Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: A Hairy Situation

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Dear Varg,
I’ve been with this guy for a few months now and any attempt I’ve made to have sex with him has been completely unsuccessful. Yesterday he told me it’s because my “ample bush” puts him off. This was a real surprise because I’ve slept with dozens of guys and none of them seemed to mind going beaver hunting. I’m a natural kind of gal, and to be honest, nothing seems more unnatural to me than shaving my lady bits. What should I do?

Ample Bush in Atikokan

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Dear Ample Bush

Good woman, I thank you for writing in this week with your troubles, though I am a believer that these troubles are not yours and rather, lie with the boyfriend you say you have.  There is nothing unnatural or unacceptable about a woman who lives within her own body comfortably.  Human beings have evolved from animals, and hair is a most natural attribute to us all, though you will have to forgive me as I seem to be losing some of mine, as you may have noticed.  It is a highly Americanized invention of the sexual film industry that causes the male fascination with shaved genitals, and this is very strictly American.  Americans always want to have the immediate pay off and see everything right from the moment go.  Good strong European men have been defending our lands and values for many thousands of years and no true Viking warrior would shy away from conquering your hills and valleys for a little hair.  A true warrior of Odhinn’s glory would happily part the “black sea” and set about his work in satisfying his good woman.  With all of this being said, I have not actually seen the situation that said good warrior would be working with and I wonder if it would not be so cheeky to ask for some representation via a photograph?  Even if your situation is a touch out of control, I feel that I could offer you some “pointers” regarding lawn maintenance.

Varg Vikernes

 

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

 

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