Look.  I am not so sure how I can write this review and not have it sound like the lovelorn letter to the editor from a Tiger Beat magazine in the 1990s, but, HOLY SHIT THE WITCH IS AMAZING.

In all good faith and good standing as the shitbag that I am, I must confess to you good readers that I am heavily biased when it comes to this film.  No, Robert Eggers didn’t pay me off (I wish!  But seriously he didn’t have to), and no, I wasn’t coerced at gun point to write this review, the devil did not in fact make me do it..  I’m a big fan of witchcraft.  As someone who was raised in a pagan household and also a person with ASD, one of my very special interests is paganism, witchcraft, heathenry and devil worship.  So far, beyond penning this website with my hetero life mate, my main hobby has been collecting and reading obscure works of occult fiction.  It’s just what I do.  I love goats.  I love nude dancing women frolicking in the devil’s delight in the darkness.  I love bunnies.  I love nature.  And let’s be real..  I have a pretty big crush on the devil.

So, really..  The VVitch is highly tailored to ALL OF MY INTERESTS.

Also.  Hello.  Robert Eggers.  I see you there.  I see you debuting your film as a love letter to me.  It’s all good.  I got you boo, don’t worry.  The oldblackgoat has you now..  shhhh..  Daddy’s got you.

That’s right kids.  I’m not sure what’s happened to the year 2016 but holy shit, twice in one year the hollywood movie machine has released horror films that haven’t made me want to pull a gun out of my knickers and go all Angel of Death in a grocery store…  and THATS A GOOD THING.  I love that people have actually begun rejecting the jumpscare James Wan factory and are asking for innovation in film.  It shows and it’s highly pleasing.  Also, this movie was filmed in Ontario.  I knew the woods in Canada were spooky AF.

Also, I’m not super sure why I need to put these in, but yeah.  Spoiler alert.

SPOILER ALERT.

SPOILER ALERT.

IF you keep reading and get mad at me because you haven’t seen the movie, then you are dumb.

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The story here is very much based on classic tales of witchcraft and the following religious zealotry and hysteria.  William, a deeply religious and also profoundly foxy hot dad disagrees with his puritan friends about..  beliefs?  What the Bible said?  Who knows.  They disagree about something and William opts to cart his wife, Katherine (who was in Prometheus and also in Game of Thrones as Lady Lysa Arryn, who we all remember as Lady Tits Out…  and this is relevant here so keep reading), daughter Thomasin, son Caleb and twins Mercy and Jonas out to the bush and homestead it up.  Katherine farts out an infant named Samuel and they set up shop in the woods.

Well, if we learned anything from Antichrist, and we didn’t, it’s that nature, is truly Satan’s church.  The unknown dark woods surround the family cabin and Katherine has a deep fear of them.  Thomasin, who is steadily growing bosoms underneath her heavy linen clothing, is causing some weird boners for her brother and her mother sends her to watch over the baby Samuel.  Because after farting out five fucking kids, you too, would need some alone time.  Whether that’s darning socks, making candles, or mending your bonnet, it would probably be really refreshing to sit in peace and fucking quiet for a while.

But like all borderline negligent parents who leave their children in the care of idiot teenagers, Samuel is stolen away during a game of peekaboo, by a local witch crone who is pretty fucking heinous to behold and has saggy old titties and a shameful case of long ass, and she wastes no time hovering over the infant with a knife in her dirty hands.

For real though, I didn’t think that babe witch lady would get up to much with that baby and holy shit boy was I wrong.  She wasted no time in killing the shit out of that kid, grinding his flesh up and smearing it all over herself and her broomstick like ointment and then laid back and proceeded to trip the fuck out.

Like.  I’ve yet to see a movie begin with someone grinding up a baby, but hey, first time for everything and holy shit it was awesome.

Like.  I’m totally asking for a friend but do you think if you ground up a baby you could get fuckin lit on that shit or what?

Anywho, as things would be, Mom kinda loses her shit and eventually the family kinda gives the baby up as lost with them coming to the conclusion that it was a wolf who carried off the infant.

Like any good man trying his best, William takes Caleb out to the woods where Caleb worries about if his brother made it to heaven (well I’m sure his paste made it somewhere..), and his father tries to shoot at a very scary looking hare, which is the local witch fucking around.

Man if I could turn into stuff, I would probably not turn into a rabbit, unless I was invincible, in which case I would totally be a rabbit and then if an eagle tried to carry me off and eat me I’d be all, THE DEVIL IS ON MY SIDE SUCKER, and then kill the shit out of the eagle because that’s how I roll.  I dunno.  There’s a go fuck yourself America joke in there somewhere, but you can figure that out.

Back on the home front, the little twins Mercy and Jonas have christened a big black goat, Black Phillip and they play and talk to him and believe he speaks back to them.  And yeah hey word to the wise, if your kids start talking to black goats, maybe a good idea to have goat tacos that night..

Also.  I read an interview with Robert Eggers where he said that the goat had to be DYED BLACK.  Can you fucking imagine.  SERIOUSLY.  Goats are generally sour natured beasts at the best of times, so I could really only imagine what happened when some people covered it in Goat Hair Club For Men.  I’m sure that would have been entertaining and also horrifying.  Probably mostly horrifying what with a big ass goat covered in hair dye and shampoo charging full tilt at you.  If that baby paste hadn’t worn off you might just lose your shit.

Anyways, what with Thomasin being the BLACK SHEEP (I’m sorry.  truly I am) and feeling BAAAAAAAAAAAD about losing her brother (I’ll stop), she gets treated kinda shitty by her family and one day while she’s showing the goods off to Caleb, her little sister annoys her to the point that Thomasin says that she is a witch and has signed a pact with the Devil.  Perhaps this isn’t the best thing to say as her small sister almost shits herself and takes it pretty literally.

When she finds a dead chicken fetus, the goats start giving blood instead of milk and then Caleb gets lost in the woods only to turn up naked and babbling nonsense (he clearly got into the baby stash), the family is quick to point fingers and accuse each other of witchcraft.

When Caleb dies after weirdly professing his love of Jesus, those fingers are strongly pointed at Thomasin and after much screaming and fuss, she rolls over on the tiny twins and they all three end up locked in the shed with the goats over night.  The parents bury their second son and go to sleep.

As night falls, a witch enters the stable and is seen drinking blood from a white goat and she scares the children.  Katherine awakens from her sleep and sees a vision of her two dead sons and she begins “breastfeeding” the lost baby.  As the camera pans away it’s definitely a crow and she’s definitely letting it peck away at her tit, so that’s pretty fucked up.  I’ve never seen that before in a film, either, so really..  Robert Eggers.  What are you doing later?  Come over.  Bring the goat.

Anywho.  Father Abs and Buns (seriously..  he takes off his shirt and holy shit, you ain’t tellin me that choppin wood builds fucking ripped abs like that) wakes up in the morning and crawls over his bloody breasted wife and finds the barn destroyed, the twins missing and Thomasin passed out in the hay, shortly before Black Phillip gores him to death and that’s the end of that.

Katherine stumbles out and attacks Thomasin and the two grapple on the ground and Thomasin kills her mother in self defense.  That night, Thomasin pleads before Black Phillip to speak to her life he did the twins and holy fuck the goddamn goat talks.  In short order she signs a pact to the devil, strips nude and heads off into the forest for a witch party where she dances around and levitates with other nude witch broads and that’s the end of the VVitch.

So first of all, where the fuck is that party at because I wanna go.  Also Robert Eggers.  Hi.  How are you.  Call me.  All jokes aside, I loved the shit out of this movie.  It wasn’t full of jump scares, it wasn’t a teen tit grabbing James Wan/Patrick Wilson buddy movie.  It didn’t rely on cheap CGI effects.  It just was.  It was stark and ugly and had a lot of layers that made it amazing.  I can’t wait to see it again when the film festival brings it through in a couple of weeks.  I will say though, when we saw the film, a lady legitimately fell asleep and then proceeded to dump her drink all over herself and the floor.  I also got to scream at some teenagers for talking during the film and I thought for sure I would have to kill them in sacrifice to Black Phillip but I didn’t.

Go see this movie or you’re dead to me.