Hey there tiny angel friends! The oldblackgoat here. Me and Scotty had a real time last night because we watched Deathgasm, the much praised, much touted, much anticipated horror comedy heavy metal gore fest, and I’m here to tell you gentle cats: That. Movie. Fucking. Sucked.
Now. I’m in school. When I can escape the drudges of doing homework, reading textbooks, and contemplating killing my classmates, I enjoy popping in a flick, getting high AF and letting the old mind wander.
I had heard quite a bit about Deathgasm, from its debut at SXSW, and there was much twittering around this film produced by the same dick who produced ABCs of Death and Housebound, promised to be a heavy metal homage to hilarity. I paid $20 for the Blu-Ray of this film and was pretty psyched to watch it. I will be up front with you cool customers here and admit, I didn’t even bother finishing it, I had to turn it off close to the end, as truthfully, being pandered to isn’t something I find entertaining and with better things to do like rub liniment oil on my muscles and floss my teeth, I gave up.
Allow it to be said, the only film I have ever walked out of or turned off due to it being terrible was Transformers 2. So. Deathgasm is roughly on part with CGI robots talking in ebonics. So allow that comment to sink in for a while.
One of the first thing I noticed about Deathgasm was a lot of reliance on dick and fart jokes (pay attention here because this is important for later). The animated opening sequence has a dude jamming on a dick guitar, and there was heavy phallic imagery, cum and blood and the whole charade, but I figured since this film has 15 year old protagonists, it was par for the course.
The film follows a hesher metalhead loser who finds some music to summon demons and with his bands engages in a Todd and the Book of Pure Evil round of slapstick fuck wankery as Deadites (er.. wrong film) rise up and begin mildly annoying the neighborhood and are somehow beaten senseless with dildos which is about where my interest began waning, and about fifteen minutes later, I checked out entirely.
While there was some laughs to be had in the film, namely in the shooting of the band’s music video (pretty hilarious), and I also enjoyed the first time the little preppy girl hears her first metal song and becomes instantaneously surrounded by big titted bimbos. Though these aspects were chuckle worthy, a film that is based solely on how I chuckled twenty minutes previous is just weak. The characters were sloppy and the film was filled myriad missed oppurtunities to riff on metal and it’s figureheads and rather opted for ridiculous slapstick and the ever present penis humor.
Don’t get me wrong kids.. I’ve got no issue with dick and fart jokes. I am a fan of Kevin Smith, and here’s where some problems occur. Kevin Smith takes his kicks like a man, he knows his own failings and owns them. This is where the review portion of this film ends. I turned the film off. I’d rather go to bed at 9:30pm than finish it.
I did however, have the intention of rewatching the film with a group of friends after a few drinks to see if I had missed something along the way though. Until all this went to shit.
Where the real hilarity starts though with this piece is that Scott (who runs the @DrunkGraveyard twitter account) and myself posted some seemingly harmless jests about the overreliance on phallic humor in the film. Within a few moments both the producer and the director were very much up in arms about receiving criticism that differed from the general praises. Though the producer relented and was not ever rude about our commentary, the director Jason Lei Howden got his jimmies rustled and went off on a tear so ridiculous that I am including screenshots of the whole exchange, because it really must be seen to be believed. This tear includes blocking and unblocking both the @oldblackgoat and @DrunkGraveyard twitter accounts to keep hurling insults because he was unable to wrap his mind around the fact that two individuals didn’t like his film.
With this in mind, please consider that though I have trashed both Eli Roth and Ti West, both of these directors have shared my reviews, engaged in playful banter with me, and generally accepted that not everyone and their dog is going to suck the dick of their films. And this is generally what artists do – accept criticism, move on, and keep creating. What artists don’t generally do is cry like a little baby, attempt to force someone into enjoying their work, and then freak the fuck out online for the world to see and when all was said and done.. I still don’t like the film.
What this little exchange did accomplish was cement with me that I don’t ever want to watch a film by this tiny baby, and that he’s a borderline lunatic. Attempting to silence dissenting opinions with an online shitfit is bad publicity, but then again.. with a poorly put together ‘kutte’ like this, he’s doing it all to himself. You sir, are a false, and I reject your fuckery.
The reason I post this is as follows – my opinions and the opinions of my staff are not opinions that are for sale. If I like something, I like it, and if I don’t, then I don’t. I am entitled to speak my opinions – that is what the age of the internet has given each person with an internet connection – a voice, and in the words Holden from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back “The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.”
Trying to bully me out of my opinion is not acceptable. Take your licks and kicks like a man and move the fuck along. Not everyone in this wild frontier of the internet is gonna like what you do and if they don’t like it.. well then it wasn’t made for them and they don’t have to like it.
My staff and I have never, and will never pull any punches about what we think is good and what we think is garbage so put that in your pipe and smoke it.