Ah Yule. The darkest night of the year, the longest night. For my readers not playing the home game, and apparently ignorant to our great ways here at Drunk In A Graveyard – we do not celebrate the Christ’s Mass, rather we follow the tradition of my family and celebrate the pagan holiday of Yule, which technically fell yesterday. This past weekend we had a loud and somewhat out of control party where we drank wassail, mead, drank and ate and held close our friends, which is really what the season is meant to be about. For those idiots who remind you to keep Christ in Christ’s Mass, remember then that they stole their traditions from the pagans, and in fact celebrate one of the most pagan traditions of all. Funny how that works, it always does – some uppity know it alls becoming everything they hate. Ah, isn’t that great?

Anywho, since this will be the last Trash/Thrash Tuesday piece before the actual holiday of Christ’s Mass, but falling somewhat after Yule, I wanted to end off this season with a song that I adore called “Hail The Holly King” by Inkubus Sukkubus, and yeah, Inkubus Sukkubus isn’t metal. They’re an english gothic folk type band populated by pagans who make music for pagans. This band actively sings of their pagan faith and are for all intents and purposes, pretty cheesy, what with the drum machine, cleopatra eyemakeup and what not, but.. Not much equals being a sad thirteen year old growing up the scary loser because your parents are the local weirdoes and finally finding music that spoke to the practices that you were brought up with. This shit was the bread and butter of my home and I’m still sort of scared of my Slavic grandmother and her tales of the Baba Yaga.

I hear a lot of bitching out here on the internet about how “hipster” it is for people to adopt ancient traditions into their hearts around this season, and how stupid ideas like Krampus are. First of all – there’s nothing wrong with looking back to your homeland and finding meaning in your heritage and creating a tradition suitable for you. If you find yourself growing weary and crotchety during this time of year, you should change it up and create some happiness for yourself. Don’t like the precious baby Jesus? Kick his ass out of the manager and erect a church burning nativity scene. Don’t believe in old Saint Nick? Well tell him to put on a Krampus suit because you’re going over to Frau Perchta’s house to hear about Jólaköttur, the giant Icelandic Yule cat who eats anyone who does not receive new clothes for the holidays. Don’t let anyone tell you that something is hipster and shame you for liking something. Even if you’re the lamest lame loser on the block and you like some lame stuff, if it makes you happy, grab it by the balls and don’t let go. All these people who scream and point hipster at everything are the true sad sacks who hate everything corporate, but the moment something real and fun comes along, suddenly everyone is a hipster, so seriously, pay them no mind.

Also, for those of you grinch types who are too busy hating your parents for not buying you a new Tonka truck or ejaculating Dracula for the season, on behalf of everyone please get over it. Go drink six Jaeger-bombs and get merry. Seriously. You’re bumming us all out.

All across the virgin snow
And through the naked trees
On a cold winter’s night
His song is on the breeze
Where the moonlight paints the frost
Upon the robin’s song
He’s come a-calling for us all
Now the summer’s gone!

Hark! Hear the children sing
Glory to the Holly King

In the whisky and in the wine
He is here this Yule-tide time
A-dancing in the home-fire flames
A-dancing, singing, playing games
When the prayers are to the East
He is with us at the feast
His crown is nailed to the door
He’s with us forevermore!

Hark! Hear the children sing
Glory to the Holly King
Let the jingle bells all ring
Hail, hail the Holly King

Underneath the mistletoe
He is in all lover’s hearts
He fans the flames of desire
‘Tis he who fires Cupid’s darts
He is in all children’s dreams
Dressed in red or dressed in green
Riding on the astral sleigh
He’s the spririt of the day!

Hark! Hear the children sing
Glory to the Holly King
Let the jingle bells all ring
Hail, hail the Holly King

Hark! Hear the children sing
Glory to the Holly King
Let the jingle bells all ring
Hail, hail the Holly King

Hark! Now hear the children sing
Glory to the Holly King
Let the jingle bells all ring
Hail, hail the Holly King

Well that rant went off in a few different directions but really, who cares. I hope all of my readers have a very happy holiday, no matter what you celebrate. Enjoy yourselves, hold your loved ones close, eat way too much, wear sweatpants and spill booze on yourselves… it’s what Krampus would want.