My name is **REDACTED – Editor’s note – please don’t use your name when writing into Sexual Sunday**, and I really love this advice column, it’s the highlight of my week. I’m hoping that this will be included for Easter sunday since I think it’s funny that your column falls on the holiday when JEsus came back to life. My boyfriend and I are in a new relationship and we are still figuring each other out, and he asked me since we have the weekend off if I would dress up in my playboy bunny costume and we could have an Easter egg hunt but for adults. Do you think that this is a good idea? I think it could be really sexy or just really weird? What would I put in the easter eggs and is it appropriate to hide a plastic one in my vagina do you think?
Easter Bunny in El Paso
Dear “Easter” Bunny,
Thank you for writing in to my column with such vast enthusiasm. It brings me great joy to know that I can be of some service and entertainment each week. While I appreciate the humor that is present in knowing that my column falls on “Easter” Sunday, you must understand here that “Easter”, as the Judeo-Christian right celebrates, is simply a stolen and bastardized pagan holiday. The very earliest Easter origins come from ancient Mesopotamia and Sumeria and is a celebration of the return of the goddess of the spring, Inanna, known to many by her Babylonian name of Ishtar or the Greco-Roman, Astarte. Inanna follows her lover into the underworld and all of her earthly garments are removed, and as she crawls low into the wretched halls of darkness, she is naked and bowed (I am reminded here of the Bible passage from Genesis 3:14 where in “God” rebukes the serpent – “You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.”) As Inanna bears up into the underworld in passage through the final gate, she is brought forward and martyred, crucified and displayed and with her death, so too do the crops die, and winter comes. The God Enki sends two messengers down to the underworld to sprinkle the water of life and vitality over Inanna’s body and she is resurrected and given the power to rejoin the world above for six months in the light of the sun, only to return to the underworld as the light leaves the world in winter. And this is where the divine feminine reigns over the Christ-man, and the divine mother goddess is usurped by Judeo-Christianity as the Christianisation of the world began. The sacred holiday, the moveable feast celebrating the dawning of the spring with the first Sunday after the vernal Equinox is destroyed and turned into passion plays, divine liturgies, and now to chocolate eggs and perverse Easter egg hunts, such as the one you are planning.
Did you know that the So Church of the Holy Sepulchre, said to be built on the cave in which Jesus Christ attained his Resurrection, was initially an ancient temple to Ishtar/Astarte? There are reasons why the Christian religion has made these strategic moves – erasure of the pagan faith and it’s adherents.
With all of this mind, it is generally rare for me to recommend abstaining from love making, but in this moment I advise you to put away silly costumes, and plastic eggs and run with your partner nude in the fields. Go forth and allow him to plunge his phallus into you as the phallus of Cernunnos and Pan plunges between the thighs of the goddess of the spring, to bring about new life. Roll sweetly in the clover and have a picnic. Dress in white and weave flower crowns and welcome in the season anew. Spend time with your loved ones, and feast and drink until your belly is full. Now is the perfect time to start a family, with the awakenings of the Earth.
Be sure to email Varg with all your burning love queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.