Antichrist

Okay look.  Let’s just sit down and take a breather, loosen the top button of your jeans, take off your smelly work socks, grab a coffee or whatever it is you need to do…  Look.  We have to have a talk and no it’s not about your furious masturbation, and no it’s definitely not about how you one time jerked off into your mom’s jello mold..  It’s about the Devil.

Can we all just get over it and understand that we all love the Devil.  We do.  It’s just fact.  He’s our buddy.  We get it.  I was recently inspired on this note to rewatch Antichrist, if only because I saw a meme of that goddamn talking fox from the movie and someone had put it alongside that stupid WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY thing and I fell into a youtube hole and then started to wonder if perhaps many years ago when I watched the goddamn movie, I had missed something somewhere along the line.

Yeah, so if you need to know where that went in my little pea brain, you can definitely look no further than the goddamn what does the fox say video and understand how THAT got stuck in my head for a few days so that wasn’t horrifying for those around me at all.

Anyways, join me now, for the review inspired by a meme.  God I love the internet.

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Hear me out here before you guys get all bent out of shape and get your titties in a twist.  Scotty F and myself used to do a lot of acid and when we were on the come down, we would watch a ton of weird movies..  you know, like Serbian Film, Martyrs, Salo, Ichi the Killer, Nekromantik..  real family fun films.  Back in the day we decided to watch Antichrist after doing a shitload of acid and let me tell you kids, that movie was boring as fuck but I guess it had some neat try hard #edgy, shit in it so I tried to avoid a lot of complaining.

The film is directed by Lars von Trier, and is the first in his unofficial “depression trilogy”.  Sounds really heartwarming, right?

The film is divided into little vignettes all artsy fartsy style, and serves no purpose really beyond being pretentious AF, but go with me on it anyways.

The first vignette opens in black and white with gross ass Willem Dafoe (and his gross ass) railing this oppressively ugly woman, and while they’re getting busy, their little toddler climbs up and out the bedroom window and falls to his death.

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BYYYYYEEEEE

After this, the wife, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg, who is..  I’m sorry, she’s a real handsome broad, who also at 12 one time collaborated with her father on a song called, “Lemon Incest”, so if that gives you any prediliction as to her involvement with artsy crap, here it is in black and white..  Literally.

Anywho, she is of course crippled by grief and spends the next six months tripping balls in a hospital, and her hubby, who is leather handbag by day Willem Dafoe by night rolls up and is all, no your psychiatric care physician knows fuck all..  I’m gonna take you home and be your therapist and since she’s essentially catatonic, she doesn’t argue.

Somehow.  In all of this, instead of using therapy to help his wife cope with this loss of their child, she pipes up that she is afraid of nature so Willem Dafoe decides that they should take a trip to the cabin and do some exposure therapy.  Yeah.

I mean it’s cool that Willem Dafoe just wanted to fuck off the woods to get hammered and play lawn darts, we all want those things, but yeah this plot point makes no fucking sense, but yeah, go with me on it.  Turns out this broad spent some time at the cabin writing her thesis on gynocide, which is essentially the awful things that have been done to women over the centuries like witch burnings etc.

On their way to the cabin, Willem Dafoe meets a deer who has a CGI stillborn fawn hanging out of its vajenda, so thats surely a good omen.

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#edgy

Oh, also, I’m not just drunk and on drugs when I refer to the actors as he and she or by their real names.  They have no names in the film.  More artsy crap, right?

Anyways.  While at the cabin, as most people do, the wife begins demanding weirder and weirder BDSM related sex acts, and Willem Dafoe wakes up one morning with a hand covered in huge ass ticks..  so now he has Lyme disease which is cool I guess.

thetick

Also this vignette is characterized by Dafoe coming across a fox who is eating itself, and the fox tells him, “CHAOS REIGNS”, which sounds kinda like a fucking Ancient VVisdom song.

I love that I don’t have to make this shit up.  I love the internet.  I love life.

I also, love lamp, since we are digging up shit from the early aughts.

Anywho, just straight up saying right here, if you’re out in the woods and animals start to talk to you to tell you 3edgy5me #spoopy shit, perhaps you need to adjust the dosage of psychedelic drugs you are taking, or you know, just crush the shit out of the animal underneath your boot and become a mountain man.

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I read online that one of the hardest parts of this film to make was the talking fox, since foxes don’t talk and it was hard to make the fox look like it was actually talking?  So they of course used a combo of CGI and practical effects.  It still looks like shit, but hey.

Anyways, this ends the second vignette.

The third vignette is kind of weird, and as Willem Dafoe’s horse faced Harriet is busy tripping out and ranting about the wickedness of all women, and the devil and what not, Willem Dafoe finds the thesis she had been working on and it’s some pretty cut and paste shit and her writing is just insane scribbles.  Could you imagine going to hand that shit in to your professor or whatever?

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um this doesn’t appear to be properly referenced and cited in APA

And I mean, it all becomes pretty clear that while up in the woods working on her homework, she was really just going batshit crazy.  Also at this time, Willem Dafoe reads his dead baby’s autopsy report and finds that nothing is a big deal but noted is a passage about deformity to the tarsal bones of the foot of the child and in examining old photographs of Nick the dead baby, he finds that his wife had been psychotically putting the shoes on the wrong feet on purpose and had caused pain and deformity to the child.  So yeah, she’s obviously a great mother and also of sound mind.

Since she is of such sound and rational mind, she decides to beat the shit out of Willem Dafoe (who wouldn’t), smash him in the dick with a cinder block and then jerk off his cock so blood shoots out (Jorg Buttegereit is all HEY THATS MY BIT), and then drill a fucking hole through his leg and bolt a fucking grindstone to it and then toss the wrench under the shack and yeah, thats how that goes.

Willem Dafoe manages to drag himself into a hole and finds a crow inside thats been buried alive which promptly gives away where he is and then his wife buries him, I guess?

I dunno.

This movie went super off the rails really quickly, and shortly after this she goes off somewhere to pass the fuck out because all that stabbing and testicle smashing is hard work.  Thats why feminists eat so much, if you think about it.  The caloric requirement for smashing the patriarchy is super high.

Make_Me_Sandwich.jpg

Chaos and cupcakes do in fact reign

Also.  a comment on the above image..  Sammiches taste better when you have not made them. Science says so, so you can put that in your particular pipe and smoke it.  Well, maybe smoke something and then eat the sammich if you know what I mean?  I dunno.  Anyways..  Back to the dick stuff.

Feeling a little sad that she buried her husband alive, Lady Gaga goes and unburies him and then tells him that he will not yet die, since the three beggars need to come and then someone will die.  Good to know I guess?  I have no idea.  The three beggars are also some made up constellations of a fox, a deer and a crow.  Anywho, shortly after this, the 4H horse faced woman who won best in show, has a flashback where she sees that she in fact saw her kid about to climb out the window and since Dafoe’s DIQ was so good, she did nothing..  and feeling pretty shitty about trading the B for some D, she ends up cutting off her C.  Clitoris that is.  Yep.  you heard it right from the old black goat’s mouth, that this broad straight up cuts her goddamn clitty off and you totally see everything, and yeah she totally passes out afterwards.. as you would.  My pussy is sad now.

I also definitely tried to find a photo of this, but couldn’t.  Sad for you, I suppose you have to go watch the film now?

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squad goals

Anyways, Willem Dafoe manages to unbolt his big ass grindstone somehow and then a fox, deer and crow roll up and his wife wakes up to stab the shit out of him and then he legitimately chokes her to death and then burns her body and he decides to peace the fuck out of that awful cabin, which I mean, he should have done before, but didn’t.

As he’s leaving a bunch of broads wearing weird clothes roll up and their faces are blurred.  The end.

Makes tons of sense right?

As to what that movie means, who the fuck knows.  It does have some cool shit and interesting themes inside it, but for the majority, it’s all buried beneath layers of artsy #edgy shit and it’s hard to surface from.  That said, the talking fox and clitoris scene are pretty memorable, so it has that going for it.

I would have really liked to have seen what von Trier could have done without trying to frame the film as some French arthouse piece.

So, while I definitely didn’t hate this film, it’s not like I will add it to the roster of shit I can roll out around the holidays and sit down on the old davenport and gather the younguns around to watch this CLASSIC.

Anyways.  The devil is rad.  The end.

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