Oh hello. Do you ever have those moments, you know, you’re getting your life together, walking like 8km a day, eating kale, avoiding alcohol even though bottles of white wine seem to seductively whisper your name? Have you been being good about not biting people’s heads off when they say asinine things? Yeah. Me too.
Honestly though, I think when you’re crazy and weird like I am, you can only wear the mask of a normal person for so long before you have to try on crazy again and see how it fits and go off road for a night or two. Last night, I got super high, ordered a pizza and made Scotty Floronic download, “They’re Watching”, because somewhere out there on that wild frontier of the internet, someone said it was a pretty good flick.
Here to tell you folks, if anyone told you that, they are fucking liars.
I mean, I spent the whole movie wondering if an internet troll or something like Microsoft’s teen girl AI bot, got loosed onto the world of film and just threw some shit together and went… okay I’m done, sweet. Put this on DVD.
So this film follows a kind of reality show/found footage format, and follows this red headed broad who moves from the “Craft scene” in Lose Angeles to butt fuck nowhere in Moldova, some Eastern European country where everyone is super religious and superstitious. Anywho this LA hipster decides to buy a falling down creepy ass old house in which she can make her shitty pottery to sell on etsy.
Anywho, a film crew for some reason goes back to check on this broad or something and it’s led by the extremely babely Kris Lemche.. who if you are into shitty horror films will recognize him as the incredibly foxy dude from Ginger Snaps who runs over the werewolf at the start of the film.
Anyways. This guy is pretty much the only saving grace in this movie, and even then, it’s like a one night stand where you wake up next to someone who isn’t entirely horrifying looking.. but you still have a lot of questions, like.. did we do butt stuff after we ate burritos? Theres a lot going on.
OH, and if you ever watched Final Destination 3, which, if not, all I have to say is how dare you, then you will also recognize this dude as the gothy survivor from the rollercoaster accident who later gets crushed by a cherry picker.
Hahahahahaha, now I have to watch Final Destination 3 again.. probably should get blackout drunk and watch the whole series.
Which… I mean, this is just going to lead up to a series of even more incoherent rants that I will probably post here for all you mother fuckers to read. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
Anyways this camera crew rolls up in Moldova and since everyone there is from Eastern Europe they are not super friendly, and since none of these tourists speak the language, the locals aren’t too psyched about them poking around and watching their weird church rituals or whatever the fuck theyre doing.
Anywho, while theyre getting tanked one night at the local watering hole, after being thrown out of the local church, they learn that locals think the lady they came to Moldova to cover, the redhead or whatever, yeah all the locals think she’s a witch because she lives out of town, has red hair, a black cat and doesn’t go to church. Seems legit, right?
Since this film makes no sense, they kinda try to like protect her or something? I dunno. They end up at her house and then their car breaks down and weird things start happening, like their producer gets crucified in the barn and frogs come out of his mouth?
The redheaded witch lady totally voms after seeing a frog hop out of this guy’s mouth.. Like.. seeing a crucified man in the barn is A-okay but fucking frogs is the vom line. Like. What are your priorities lady?
I dunno. Anyways, the locals seem to be getting all riled up and form some kind of torch and pitchfork mob, and start dong weird shit around this lady’s house for some reason? I have no fucking clue dude, seriously this movie just kinda went off the rails and seems super phoned in, but since the star was once a HOT PUNK TEEN in Final Destination, you can’t really expect much more.
Anyways. As the gang gets all ascared, their bitchy white lady friend goes missing and the redhead is all LETS GO FIND HER, and they go outside (?) and find her stapled to the side of a barn, which is kinda rad?
Anyways, then they run to the basement and the redhead shows them a creepy mural she had some dude paint, and it shows how she’s a witch and she wants to kill the townsfolk, and drink some blood soup in order to gain witch powers and then use these witch powers to get the documentary crew to record her image and spread it around? Maybe like the girl from the Ring? I have no idea, but the mural is pretty disturbing, like.. the dude who painted it was probably like, look lady, what the fuck.. and she was all, keep painting, I’ll show you my boobs and he was like, sure, okay.
Anyways, the redheaded witch lady goes off and chases the movie crew outside where they are shot/killed/etc, and then she uses her magick CGI powers to conjure some magick to face off with the townsfolk who have straight up formed a mob and are coming to kill her. They all have the shit killed out of them, and the lone survivor is my main man, Kris Lemche, who, I must say looks like a member from Echo and the Bunnymen with his dope ass hipster hair cut. Like in between Final Destination 3 and this film, he just became new wave and started filling in for weird bands like Interpol and stuff and no one noticed.
Anyways, the witch lady comes for him and is all, I want you to be my director and he’s all, yeah, okay that seems reasonable and then she disappears into a fine mist.
Makes sense, right?
Seriously though, I dunno what the fuck went on in this film, and I spent a good portion of it trying to figure out if it was supposed to be funny? The answer is yes, it was. That’s one of the failings of horror comedy, really. Theres a pretty fine line between funny and lame, and sorry to say, this film just ended up being lame and poorly conceived.
I dunno. Kris Lemche is pretty fucking babely and I wouldn’t throw him out of bed if he rolled up to my house at 2am covered in blood ranting about CGI witchcraft. I like my men like I like my bones: broken and crushed.