Well here we are again, Christmas is here. I decided to celebrate what is arguably the drunkest of all the holidays by getting drunk and watching a very terrible Christmas themed movie.  Silent Night, Deadly Night is neither good nor watchable but my Christmas present to all of you lovely dirtbags is to suffer through this schlock and give you a very exciting (?) recap of events.

You know that iconic scene from the beginning of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation when The Griswolds are driving to get a Christmas tree? The opening scene in this movie is a lot like that only the family is driving to the mental hospital to visit a relative.

A very oppressively 80’s family go visit dear old comatose Grandpa and their shithead kid Billy is all whiny about it. But jokes on him because Grandpa goes nuts and scares the shit out of him by telling him that Christmas Eve is evil and if he sees Santa he better run for his life. (FORESHADOWING???) (YES!)

I have no idea why the Grandpa is pretending to be comatose in an old folks home when he is fully capable of speaking and telling kids terrifying stories, that’s really all you need to be able to do in life to get a pass from me but hey, I’m not a doctor.

The face of sanity

As the family drives home they run into an evil Santa who pretends that his car is broken down. Oldest trick in the book! The Family stops to help the stranded Santa and wouldn’t you know if he repays their generosity by murdering the shit out of both parents while Billy runs and hides. Also while this scene playing out the radio is playing a song about how Santa watches everything. They are really trying to hammer the point home that this kid is going to be fucked about Santa for the rest of his life. I’m surprised they didn’t add in a scene of Santa kicking Billys dog or taking his jobs dad at the factory.

The movie fast forwards a few years and now Poor Billy is now an orphan with a hilarious mullet living in a Catholic orphanage. He gets in shit for drawing an actually pretty good drawing of Santa getting stabbed to death, and the nuns are all “this kid is crazy” but one nun with a heart of gold, no not Whoopi Goldberg, thinks he needs to deal with the past trauma of his youth.

killing the reindeer seems a bit much

So Billy is just generally be a fucking weirdo around Christmas and he’s always worried that Santa is going to punish him and the nuns deal with this fear by doing the legwork for Santa and beating the shit out of Billy themselves.

Now Billy is all grown up into a beefy stud with a job at a toy store. I’m sure this will go great for him. He seems to be doing great at his new job until uh oh Christmas is here again! So its time for Billy to go ape shit! Also I might add the toy store he works at is called Ira’s Toys. I have a feeling Ira’s Toys would be selling a lot more Chanukah presents than Christmas presents but anyways, here we are. Billy is having a lot of fucked up dreams about Santa and he’s talking to himself a lot about how he wants to be good. Were therapists just not a thing in the 80s? I assume the cops were informed about the whole murder thing with Billys parents? Was there no follow ups with the child who witnessed the entire thing? Then again the 80’s was a crazy time what with Cabbage Patch Kids and Reaganomics.

the 1980’s everyone!

So in a hilarious twist, Billy has to dress up like Santa at the toy store he works at. This obviously goes poorly. Later when everyone at the toy store celebrates Christmas Eve by getting shit faced and eating store brand potato chips, as white people are often fond of doing. Billy is still wearing the Santa suit and he’s getting TURNT!

And by Turnt, I meant MURDERY!! He snaps and loses it and kills his co worker who ripped off his other co workers shirt and exposed her boobies. I’ve been to some company Christmas parties and let me tell you, that has only happened once. By me. I’m not allowed back. Once he murders the boob exposer, he turns his sights on the boob owner and thinks “What the hell, I’m feeling festive” and murders her as well.

Ira comes into the stock room to see what all the commotion is and Billy murders him too. This is irritating to me because the whole deal with Billy is that he’s snapped and lost it and he punishes people who are bad. So yea, that one dude ripped the girls shirt and was assaulting her, fine. But the woman and his boss didn’t do anything so I don’t know why they died. Oh he also murdered another woman with a toy bow and arrow set which obviously seems wildly unsafe if it can penetrate someone’s back and protrude out the other side. Again, the 80s were wild.

So now Billy is just roaming the streets in a Santa outfit. The scene cuts to some teens making out on a pool table and the girl goes to let her cat out, and Billy just kinda shows up on her porch, yells PUNISH at her, then chops the door down, powerbombs her onto the antlers of a stuffed deer head on the wall and then throws her boyfriend out a window, he then goes upstairs and gives the teens little sister a box cutter before slowly walking out of the house.  It was a whirlwind from start to finish. This scene brought up several questions. How the fuck did he know the teens were fucking on the pool table? Was he punishing her for leaving her cat outside when it was cold out? Why am I still watching this? I have no idea.

well anyways, see ya later

That  led into another equally baffling scene about some people sledding and Billy just leaps out from behind a tree and chops off a guys head while yelling PUNISH. I don’t even get whats happening here?? Why is he killing these people? That scene cut immediately to the interior of a police department where a nun is talking to a cop about Billy killing people.  These random scene jumps are going to give me fucking whiplash, this movie is a damn mess. I might also add that in some exterior scenes, the grass is completely green and in others there’s snow all over the ground. What a masterpiece.

Ahhaha ok wow. So the cops head to the orphanage with orders to shoot Billy who I guess they just assume is going there? So the cop is snooping around and gets an axe in the chest from Billy who, shockingly, yells PUNISH at him as he kills him. Yawn! Get a new line Billy! We’ve heard it!

kill..? no thats not right. LINE? Shit. Punish! right. got it

Billy then heads into the orphanage and attempts to axe the shit out of the head nun in slow motion for some reason, but instead gets shot in the back. Whoops!

Well Now the movie is over! Billy is dead! and so are my hopes and dreams! Merry Christmas everyone!

– you can find Rigby drowning her Silent Night, Deadly Night induced sorrows in eggnog and rum on twitter