Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Something’s Fishy

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Dear Varg

Hey man, this column is great, I read it all the time and there’s some great stuff on here.  I’m definitely loitering at a Starbucks to use their WiFi, so I will try to keep this brief.  Okay so I’ve been with this girl for a few months and she is definitely a babe, and she is also an oogle, I guess.  She has really cool face tatts and long dreadlocks and wears a lot of studs and spikes on her clothing, she’s the bomb.  We make awesome banjo music together and there isn’t a train I wouldn’t hop with her by my side.  She’s totally a feminist I guess because she has jailhouse “fuck the patriarchy” tattooed on her neck and the Women’s Lib symbol on her hand, but she sure doesn’t mind calling me ‘daddy’ when I’m drilling her from behind.  Thing is, recently she’s been wanting to experiment a bit with other women, which I’m totally cool with..  she has this one friend who is so fucking hot and it’s every man’s fantasy to have two hot babes to fuck all night after drinking 40ozs in the park, right?  Anyways she’s been wanting me to eat her pussy so she can see how hooking up with a babe would go and I’ve been totally game for it, but the thing is she has a bit of a washing problem.  The communal punk house we live in doesn’t have a bathtub and the shower has so little water pressure that it would be easier to just have someone piss on you instead.  So, sometimes, when I get down there, she will smell like a craft brewery, you know?  There’s nothing hotter to me than some feminine musk, and we are all animals afterall, but when the neighborhood dogs and cats are following you home and you can smell the pussy juice percolating while we are drinking $2 beers at the pub, it’s a bit much.  I don’t know what to say to her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and I don’t want to ruin her dreams (or mine) of hooking up with other babes.  What should I do man?

Stinky in Seattle

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Dear Stinky,

I wish to thank you quite readily for educating me, because up until this very point in time, I was not aware of what an “oogle” was.  After some preliminary ‘oogle’ Googleing, I believe I have an accurate picture of the type of woman you are dating.  I see nothing wrong with this type of culture, there seems to be an affinity for pseudo military garb, and living off the grid, which I find to be respectable in this day and age.  As for the excessive consumption of poorly produced malt liquor, starving your canine companions and bandanas that look as if they are made only of grease, this is not so much my cup of tea, however, each to their own.  During my research, I learned that Seattle has a local fish market, and I am curious if perhaps you are a fishmonger, because you may be able to take that ‘tuna’ to the market in order to fetch a good price.  🙂  I speak in jest, of course.  In seriousness, lack of personal hygiene is one aspect of your current culture that I do not grasp readily.  You may not be aware, but the myths surrounding the supposed “heathenism” of the Viking peoples was a fallacy perpetuated by the Judeo-Christian religion.  Prior to the Christianisation of Europe, the pagan peoples were steadfastly tidy and washed regularly.  Saturdays were called ‘lørdag’ in Scandinavian culture and were reserved for bathing, cleaning and other rites of cleanliness.  As the Christianisation of Europe continued, the Christians who are all so uptight as to who might see or not see their bare bottoms relegated washing to an all but forgotten practice reserved for yearly or bi-yearly events.  If you examine your culture in this light, you will see that while you believe yourselves to be sticking it to the man by not washing, you are in fact, acting like a filthy Christian, and this in short, is reprehensible.  Since Saturdays are generally believed to be the special wash days, this coincides nicely with your American weekend, and perhaps you could involve your good wife in a bit of washing up before engaging in some variety of sex romp.  Tell her that you wish to live as truly as a Viking and she will happily scrub her eye of Odhinn and perhaps even your mead horn.  Perhaps you could include her attractive friend in the washing as well.  You do not wish for your good wife to dive ‘headlong’ into the delicious pudenda of another good woman only to have her come up sputtering.  This would be a distinctly poor experience for not only her, but also you, as she may not wish to engage in further acts of sodomy.  Please make sure to let me know how this goes for you, and feel free to take photographs.  I have noticed that many of these oogle women, as you call them, have great affinity for runic tattoos that are poorly wrought to be sure, but a rune is still a rune, and I do love both the female form and runes.

Wishing you the best,

Varg Vikernes
Be sure to email Varg with all your burning love queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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