Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: The Warrior’s Quest

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Dear Varg,

I’m writing this week seeking some much needed advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and we have a 4 year old son. For a while I have been dissatisfied in my relationship with him, but I find myself staying in hopes that things will change. He doesn’t work (due to health reasons), and he also doesn’t help around the house either. I cook, clean, and tend to our son all day long while he sits on his ass and plays his computer game, with a headset on, talking to his online game buddies. Although he does help with the dishes sometimes and does a grocery run one day out of the month. I don’t feel that’s enough. I don’t know if it’s wrong for me to think this way or if I should be happy with the minor efforts made on his part. We also haven’t had much of a sex life because I feel so annoyed and frustrated with his laziness and poor hygiene that my desires of being close to him have dwindled. I’m annoyed because I want things to work, and I want it to be good like it was at one point.
It also doesn’t help that my mother hates him and harps in my ear about it all the time.
Am I being selfish? Is it wrong for me to feel the way I feel? I’m feeling lost, what should I do?

Sincerely, Feeling a love lost.

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Dear Feeling a love lost,

Good woman, I thank you most highly for writing to me with your troubles.  Here, I commend you for being a young woman who has undertaken having a child.  Many young ladies neglect to have children based solely on pointless careerism that follows nicely with the Judeo-Christian agenda.  I see too many young women, and men following blindly into jobs for the corporate interest, and put the desire for money or fame over the desire for family.  Your good husband, who you mention to be ill, or “down with the sickness” as the youth have called it, sounds as if his minimal efforts to put family before his video game playing is complicating your marriage.  Here, however, I must state that if your good husband is undertaking the journey called “Dark Souls”, then I sympathize most readily as Dark Souls is not simply a computer game to be taken lightly, it is the path of becoming a warrior.

In this odd culture that we find ourselves living in, I have noticed that more young people are undertaking the path to becoming warriors in somewhat unconventional ways.  In my youth, living in bourgeoise Europe, my escape from the mundanity of living was through role playing games like Middle Earth Role Playing or Dungeons and Dragons.  For many of the youth today are unable to become traditional warriors in the sense of our esteemed Viking ancestors.  We are not so able to engage in sword play, hunting, and the thrill of screaming and running bare chested into battle with only the Valkyries knowing if you will be next to enter the great hall of Valhalla.  In this sense, your husband’s computer game playing is an escape into a realm in which he is a viking, a warrior.  I sympathize that it must be frustrating for him to be unable to work due to illness.

While I understand where you come from in desiring someone to assist you with household tasks, understand that men are quite simple creatures by nature, and I have some ideas to help you regain some intimacy in your relationship.When your good husband returns from a 16 hour online gaming session, treat him as a good wife would treat her husband returning from the trenches of war.  Cook for him a heap of meat, wild game preferably, and engage in a night of love making as you may not know if your husband will return once more from the battle.  Suck, fuck and fondle each other as if the precarious nature of life and death hangs in the balance (and in this case, the balance of your relationship), and I think that soon you will see things change rather quickly.  A happy man is a generous man, and a viking warrior who returns to his good wife, will be more than happy to help around the house.

As for your mother, unless she is bailing either of you out of prison, or using her own money to publish your books of poetry, I would recommended ignoring her.  Many parents that belong to the generation of ‘baby boomers’ are quite simple minded.

Let me know how this goes for you and I wish you and your husband the best of luck in crossing his ‘sword’ to your ‘breastplate’.

 

Love,

Vark Vikernes

P.S.  I wish to inquire also, has your husband beaten the Pontiff Sulyvahn in Dark Souls III?  If he has, I would like to request some pointers myself, as I seem to be stuck here…  you know, from one warrior to another.

 

Do you have a burning question about the burning in your pants?  Have you recently gotten caught up in looking for love in all the wrong places?  Be sure to E-mail Varg and you may see your e-mail featured in future issues of Sexual Sundays.

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