Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: Eager Black Metal Beaver



*Editor’s note*
Well let’s just say that last week things got a bit fucked here in the graveyard as I am not sure that many of you can handle the fact that good old Saint Varg Vikernes writes for this goddamn site, and truthfully neither can I. When he isn’t frothing at the mouth and sending me poorly written emails threatening my life, he’s apparently answering your love questions. Today we have a special question from a young lady looking for some advice about her first time, and here’s Varg to pop that cherry and burn it to the fucking ground.


Dear Varg,

I recently started seeing this guy. He’s super dreamy, plays guitar in a black metal band and I’m crazy about him. We’ve had a few dates and I think I’m ready to “go all the way” with him… I’m a little nervous about it though. I just want it to be really special for our first time and I’m afraid my bachelor suite apartment might not exactly be the tantalizing environment for our special night together. How can I transform my small space into the decadent mood room I long to share with my lank-haired lover?

Impatiently yours,
Eager B.C. Beaver



Dear Eager B.C. Beaver,

While I think that there is nothing more metal than the blood that comes from between a woman’s thighs, I would make sure that this young man is, in fact, the hero meant to slay this particular dragon (perhaps I should add this an expansion to my MYFAROG game). I should expect that if this young man is in a black metal band, that he is to be in one most grim and true and that he is not a false.  Young lady, I have been recently reading and I have read about places where human bones wash up out of graves and perhaps you and your black clad young leather daddy Lothario could procure some in order to spice up your bed and sleeping area in order to give it that “eternal darkness” feel.  Or, you could gaslight one of his bandmates in order to drive them to suicide.  Make sure to leave guns around the house so when this tormented soul inevitably pulls the trigger, you can collect bone fragments.  I am thinking of making a pinterest how to on making a candle holder out of human skull.  

All the best on having your field thoroughly plowed,

Vark Vikernes


Do you have a burning question about your burning urination?  Finding it hard to stay hard after a night of whiskey and PCP?

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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