Sexual Sunday With Varg Vikernes: Reefer Madness

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Dear Varg

I’m super confused about why you write for this piece of shit website run by losers who think it’s funny to call themselves drunks.  My Dad died from liver failure and it sucks.  Anyways, in a way I’m really glad that you do do this, because I have a question.  My hot ass girlfriend just dumped me because she says I smoke too much weed and she hauled her hot ass to Toronto.  I’m super busted up about her because I think she’s exaggerating about the weed thing.  Do you think she was just messing with me?  How much weed is too much?  I mean, I like to 420 blaze it and I got super high before seeing the new Hunger Games movie and fell asleep and she was pretty pissed.  I don’t know what to do.

Sincerely,

Weedy in Winnipeg

 

Dear “Weedy”,

Due to the fact that you started this letter off by complaining about the alcoholics who run this, as you call it, “piece of shit website”, I have little respect for you.  To add in further about the issues you have around your father’s passing, is also sufficiently odd.  Shall I surmise perhaps that you have some, “Daddy issues”?  Perhaps it is these very issues and not the “weed smoking” which is the real reason that your hot ass girlfriend decided to leave you.  On the subject of weed smoking, I firmly believe that if you are engaging in the neo pagan rite of hippie passage that is smoking the ganja, I believe you to be a loser.  Your good woman most likely got sick of your foul hash pipe breath, Dorito dusted chest hair and inability to get up off the couch and give her a good hate fucking and thusly decided to, as you hippies say, “peace out”.  And really, one cannot blame her.  She is probably in Toronto right now, in the arms of a good man who can bring home some wild game and camo pants for her.  A true provider.

Come to think of it, do you have her number?  Since she has ditched the zero, it might be time for her to get with a hero and give Uncle Varg a call.

Best wishes and try not to light yourself on fire when you fall asleep clutching your ‘bong’.

Varg Vikernes.

 

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

 

One response to “Sexual Sunday With Varg Vikernes: Reefer Madness

  1. Pingback: Trash/Thrash Tuesday: Dashboard Confessional – “Screaming Infidelities” | DRUNK IN A GRAVEYARD·

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