I hate year end lists.. no one gives a fuck what your favourite albums of the year were, no one gives a shit what movies you jerked off to.. sorry. No1curr. However, Since I’m not above wanting to be included, and since I also enjoy trolling, I’ve come up with a list of six things that can fuck right off in 2016.
1. Generic doom bands (especially the ones whose knowledge of doom doesn’t go much past Sleep). Look. We get it that black metal is super passe and what not, especially since Varg Vikernes now writes for this trash heap of a website which is actually really good for him because it’s a step up from the disjointed ramblings he usually pens on his own blog, which I am contractually obliged to not link. We also know that denim vests are pretty cool and stuff but strapping one on while getting lit on some high grade dope doesn’t mean you have to make oppressively bland doom albums to regale the rest of with. Stop it. It sounds bad and you should feel bad.
2. Colored vinyl and steelbooks. Look. We all love stuff. The talking box in our living room and the shiny Apple products we use do a very good job of teaching us from earlier and earlier ages that we must consume. Now, I’m not pissing down your throat here over shit you love.. we all wanna buy cool albums, and we all wanna buy blu-rays and what not. I get it. I do. What I don’t get is this sudden proliferation and oversaturation in the market of poorly thrown together steelbooks for rereleases of shitty films no one gave a fuck about when they first came out. The same goes for vinyl.. take some garbage, rerelease it, put it on 180gm colored vinyl and throw it in a gatefold, call it limited and the collective hive mind of metal shits its self while throwing dollars at their laptops like so many stripper’s big fake asses getting rained on.. These things look bad and you should feel bad.
3. Harsh noise. Look. You don’t listen to this stuff. No one does. Some dude shitting into a bucket while dropping action figures onto the ground isn’t art, it’s not music, and seriously, no one listens to it. No one. If you do, you need to check your marijuana intake and possibly get tested for a litany of deficiences because in so many words, you have smoked yourself stupid. What harsh noise is, is adult children with greasy dreads and patchy clothes who are so fucked up on drugs they are not able to even string together four chord punk songs.. banging pots and pans together for attention.. like babies do, because I mean really.. All the crust punk millenials I know still get rides in Mom’s SUV. And I mean, just smash away in your box of action figures and call it performance art. It worked for Throbbing Gristle. Actually, you know what, I take that back. Throbbing Gristle at least had some musical aspect to it, and they did it first, so neener neener to you crust punk fuck ups. Harsh noise sounds bad and you should feel bad.
4. Cocaine. This might be unpopular opinion time given the weird shit I know most of you fuckers get up to, but look… cocaine is a shitty and mindless drug used by shitty and mindless people. I am forced to live in a home with a group of cokeheads who think that shirtless wrestling at 4am while bellowing like a dying bull elephant is completely normal and who then paint me like a real piece of shit when I ask for them to fuck off. Cocaine is garbage. It’s expensive, it’s stepped on, it’s bad for your brain, your heart, and your relationships. Man, all cokeheads think they’re real slick. My neighbors all think that we don’t know they’re ripped to the tits on blow when they’re screaming at 4:30am. Look. Kids. There’s two reasons you’re up at 4:30am… either you work shift work or you’ve been jamming chemical nose candy all night. I’m not an idiot. For real though – go smoke some pot, drop some acid and laugh at your hands. It’s better for your body, and more importantly your soul. Doing cocaine is bad, and you should feel bad.
5. PC Punk SJWs and their “safe spaces”: Seriously, there’s a good chance I may not be able to finish typing this because I’m laughing so fucking hard at this awful vest. Like. If you saw someone wearing that, what the shit would your reaction be. Allow me to say I have no issues with kuttes, battle vests, etc.. that’s not the joke I’m making here. The ridiculousness of a full feminism themed vest could only be equalled by constructing a vest with only the patches of one band you like. Also, I’m not comparing feminism to a band, so don’t start blogging just yet. Creating a vest with patches of only one band demonstrates to me that you have one facet, one interest, similarly so with the all feminism vest. Fine. Be a feminist. Rock on. But, if you have to splash it all over a vest as if that’s the only thing about you, methinks you’re trying a bit hard. Why not just get the female symbol tattooed on your face? Or Roxy the Riveter tattooed on your forehead, just so we don’t have any questions about your feminist erection. What this vest tells me is that whoever is wearing it is probably offended by everything, makes up bullshit pronouns, trivializes issues, tells people to “die in a fire” when they don’t agree with them, and believes in “safe spaces”. This to me is really hilarious, the concept of the safe space within metal and punk genres.. k.. first of all, metal and punk aren’t really meant to be safe, it’s ugly music for ugly people. Just because someone sings songs with the word bitch and violent themes, doesn’t mean this is a direct reflection of the person they are, so while I fully support excluding individuals who act violently (I’m talking assault that is real, and not verbal, or online..), I absolutely do not support censorship. A local punk venue failed after it tried to ban the use of the word “bitch”. What a real fucking wank job. I’m serious. Punk kids with leather patch pants that smell like swamp ass, held together by dental floss with 00g septum piercings tried to ban the use of the term “bitch” all while screaming “FUCK THE POLICE, DEATH TO ALL COPS” and were unable to see the irony in all of this. I’m sick of hearing about safe spaces, sick of hearing the whining. Being scared of words is bad and you should all feel bad.
6. Plagiarism, copycats and unoriginal fuck ups. First of all.. Imitation is NOT the sincerest form of flattery, it’s creepy AF. Okay? So let’s get that out of the way. Though I know that my writing and my art acts as an inspiration for other artists and writers, inclusive of my own staff, being inspired by something does not include directly ripping something off and claiming it as your own. For those of you unfamiliar with my photography, during shows I tend to take photographs of the performing artist’s shoes. This began for me, interestingly enough, as a necessity. For those who have not met me in person, I’m a very petite woman. I clock in at barely 5ft tall. When I’m shooting in a photo pit full of burly dudes, I am very limited sometimes in my view. As a joke to myself, I started taking photos of shoes during shows. I love footwear, and it’s always really interesting to me to see what shoes people are wearing – from fucked out Converse with mismatched socks, to several thousand dollar designer boots. My photography evolved and for me, these photos represent a look into the personalities of these artists, and represents my own personal adaptability. Rather than pissing myself and bitching and moaning, I used the challenge and adapted to it. After having been openly mocked by a Vancouver show photographer (I’m using this term loosely) for my photographs, this photographer then directly ripped off my style, claimed it as his own and had the gall to tag me in the post containing the plagirized photograph. Look. I know that having original thoughts involves using the thinky brain and churning up the brain worms, but seriously.. You don’t get to make fun of someone openly, mock them for having a disability (I have HFA), and then jack my style. Back the fuck up off me dude. It’s weird, and you’re weird. BTW, your site sucks. It’s bad and you should feel bad.
Anyways. I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions, and will likely be the same cantankerous cider witch that I have always been. I hope your hangovers are treating you well. Drink some coconut water and smoke some weed. Thanks for making 2015 awesome.
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