Thirsty Thursday: There’s a Lana Song For That


Hey thotlings! Congrats, you’ve survived one-twelfth of 2016. I like to think of January as a practice month, like a fuck-up grace period of the new year before the resolutions completely kick in. So, happy February, y’all. It’s gettin real.

Luckily I got a new and improved job just in time. My favorite part about the gig is that I hardly have to talk to anyone. My second favorite part is that I can have headphones in all day. Talk about livin the dream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that there’s anything more emotionally laborious than having to constantly manufacture convo. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated my old job in that I met a lot of great friends who I otherwise probably never would have met, but having to smile and say hi to every cracker that walks by had me wanting to bash my head into the drywall a lot of days. I just. Can’t. Do it.


At the center of my “I’ve got serious computer work to do” starter park is definitely some type of YouTube autoplay hole. On Monday I made the mistake of starting with a Xasthur song, which inevitably turned into some full-album uploads of rando European bands with the black and white forest pictures that slowly make you doubt your florescent-lit sanity until you have the urge to go outside and get on all fours and start gnawing on grass. I’m not gonna lie, I occasionally hit the wall with the hard stuff. I think we all do, even if some are too big of elitists to admit it.

I’ve always been under the belief that good music can be found across all genres, you just have to be willing to dig a little bit. Dismissing all of country because of that sucky Florida Georgia Line song you heard on the radio is as misguided as someone throwing out metal because they saw a POD video on MTV in 2001 and it was lame. It’s not to say that anything mainstream automatically isn’t worth your time. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have my System of a Down albums staring at me from across the room. But I think you get my point. Not a whole hell of a lot of good in life comes offered to you on a silver platter, whether it be a new job, a love interest, or whatever. You have to, you know, try a little bit, put yourself out there, and give different things a chance.

This leads us to the curious case of creative visionary and Queen Thot, Lana Del Rey. On one hand, Lana is famous as fuck. She has hundreds of thousands of views on her most loved music videos, and you can hardly even think of the latest film adaptation The Great Gatsby without thinking of Young & Beautiful (which will probably be the wedding song of every chick born in the early to mid-90’s). But on the other, she’s largely left out of the award show circuit and only seems to get mainstream press coverage when she’s singing for the Kardashians. What accounts for this LDR media blackout? To be honest with you, I don’t really know. My best guess is that her whole aesthetic isn’t as marketable as the happy-go-lucky charades of Taylor Swift, but even that answer seems like a little bit of a cop-out.


What I do know is that I’m just glad I found her. She’s been with me through the pain of early workouts, lengthy writing assignments, and long nights crying when my ex-boyfriend was choosing the crack pipe over me. But she’s also been there through road trips, hair and makeup sessions, and karaoke performances on my sister’s balcony after too much vanilla Smirnoff. Perhaps this versatility is what’s led to some of Lana’s success. Too many other artists/bands/performers seem to only cater to either the good times or bad, but Lana manages to span it all, and possess a realness and simultaneous soul-shattering aesthetic that keeps us hitting the replay button. Slowly but surely, the bad bitches are winning and taking back pop music in the process, and not to sound like Alex Jones or nothing, but perhaps this is a revolution that won’t be televised.


I know many metal fans have already opened their hearts to some LDR. But if you’re new to the sad girl game and are curious to hear the audible version of the female condition, I gotchu. So, here’s a Lana suggestion for whatever life may throw at you:


  1.  When your friend finally realizes she’s been dealing with a fuck boy even though you’ve been telling her for the past six months he’s a fuck boy:

This is what makes us Girls


There she was, my new best friend

High heels in her hand

Swaying in the wind

Oh she starts to cry, mascara running down those little Bambi eyes

‘Lana how I hate those guys’

2.  When the perfect Tinder dude with the job and motorcycle messages you first:

Serial Killer


Wish I may

Wish I might

Find my one true love tonight

Do you think that it could be you?

3.  When McDonald’s finally credits you all that back pay:

Hundred Dollar Bill



Hundred dollar bill, hundred dollar bill

Nothing more gorgeous than a hundred dollar bill

Nothing more gorgeous than a hundred dollar bill

Twenty of ‘em wrapped up tight in silk

4.  When you’re a communist but you have the perfect flower crown to wear for 4th of July:

National Anthem


Red, whites, blues in the sky

Summer’s in the air and baby, heaven’s in your eyes

I’m your national anthem

5.  When you really need to stop listening to Jolene on repeat but don’t wanna lose your vibe:

Velvet Crowbar


You’re like crack to me

I don’t wanna leave

I’m watching you sleep, afraid you’ll stop breathing

My baby’s on his last life darling

Gonna stay with him til morning

6.  When you’re able to find your lighter in your purse when you’re drunk:



Now my life is sweet like cinnamon

Like a fucking dream I’m livin in

7.  When you and your best friend had a perfect afternoon of day drinking and your Uber is pulling up to take you home and the driver looks like the rapist from The Lovely Bones:

Summertime Sadness


I’m feelin electric tonight

Cruising down the coast goin bout 99

Got my bad baby by my heavenly side

I know if I go, I’ll die happy tonight

8.  When you and your friends are supposed to go out but accidentally end up in a teenage meth dealer’s basement instead:

Florida Kilos


Guns in the summertime,

Drink a cherry cola lime

Prison isn’t nothin to me

If you’ll be by my side

9.  When you realize Leo DiCaprio films make you more emotionally and sexually fulfilled than any relationship ever has ever:

Bel Air


So I run like I’m mad to heaven’s door

I don’t wanna be bad,

I won’t cheat you no more

10. When friends or family boast that they ordered pizza and you get excited but then you look at and it’s FUCKING thin crust:

Damn You


And I won’t cry myself to sleep like a sucker

I won’t cry myself to sleep

If I do I’ll die

I pray your life is sweet, you fucker

Damn you



Fuck me – all this Lana talk and I’ve got myself listening to Youth of a Nation. Share your #casuallanamoments with me at my sleaze mail.

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