Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Vargentine’s Day


Dear Varg,

Look dude, I think you are really scraping the bottom of the barrel by writing this gay ass love shit online every week, but I guess that’s okay because MYFAROG is fucking dope as hell and so fun to play.  Okay, so, I know that Valentine’s Day is coming up and that means that I have to buy some fucking flowers and chocolates for my girl and maybe even take her out to dinner or something, but like, I think that’s kind of bullshit because it’s not like she’s going to give me anything or even share her chocolate with me.  And let’s be honest, it’s not like women need more excuses to sit around eating chocolate all day.  I think it’s fucking stupid that I don’t have a special day for my interests, because I’d love it if my fucking babe brought me a bag of burgers or some shit and I could even give her something to suck on all day in place of chocolate if you know what I mean.

What do you think?  Can I just skip out this year on Valentine’s Day or will she be pissed?

Valentine in Vancouver


Dear Valentine,

From the strange note that you have sent me, I am truly disappointed in your character.  Allow me to begin by saying that I do not celebrate the Judeo-Christian veneration of a Saint who was martyred while helping Christian couples to wed.  The less help that the Christian plague can be given to spread the better, and I hope more Christian wedding makers are to be killed in this manner.  Truly, it might help some of those social issues in the South.  As for your reticience in offering up some tender care to your wife, girlfriend or side-piece, I can only assume that you are one of the worst varieties of male companion – a loser.  It is completely acceptable to admit to me that your minimum wage job working for the Mcdonald’s corporation does not provide you with enough cash to support your addiction to sugary energy drink products and leave much left over to treat your woman in a manner befitting her.  While you speak of your woman and ask her to “bring home the bacon” in terms of bringing to you some sawdust hamburgers in a greasy bag, you regret to tell me what it is that you are doing for her.  Perhaps this good woman is longing for you to put on your camouflage pants and stride into nature to bring to her some wild game.  Have you thought about shooting a rabbit and bringing it home to eat?  I recommend this most highly though I do caution against bringing rifles into the pet store, as the staff do not see this in a kind light.  Your lewd attempts at referencing fellatio also did not impress me, as it seems that you are seeking only your own gratification.  If you were truly a good man to your wife, girlfriend or sidepiece and brought home plentiful wild game for her to dress and prepare, she would happily follow you to the bedroom for whatever 0.2 second sexual encounter would follow.  The hearts of good women are attracted to providers.  So while I cannot recommend you engage in the Judeo Christian celebrations of Valentine’s Day, it is never an inappropriate time to simply murder someone who is in your woman’s way, as a sign of affection.  After some preliminary googling of Vancouver, I find that the city is compromised of mostly office buildings and hipster type restaurants..  just find whichever dumpy office woman is making your good wife’s life difficult and drown her at the buffet of some vegetarian ice cream parlour.  And further, remember, that if you are wanting your good wife to get down on her knees in servitude, it had best be for a true Kingly man and some dolt in a McBurger uniform waving his flaccid member through his shorts.

Perhaps when she inevitably dumps you, you could recommend for her to send me an email.  I specialize in rehabilitating women who have had the misfortune of ending up between the sheets with ‘men’ such as yourself.  It is part of my human outreach program.

Varg Vikernes 


Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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