Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Scribbles

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Dear Varg:

I’ve been seeing a girl for a while now, and things are going great except for one little detail. She’s an artist and makes the most beautiful paintings, drawings and sketches, but she has a bit of a guilty pleasure regarding the Minions from that movie Despicable Me. She thinks they’re really cute and she loves sketching out little comics of them, which I’ve had no problems with. But the other day I was looking for something in her desk drawer and came across some rather…well lewd drawings of these little minion things….in compromising positions. I’m quite shocked and not sure how to proceed. It does explain a few things, like the time she asked me to wear overalls to bed. What should I do? Should I address it? Or just ignore her dirty little secret?

Screwed up by Scribbles in Sacramento

 

Dear Screwed Up:

Now I am a man who loves art and I most certainly can appreciate some quality drawings and sketches, especially if the subject matter is say.. a really rocking girl who resembles a Valkyrie of some variety, in a metal bikini holding a broad sword and just riding a bigass Balrog through the pits of Hell or something along those lines. Does your girlfriend take commissions in-between drawing genitals on those ching chong chinaman yellow monsters you call ‘the Minions’? If so, pass my request on to her, my new album needs a cover.  I am very serious.

Anyway, with album art aside – back to your demented girlfriend, I would just ignore what you saw. Put the drawing back in the drawer, close the drawer, burn the desk down and then burn the house down too just to be safe. But if you’re adverse to some light arson (pussy) maybe steer her in the direction of the internet? There’s a lot of weird stuff on that internet. I know there exists a website wherein people put bad drawings of that blue rat from that videogame and those weird Japanese girls with the huge eyes on there and I think it is called devious art?  Something like that. Anyways, maybe sit her down and say “Good woman, I know you’re quite odd, but there’s a place for you. Now go roast some venison and paint Sexual Varg a sick tapestry of a lady Viking warrior with huge cans”

Best of luck!

Varn Vikernes

 

 

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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