Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: VVitchy Woman

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Dear Varg

Dude, I’m a huge fan of your work and own all your albums.  I hope this question isn’t too weird or anything, but it’s about my girl..  She’s pretty hot, and she’s into hiking and the outdoors and she isn’t an annoying feminist.  A while ago we went and saw that movie The Witch that just came out..  or I guess The VVitch..  why the fuck do they use two Vs and not a W?  Anyways, we saw that shit and it was pretty good I guess, like there was a talking goat which is pretty rad and lots of naked tits which was also cool, but now my girl is wearing a big ass black pilgrim hat and she’s been reading all these books about witchcraft and tarot cards and fucking tea leaves and shit, and now she wants us to buy some black velvet robes and burn some black candles and do “sex magick”..  what the fuck does that shit mean?  I’m all for some kinky shit, and doing whatever I need to do to my girl to make sure she has a good time..  Like, just between you and me, I lick that lady’s asshole like its a goddamn lollipop, cuz I know that if you don’t, someone else will.  So what the hell should I do here, because I have no idea what “sex magick” is and I love Satan and stuff, but I dunno if I’m ready for this “devil’s threeway” if you know what I mean.

Bewitched in Baltimore

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Dear Bewitched,

Thank you for your inquiry.  May I congratulate you here on finding and appreciating a true good woman via both the outdoors and anilingus.  You are entirely correct that if you do not correctly service your woman, then she will likely end up sending me frustrated letters and also possibly nude photographs.  While I am a true connoisseur of both breast and booty, it is never my intention to come between a good man and his good wife.  Here, may I also congratulate you on finding yourself what is termed these days to be a “freak”.  While I do not believe in the “devil” as it is a Judeo-Christian demonization of the great pagan fertility god Pan or Cernunnos, I do firmly believe that witchcraft is an integral aspect of a woman’s true nature.  Sex magick is one of the oldest forms of magick, and is also the best Red Hot Chilli Peppers album.  Though I believe that your misgivings about summoning forth a demon or something similar are far fetched and fantastical, I do believe that you should set forward some parameters with your good wife and engage in dialogue about what magick you are trying to create.  Perhaps this is your good wife’s way of telling you that she is ready to bear your children.  Perhaps her alabaster flesh longs for the exquisite caress of a velveteen robe.  Perhaps, she is just horny.  While the molten wax from burning black candles does sting when it makes contact with the skin, I fear that if you do not indulge your lady’s whims, that you may feel an even worse sting – that of being left by your lonesome with only the taste of your lady’s plump rump on your lips.

Best wishes on conjuring and cunnilingus,

Varg Vikernes

Be sure to email Varg with all your burning love queries and you may see them featured in a future issue of Sexual Sunday.

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