Christmas is yet again upon us, and this means that while everyone else is spending time with their family and friends, singing songs, and unwrapping presents, I’ve YET AGAIN decided to lock myself in my gross creepy basement, and watch the literal worst that the holiday genre has to offer. You see, anyone who was foolish enough to care about me, I pushed away in fits of beer fueled creepy depression… and while this may sound sad to some, believe me, I’m fine. I’m saving so much money on all the gifts I don’t have to buy! Also, my self imposed isolation have left me with a lot of free time on my hands, and a disposition tilted towards chipping away at the joy filled traditions that so many hold dear. I’m not going out there vandalising nativity scenes, or anything. That requires going outside, something I have an aversion towards even when it’s nice out. No, I watch terrible, terrible Christmas movies, and tell you all about them. Merry Christmas, and you’re welcome, idiots. Anyway, this year, I decided to reach waaaaay down in my fuzzy red gift sack, and share with you something that you probably never wanted to know existed. It’s ANOTHER Christmas themed blood and boobs fest featuring Debbie Rochon, and contains ANOTHER appearance by Lloyd Kaufman. I really feel like I’ve just been reviewing the same movie over and over again for the last 2 and a half years. Anyway, this is Bikini Bloodbath Christmas, and it’s pretty fucking stupid, you guys.

I guess Debbie Rochon is TECHNICALLY in this…

Before we dive on in, it should be noted that this is actually part 3 of the Bikini Bloodbath trilogy, with the first taking place in a sorority house, and the second taking place at a bikini carwash. Use this information as you need to, but it’s literally not important. All you need to know the first one had boobs and a killer chef, and the second had boobs and the RETURN of the killer chef.  The third breaks new ground with boobs,  and the return of the killer chef as a zombie. The only thing that seems important from the previous movies is that Debbie Rochon was featured more prominently, and the events of the second film left her in a coma. As far as this movie goes,  it starts with random people waking up from various nightmares. I think it’s a joke? Or it tries to be. It tries REALLY hard to be. There’s a lot of that going on in this movie. Then it cuts into a 4 minute montage of girls trying on bikinis set to an 80s cock rock style song about Christmas. After a bit of boob action, we finally get into the main plot.

Our protagonists, I guess.

Ok, so half of the Bikini girls work in a head shop that is run by Debbie Rochon’s sister, who is really a dude in drag. The other half work in a sandwich shop on the other side of the strip mall, which is run by a creepy Jesus freak named Geena Davis. Also, the sandwich shop girls are lead by a girl named Willem Dafoe, and she is apparently supposed to be a dude? At any rate, the two shops seem to be in competition for some reason. You’d think a head shop and a sandwich shop would feed each other’s businesses, not fight over customers. But making a lick of sense clearly isn’t this movie’s strong suit. I guess the conflict is more which business gets to have a Santa in the courtyard. But the Santas wrestle for supremacy in a kiddie pool like 20 mins in anyway, so that still doesn’t make sense.

I don’t make these things up, guys

Ok, so after a bit of ultimately pointless exposition, the sandwich girls challenge the protagonists to meet at the grave of the killer chef from the previous movie, where the main girl ends up awakening a zombie chef by touching his tombstone. One of the girls ends up getting killed, but the next day, they all go back to work and never talk about it again. They’re even surprised when the killer shows up later in the movie. Also, there’s a running joke that one of the girls has a weight problem, and everyone else constantly gives her shit about it. She’s also not actually overweight, but I guess that’s the joke?

I mean, just look at this disgusting worthless tub of goo

The ladyman who runs the head shop ends up throwing a Christmas party, and invites the sandwich folks for some reason. Then we have 20 minutes of strip poker with no one getting naked, passionate girl on girl action with no one getting naked, and hot tubbing where the only person getting naked is the sketchy dude who owns the sandwich shop. Now that I think about it, after the first 5 minutes, which was literally nothing BUT boobs, the fanservice switch seemed to get flipped to the off position.  Huh. That’s kind of weird.

yeah, that’s right… I pulled a screen grab of some dude’s junk. Wanna fight about it?

So, at the party, zombie chef inevitably shows up and starts murdering people. I should add that they aren’t even particularly creative murders, either. It comes down to the zombie chef vs the ladyman and the main girl who survived the first two movies. Then, it’s revealed that it wasn’t a zombie chef at all! It was Debbie Rochon the whole time. Even though she was in a coma for the whole movie, and we SAW the chef climb up from the grave. But twist ending,  YAAY!

And these guys NEVER even sold a single glaive

And that’s it. It just kind of ends. It’s a Christmas horror boob comedy that isn’t funny or scary, and barely even features boobs or Christmas. It had a few funny moments, but it’s pretty much a waste of time. Luckily for me, it’s only like 70 mins long. It certainly tries to be funny… like SUPER hard, but other than maybe one or two moments, it really just falls flat. The funniest part of the movie is that for some reason, it features the main guy and the cyclops from the 80s fantasy epic Krull working as door to door glaive salesmen. Yeah, i don’t know why either, but it’s a thing that happens.  Also, I am quite amused at the fact that this movie manages to pull off the task of simultaneously trying way too hard, and not trying at all. Still, it’s better than Santa Claws, so it’s not technically the WORST Christmas horror I’ve seen. Honestly, it kind of gives off an intentionally stupid “I Spit Chew on Your Grave” kind of vibe, but much less charming or weird. So watch it or don’t. If ogling average looking girls wearing bikinis is your thing, you might get a kick out of it, I guess. But I’m officially done with Christmas until next year, when maybe I’ll actually get to talk about something worth seeing.  Fingers crossed, guys.

-Johnny Zontal can be found searching for a movie that DOESN’T have Lloyd Kaufman in it on Twitter