Sinister 2 – Or How To Shoehorn Ulver Into a Film

Alright.  First of all..  If you haven’t read my rambling and entirely long winded diatribe about the original Sinister, why don’t you just go ahead and click this here shiney hyperlink.  I’ll wait.

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Okay.  Well fuck it, let’s just get started.  So, the original Sinister was pretty fucking weak.  The Super 8 multiple family murder footage was dope as fuck and really worked only because I didn’t see that shit coming and it felt so out of place that it was genuinely creepy.  Like many a horror franchise before it, Sinister takes that one idiosyncratic creepy thing and goes “HEY GUYS LET’S KEEP ROLLING WITH IT DESPITE THE FACT THAT ONCE THE SURPRISE IS GONE, THERE AINT MUCH LEFT.”

Enter, Sinister 2:

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Scott Derickson is the dick canoe behind the mind ejaculation that resulted in the first Sinister film being born, but the sequel was directed by a dude named Ciaran Foy.  So for those who didn’t bother reading the original piece I did about Sinister, here’s some facts to plug into your brain socket.  Scott, our good buddy and total false, one night had a nightmare after watching The Ring and he got all hopped up on goofballs and decided to get on the Google machine and google “despair” and “bleakness” and somehow during some very intense internetting came across Norwegian black metal.

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The tr00 face of what is grim and kvlt:  16 year olds with chubby cheeks and peach fuzz mustaches

Terrifying.  Truly.

Anyways, our good pal Scott jammed some weird ambient black metal into the soundtrack of the original Sinister movie in an effort to give his raging boner for all that is black metal, some credit…  and then he..  you know..  made the villain of the Sinister series look like a poor man’s version of Abbath, or Abbath after a really hard night out drinking and talking about how cool the devil was…  or whatever black metal dudes do when they aren’t covered in nails screaming about hate.

Anywho..  Ciaran Foy who took up the..  mantel(?) of the Sinister franchise, though Scott did write this pile of shitwaste, decides to essentially do his predecessor one better by doing slightly more research into black metal and it’s origins..  and I’m assuming he stumbled across the documentary Until the Light Takes Us, because he essentially took that soundtrack and did a copy and paste into the soundtrack of Sinister 2 and called it finished.  Seriously.  Not even using the same artists, but literally using the same songs.

The songs that stand out are “Not Saved” by Ulver, which is used when we watch a very t00 and grim scene of a family being buried alive in the snow, and “Gyroscope” by Boards of Canada.  Also.  Boards of Canada is dumb.  Gyroscope is especially dumb.  Stop it.

Like..  Okay.  Call me fucking old fashioned here, but if you’re thinking of making a film, or a piece of art, or something..  shouldn’t you have a rough idea in mind of what the film is going to be about?  I think if you have google “darkness” that something is seriously flawed in your idea of what the creative process should be.  I dunno, that may just be my opinion.  I really feel that Scott Dickweed took a shitty Xerox of black metal, and then passed the mantel onto Ciaran Foy who again took an even shittier Xerox and what’s left essentially tells the story of Sinister 2 – a shitty idea that’s been smeared around so as to be almost unrecognizable.

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The plot behind the film is weak.  Brothers Dylan and Zach are hiding out in an abandoned farmhouse (the same house from the original Sinister) with their gross mom Courtney.  What are they hiding out from you might ask?  Why, their abusive father of course, who is so abusive and laid on so thick, that he might as well be twirling a crazy mustache because he’s got the whole villain thing laid on so goddamn thick.

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Oh I love it when I am spoon fed all my characters.  Please, do go on.

Anywho, the Deputy from the first film rolls up and he’s all trying to find out the stuff that happened with the Bughuul character from the first film.  He’s taken it upon himself like a young Varg Vikernes, to incinerate all the creepy murder homes, so that Bughuul will GTFO and stop having children murder their whole families on video tape.

Also.  Is it just me, or does this dude look like Ted Bundy?

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Cuz.  Damn.  I couldn’t stop seeing it the whole time I was watching the film.

Anyways..  Poorman’s Ted Bundy (which actually beats his credit as Deputy So & So) rolls up and gets the hot for Courtney and her maxi dresses and cardigan sweaters.

In the meanwhile, Dylan has been being visited nightly by a group of dead kids who force him to watch their gruesome Super 8 films of their respective family deaths.  He does this pretty placidly, not realizing that his brother is also visiting with these horrors and that he is able to see and communicate with the dead kids too.

Their douchebag dad rolls up in his big truck (naturally) and starts calling Momma Maxidress a whore (also naturally) and they are originally saved by the Poorman’s Bundy who intervenes in an effort to get up in those granny panties.

After the kids get sent to bed that night (and by sent to bed, I mean they go downstairs to watch snuff films), Momma Maxidress and Ted Bundy engage in some cigarette smoking and tongue kissing, since they are both 16 years old, and he ends up getting a call from a friend who may have solved the Bughuul mystery.

Ted Bundy peaces out for a bit and goes to investigate a spooky ham radio on which a broadcast from NORWAY (groan) was intercepted and believed to contain information about Bughuul.  At this point, I was really struggling to maintain my fucking composure because, holy shit..  Look.  We get it.  We’ve all jerked off over the True Norwegian Black Metal photobook.  We all have..  But I have the feeling that Scott and Ciaran’s copy is not even able to open anymore because it is sealed shut with gallons and gallons of hot loads sealing it closed.  Like.  The character is based off Abbath?  Fine.  The soundtrack rips off Until the Light Takes Us?  Uh..  Okay that’s kinda weird, but yeah..  fine.  You have to struggle vainly shoehorn in Norway as a fucking country into the film?  Yeah that’s kinda fucked dude.  Like.  Why?

This movie is so oppressively bland and boring, it’s giving me cancer even thinking about it.  Anywho, as the kids are taken hostage by their so overdone dickhead Dad, Ted Bundy rolls up and is all WHERE DID THEY GO.

He of course eventually finds them and like most family reunions, find that people are strung up on crosses in the backyard cornfield being burned alive.

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So the thing is with Sinister 2, is that the Super 8 footage acts too strongly as a buffer in the film.  In Sinister, we didn’t expect those videos and so their inclusion is what made the film really pop, even though it only did so in a small way..  but in Sinister 2, without the videos, the movie would be unwatchable.  And it really is unwatchable, even with them, but yeah that’s besides the point.  The sparkle is gone, is what I’m trying to say.

Turns out that Dylan doesn’t want to watch the scary films anymore and his brother Zach begins getting instructions from the dead kids on how to fuck over his family and he’s set up an elaborate crucifixion in the backyard, as to how, that’s not said but hey who needs fucking logic when you’ve got the power of Bughuul/Abbath on your side.

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Deputy fucknugget rolls up just in time to blast Zach with his car, but after he set his dad on fire, and help free Dylan and Momma Maxidress.  Zach goes all children of the corn on him and cuts his fingers off and somehow Deputy Dogood still manages to truck around, which definitely wouldn’t happen..  but hey..  what do I know.

Deputy Bundy destroys the Super 8 camera and apparently Bughuul is a camera hipster and really doesn’t like this so he freaks the fuck out and decides to..  burn Zach alive?  I’m not sure.  The whole thing kinda goes for a shit.

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The whole house catches on fire and how anyone would explain the whole, my son died and my husband is burnt alive in the backyard to the police, is anyone’s guess..  but again..  what do I know.

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The film of course ends with Deputy Bundy running into Bughuul again so I’m sure we can expect to see a Sinister 3 be crappily assembled from the shitty Xerox of black metal that is Sinister 1 and Sinister 2.  And I can only assume that I will further descend into the grasp of madness that threatens my life and sanity.

Seriously.  With an hour and half, you could go catfish perverts on craigslist.  It would be way easier and more entertaining and potentially more frightening.  I’m glad to see that this film was panned by almost everyone with any kind of taste.

Anyways.  With this all in mind, remember that black metal is dumb, you’re dumb, the Bughuul man is dumb and never ever listen Boards of Canada while making out with a dude that looks like Ted Bundy.  Oh.  And Always Stay Spooky~

Until next time…  or..  UNTIL THE LIGHT TAKES USSSSSSS

And i will show myself out..

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

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