Holy jumping fucking shitballs. Okay. You guys. Seriously you guys. I was strolling along through my university campus, drinking deeply from a coffee, debating hanging myself from the dorm balcny, as per usual and during this phase of my morning entropy, I happened upon a young lad wearing A FUCKING UNDEROATH hoodie.
Look. I’m not saying it’s cold AF up here, because let’s be serious, it’s Canada, but I am straight up saying that I would rather crawl my way through the driven snow in the nude (a la that real fucked up scene from The Hateful Eight, amirite?) than ever wear an Underoath hoodie, or merch of anykind.
That shit is so backward and fucked up busted it’s like riding a penny farthing in the Indy-500. I had so many questions for this dude.. who allow me to say also had snakebites lip piercings. Like. Did this motherfucker come from the past to warn us about something in the future and the time travel wiped his memory to a clean slate and he just kinda staggered around the campus looking for meaning and easy pussy? What happened here? Was this another Berenstein/Berenstain bears situation? Did the time space continuum break off somewhere and this guy was thrown unsuspectingly into our universe where emo in 2016 is most decidedly uncool.
What if my perceptions of cool are all fiddle faddle? What if the truth is that somewhere in the midst of all the Satanism, high grade marijuana, doom metal, and black clothing, I had actually become uncool. WHAT IF WE ALL HAD. What if this guy was the actual only cool person left and he was all, “pfft. black clothes. posers.” Like. I can’t even explain.
me seeing someone in 2016 wearing UnderOath merch
Also, for real, this dude 100% caught me staring open mouthed at him and I’m assuming he thought I was autistic (I am but that’s beside the point), mentally deficient in someway, or perhaps having a Vietnam flashback. This confused young chap offered me a wave, because you know it’s not everyday when you wander across campus to buy overpriced books from a university bookstore and you catch the gaze of someone with a 1000 yard stare that could make a grown man weep. If you’re out there reading this dude… please tell me of your ways. Did you build a time machine? How do you remember the Berenstein/Berenstain bears being spelled?
I did what any regular well mannered person would do and kind of staggered off into the daylight to listen to Mortuary Drape and ponder if I was a complete moron (spoiler alert: I am).
You guys, between people wearing Underoath hoodies and me receiving like 40 emails a day from Varg Vikernes threatening my life, I don’t know if I can make it through this horseshit. I’m not so well equipped to handle this stuff anymore. My baboon heart can’t take it. I don’t know if I’ve done too many drugs or not enough, but either way I haven’t done the exact right amount, and encounters like this aren’t helping.
Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You’ve done this wrong
It’s too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I’m just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you
Here is where we both go wrong
Tonight’s your last chance to
Do exactly what you want to
And this could be my night
This is what makes me feel alive
Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong
So sign me up
And toss this key
‘Cause for now we’re
Living in this moment
And we both ignore the truth
Its all over
Its all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
[chorus]
Your lungs have failed and they both stopped breathing
My heart is dead and its way past beating
Something has gone terribly wrong
I’m scared, you’re scared, we’re scared of this
I never thought we’d make it out alive
I never told you but its all in your goodbyes
It’s all in your goodbyes
Well look who’s dying now
Slit wrists sleeping with the girl next door
I always knew you were such a sucker for that
It doesn’t matter what you say
You never mattered anyway
Never mattered anyway
In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It’s all over
It’s all over
I feel your heart against mine
So take a breath and close your eyes
[chorus]
Don’t shake, I hate to see you tremble
Trembling you’ve lost your touch
Haven’t you, I’m so addicted
[chorus]
Okay. So seriously, what the fuck does this song mean? What the shit is it about? If it wasn’t lame enough for this dude to still be repping the emo look, this dude is repping CHRISTIAN emo. Damn. Nothing more whiney than loving the lord. Also. Who is this song being sung to, I’m genuinely curious. First it starts off as being sung to I’m assuming a woman, and then there’s that line “slit wrists and sleeping with the girl next door”… so.. is this being sung to a dude? Doesn’t the bible have some pretty harsh think points on the gays? What if this dude is singing to Jesus? Why is Jesus sleeping with the girl next door? The whole slit wrists thing might be a metaphor for the stigmata. Mind blown.