Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Nomenclature Confusion

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Hey Varg,

I’m a long time reader of Sexual Sunday and I own at least one Burzum album.  I’m writing to you because I recently started seeing a new woman, a good woman, and she told me that her last boyfriend used to call his dick “Oathbreaker”, like some kind of gay ass Game of Thrones shit.  It’s making me really uncomfortable because I don’t have a name for my unit.  I’m just a regular guy, you know?  I go to work, come home, eat some steak, jerk off, wipe off my chest and go to sleep.  Help me find a good name that I can make my new girlfriend squeal so she can forget about the last knight to slay her dragon and his sword “Oathbreaker”.

Nameless in Nanaimo

 

Hello Nameless,

It seems that along with being what you would term to be a ‘normal guy’, you are also not so imaginative.  What many of these people do not realize is that when you are a musician or an artist of most any kind, we all generally name our glorious members.  While I cannot speculate about the sexuality behind a person who would name their sword after something from a poorly written series like Game of Thrones, allow me to let you in on the name of my throbbing member:

 

“Die Transzendentale Saule Der Singularitat” or the Transcendental Column of Singularity was a name I first came up with while in Norwegian prison.  A name is something that must be bestowed, and it must also have power.  While I have not seen the package you are delivering, I think that since you are rivalling a knight for the hand and hole of your fair lady that you should also name your column after a sword.  Might I suggest Glamdring, the sword carried by Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings?  Or perhaps Gungir, after the spear of Odhinn?  Your good lady will tremble like Khaleesi when she sees the weapon you wield.

Love,

Varn Vikersen

**Editor’s note – I’m assuming Varg has simply misspelled his name here, but I am contractually not able to edit any of his writing, even for clarity.**

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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