most assuredly tell you that the defeated deer is not using his deer hooves to manually masturbate himself from the bushes while watching his deer wife engage in coitus with the alpha.  This is not done in nature and I certainly cannot recommend it in the bedroom.

I am told more and more than dating applications like the Tinder exist for your smartphone and that it can be fairly easy to find a good mate.  The internet has brought us closer than ever, and it is with a most dire seriousness, that I recommend you ditch this loser, and find yourself a real man who is more concerned with pleasing his wife than tasting the peter tracks of another male.

Good luck.

Love,

Varn Vikernes

Be sure to E-mail Varg with all of your deepest and darkest love confessions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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