Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Panty Raid

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Dear Varg,
I’m going to cut to the chase – I think my boyfriend has been stealing my panties. And no, not in the sexual sniffing my used lingerie way. I suspect he has been wearing them himself. It all started a few weeks ago when I was doing laundry and I noticed some really foul skid marks on one of my thongs. Honestly, I thought maybe I was losing it. Maybe I had, in fact, shit my pants and totally forgot about it. But then the next day when I was putting the clothes away, I opened up my boyfriend’s top drawer and stashed at the very back were a number of pairs of my panties. This, I couldn’t ignore. When I confronted him, he just got really flustered and told me “Bitch, you crazy”. Does this seem suspicious to you?  What do I do now?

Missing Undies in Milwaukee

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Dear Missing Undies,

Good woman, I thank you ever so much for writing in this week.  I wish to offer my deepest condolences on your current problem with a panty sniffing and apparently also wearing bandit.  While I can certainly confirm that there is a certain attraction to the soft and delicate nature of women’s underthings and the very sexual hints of what they hide, there is absolutely no excuse for a strong man to be flossing his own behind with the silken flax that rests against your most holy Viking mound.  I have a thought on this subject, however, so bear with me;  did you know that a great part of Viking culture was the burial mound?  This sacred place was wherein great warriors and good women were lain with their earthly goods, their remains committed to these places while their souls fight onwards in Valhalla.  Once a year, during the time of spring awakening when the phallus of Freyr thrusts deep into the womb of mother earth to begin life anew, the living Vikings would enter the burial mounds in order to celebrate rebirth.  This is where the Judeo-Christian religions got their “Easter” mythology. Your boyfriend may also be in a way, reentering the burial mound of your most holy place as a way to tell you – he is ready to become a father.  In this modern age, many young men are seen as weak willed sissies for desiring children and it would not surprise me in the slightest if this was how your good man was communicating this desire to you.  I strongly believe that you should bring this up with him immediately and possibly start trying to conceive, for it is a blessed time.  While it may seem abhorrent to think of, another great aspect of the most glorious Viking culture was that of the raid, and truly your boyfriend could be reenacting this in the penultimate panty raid.  Many best wishes to you during this time!

Varg Vikenes

 

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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