Trash/Thrash Tuesday: The Story So Far – “Heavy Gloom”

Look. You guys. I was gonna use a super rad Cure song this week and tell you all to get happy by scatting along to Lovecats. But, apparently we are unable to have nice things because I saw this “trending” news story this morning about some band called The Story So Far dropkicking a female fan off stage for taking a selfie during their set. And since the internet is full of lovely individuals who definitely shouldn’t be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight, of course everyone is generally celebrating the actions of this asshat.

Look. Let me drop some science on you. Everyone likes to say they hate selfies, and they hate this, and they hate that, they hate twitter but somehow can’t seem to stop using it, they hate facebook, the hate the new instagram.. everyone likes to rant about whatever. You know what. I don’t hate selfies. And let me tell you, it’s not because I’m a compulsive selfie person. I think selfies are just fine. I know it’s trendy to be rocking down the road and see some dumbass girl in shortie shorts and an Iron Maiden tank taking a selfie and roll your eyes.. I know it. But the thing is.. I don’t hate that. When I see a young lady or even a young dude taking a selfie or admiring their appearance, it gives me pause that these people might be simply taking some pride in themselves and yeah, nothing wrong with that. Just because I don’t personally take selfies.. I am after all 30 and essentially an old school marm at this point, doesn’t mean that I or you or anyone else for that matter needs to get crotchety about others doing it.

you damn kids and your selfies and insulin

As for this girl – yeah, I probably would have been like.. really, an onstage selfie.. but that said, I’m a professional show photographer. As I photographed Abbath last week, a photographer beside me stood up tall and took a selfie of himself with Abbath playing in the background. Perhaps Abbath should have ripped the camera from his hands and beat him with it? Amazingly, this did not happen. I think a better way to handle it would have been to let her take the fucking picture, and then made a bit of a verbal jab at her expense, something like, “holy shit.. photos after the show.. or hey.. look at ansel adams up here..” I dunno. You can handle situations with a bit of grace, tact, and humor without immediately resorting to violence that could have left this young lady seriously injured.

Coming from my strictly medical perspective – kicking someone in the back is a pretty easy way to fracture someone’s spinal column or skull depending on how she fell, and yeah.. That’s pretty fucked.

Please explain that one in the media.. “oh yes officers, this woman was taking a somewhat annoying photo so I had to rearrange her brain, and now she’s dead of a subdural hematoma.. HASHTAG WORTH IT”.

Like. Stop it. You’re a bully and that’s super fucking lame.

Further. What the fuck is The Story So Far? When I read this story, I was like, okay, I’ve never heard of this band (HELP ME IM OLD.. where’s my industrial records.. I’m not well) and I was like okay, maybe this is some death metal or something really intense you know and this behaviour should be expected at their shows or some shit right? Nope. The Story So Far is sissy gay ass pop punk. POP FUCKING PUNK. Not even some of that hardcore crowd killing music or whatever those idiots do that involves just punching people in the head or whatever. POP PUNK.

Let that sink into your brain skull for a while. Pop punk.

Like. Sum 41.

So anyways… After some googling of this band, I made the poorly thought out decision to actually listen to some of this shit garbage and holy fucking shit balls.

Little rat mustached 14 year olds being #edgy smoking weed.. astonishing.

First of all, if you listen to this shit, please go outside and kick your own ass, signed the rest of us. Second.. the dude in this band looks to be all of what.. 67lbs? I could fucking break this little dickweed over my knee without breaking a sweat. Like. Jesus Christ, where are all my big 6 foot 6 300+ pound skinheads at? I have some work for you.

BTW, every show I’ve been to where ladies are rocking in the pit or stage diving or whatever.. and the dudes get rough with them and act like fuck wankers.. there’s always been some big ass skinhead to lay the stomp down and keep the riff raff in line. Generally, you need a big man like Scotty Floronic to start throwing elbows. One time actually, at a show, a guy was pushing me and a pregnant girl we knew and Scotty F. ran right up the guy’s back. That’s how it’s done. And this was at a basement show. No one commented how punk it was for a dude to push a pregnant woman.. he got his ass beat and deserved it. Kids these days..

YOU DAMN KIDS.

Further, the little celebratory dance this dude does after kicking this woman is even worse. Sweet, yeah dude, you sure showed her, that woman who had her back to you… yep. Sure did.

Man. When I was 14 I was addicted to crowd surfing and stage diving, and every stage I could get onto I would be jumping off of.. I can’t even really begin to imagine how my attitude towards music would have changed if when I got onstage with Guttermouth, the US Bombs, Alice Cooper, DOA or any of the other myriad shows I’ve been to and ended up being assaulted… Like. I can’t really even fathom what that girl must be feeling right now, since we know the internet is a great place for weird random MRA activity. If you want to feel like punching yourself in the dick today, just go read the comments on this video:

The dude who posted it is defending The Story So Far, as being “punk”. Yeah. No dude. Just no. On behalf of the rest of us, please no.

Anywho.. I found this The Story So Far track called “heavy gloom” and it’s recorded on a VHS camera so I will just be over here in the corner gouging out my fucking eyes. Also. Seriously look at these little rat mustached fucks.. They look like the idiot brothers that had to be dragged along to shows back in the day that everyone just humored. Apparently they didn’t get the joke.

Check out the lyrics to this piece of shit btw:

I know all your flaws and most of your fears
I haven’t been home a lot in the last 2 years
The constant absence from all my peers
The vibration still steady inside my ears
And I know you hate it, I always restate it
But I’m still so frustrated cause I’m the one you cheated

It cuts so much deeper
Why would I wanna see her?
Only had one beer
And I don’t wanna sleep here

I hope you feel that heavy gloom
When you’re all done up in a crowded room
And your life trips up over those shoes
That you paid too much for but not in dues
And I’ll be watching from a distance
Wouldn’t wanna miss this
Was it fake the whole time? Was it just instance?
Man it’s so personal yet it’s business
I want it to hit so close to home

It cuts so much deeper
Why would I wanna see her?
Only had one beer
And I don’t wanna sleep here
And I know you don’t care
You’ve made it so clear
Swore I had no fear
Not until you came near

And how much does it cost
to get you back here inside those clubs
that you love so fucking much?
Was I too harsh in my lament to you
that I fell so out of touch?
Back and forth because I can’t understand how you
Control all my lust and form the words on my tongue

It cuts so much deeper
Why would I wanna see her?
Only had one beer
And I don’t wanna sleep here
And I know you don’t care
You’ve made it so clear
Swore I had no fear
Not until you came near

It cuts so much deeper
Why would I wanna see her?
Only had one beer
And I don’t wanna sleep here
And I know you don’t care

Anyways, since I don’t want to leave you with the desire to blast your brains out on malt liquor… it is only Tuesday after all, I offer you some Guttermouth, a band that still goes down in history for me as putting one of the funnest shows to ever tear apart the local legion, and at least this song seems to celebrate ladies doing their thing at shows. Plus, since god is giving and also cruel, I couldn’t just leave you all with that horrible STory So Far taste in your mouths. I wouldn’t roll you over and do you dry like that.

(chorus) My girl friend she makes me really sick
she makes me really sick
when she’s dancing in the pit yea
my girl friend she makes me really
makes me really sick
when she’s dancing in the pit
with a tall boy in her hand
she’ll be rocking to the band
that girl can take the heat
and she’ll never claim defeat
till yer lying on the floor
waiting for the encore
from the offspring
Pennywise take the stage
girly flies into a rage
like a baby throws a fit
she’ll be right back in the pit
take an elbow to the nose
pickin fights and throwin blows
she really makes me
(chorus)
El hefe does his thing
and it makes her heart sing
I ask her to quit
But she’s right back in the pit
Taking names and kickin ass
While listening to crass
God please help me
Bad religion in her brand
Brett is back in the band
When I ask her on a date
We get in a stalemate
She would rather take a dive
Off a stage a mile high
Than see a movie
(chorus)