Sexual Sunday with Varg Vikernes: The White Cat

Welcome one and all to the inaugural love advice column for  For those new to the site, you will understand that we are what the world may perceive as Satanic Alcoholics, the ridiculous goof troop of inebriated boneheads who spend a little too much time hitting the bong and listening to extreme metal.


What you may not know, dear readers is that one of our long time readers and supporters is none other than Varg Vikernes the only man circus and burlesque house behind Burzum.  Burzum is less famous for shittily recorded black metal songs from the 1990s and more famous for burning churches, murder, and insanity.  Though Varg maintains his own bit of crazy on a blog of his own, Varg contacted us, I’m assuming while high and pitched  kind of joint proposal.  He offered to help us pen an advice column since his video of love advice had gone off so well in the past.

If you haven’t watched the video..  here it is:


Dear Varg:

Please help! I have been dating a guy for a few months and everything is going great! Except his cat really hates me. Its causing a huge rift between us, anytime I spend the night I wake up to the cat scratching my face. My boyfriend thinks the cat is getting a “Bad vibe” from me, and is threatening to end our relationship. Please help! How do I get this finicky feline to like me?

Sincerely, Catastrophe in Connecticut




Dear Catastrophe:

Cats are clever, I had a cat that used to talk. I swear! Though it would only talk to me, he was great. I loved that cat. He really gave me a lot of motivation, he was the one who encouraged me to burn down all those churches, and he also helped me correctly feng shui my apartment. I miss that cat. He taught my all about eugenics as well, I mean he was a white cat so you understand where he was coming from.

Anyways with your cat problem, I would just poison it or stab it or whatever.

Best of luck with your beau


Varg Vikernes


Do you have a burning question about the burning in your pants?  Trouble in paradise when your wife caught you blowing the housecat?

Email Varg with your burning questions and you may see them in a future issue of Sexual Sundays.

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