Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Clothing Conundrum

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Hey Varg,
So like my man is in the army (super hot right?!) and we have sex all the time when he’s home. Like alllllll the time. It’s great. But lately he wants to keep his uniform on when we do it. So I thought whatever he’s just super duper proud of being in the army. And I mean he’s got a lot of medals so I don’t blame him. But like when we’re doin it all those medals keep slapping me in the face so every time he puts it in I’m like OW. You know? So now I think he like thinks it’s because his dick is really big, but it’s totally because of the medals. So umm… yeah. I need your advice.

Vexed by Vestments in Valgograd

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Dear Vexed,

Good woman, may I congratulate you on landing yourself a fine young man who has undertaken a strong role within the community.  As someone who appreciates the form fitting yet comfortable nature of military vestments, I see nothing wrong with a man who appreciates the natural fibers and practical uses of such clothing.  As for your issues with the size of the artillery that your man is packing into this “Battle of The Bulge”, may I remind you that theoretically all of these medals your boyfriend has earned should be for courageous acts.  Spiritually, your good husband’s member has been much emboldened by his valiant acts within battle, so despite the fact that the physical form does not match up to the spiritual one, I advise you to keep this in mind.  One day, when the great Valkyries of Odhinn bear your husband onwards to glorious Valhalla, his “assault rifle” will be so grand that one may not be able to gaze fully at it without going blind, mad, or both.  The serving wenches in the halls of Valhalla will ask him if he is sure that he wanted an extra portion of elk sausage, given that it seems he has packed his own to the feast.  While I rarely advocate the use of deception, in this case, it may be best to go along with his thinking and similarly to stroking the male ego, continue to “stroke” his spiritual bayonet.  Since I have much sympathy for beautiful women in distress and hate to look upon a lovely face marred by injury, might I recommend here that you offer to wear his night vision goggles in order to protect your lovely visage?  Since your boyfriend seems to be interested in wearing tactical equipment, perhaps he would not be averse to you doing the same?  If this is not possible, might I suggest that you climb on and ride him like your “War Horse”?

Yours most sincerely,

Vark Vikernes

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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