Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Booty Juice

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Dear Varg,

I really love reading your column and even though I think you are kinda crazy, I had a question for you that is kinda intimate.  My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and and we have a lot of sex, but he only ever wants to have sex with the lights off.  My boyfriend has what is now called “the dad bod”, and I thought he was insecure about it at first, but the thing is that I have a pretty nice body, I work out like four times a week, I eat vegan, and wear LuLuLemon yoga pants.  I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like how I look.  What should I do?  What do you think about having the lights off versus having the lights on?

Lights Off in Little Rock

 

Dear Lights Off,

You sound to be a good woman, so I am going to be most honest with you.  Your man partner sounds himself to be quite a loser.  Any “man” who is more concerned about the appearance of his own bottom than seeing what sounds to be the luscious holiday hams you are packing in your sweatshop made sweatpants, is truly not a man at all.  I, personally, am a visual learner and unless I can grab a sweet handful of flesh and then later look upon the love marks that my grasp has left, I do not feel as if the act was truly complete.  While I cannot tell you what to do in this situation, you have my email address and with it the knowledge that I never dim the lights when the time comes to get down.  I remain illuminated in order to see that booty juice froth.

Vark Vikernes

 

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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