Greetings you terrible lot. Happy December or what have you. How’s your week been treating you? Did you spend November like us here at the graveyard, freezing your ass off like a chump while waiting at the bus stop to go buy shitty brandy? Do you get irrationally angry when you see those fuck ups from the Salvation Army with the bells? Don’t you just want to do a flying Chuck Norris style high kick and kick over their little can of coins and then run away into the night screaming about being an agent of chaos? Yeah. Well, I do, so what do you know? If you knew anything, you wouldn’t be here chilling out with me so kindly go fuck yourselves and break out the egg nog and join me for some holiday drunkery (?).
Look. I fucking can’t stand the christ’s mass (also this is how I’m going to refer to it from now on and you should as well, because it’s so fucking weird and stupid and it will guarantee shut down that keep christ in christmas crowd). There’s something about Wal-Marts and stores open 24/7 to sell shitty crap and people losing their goddamn minds and mall Santa Clause rapists that just grates me. I was brought up in a very pagan household and this was just another occaision for my parents to cook all the meat in the world and get piss drunk and fall asleep by 4pm. We were not midnight mass goers, or anything foolish like that. Here at the graveyard we have some traditions of our own – we like to invite everyone over, drink waeshail and celebrate the winter solstice by getting quite drunk, which really, when it’s dark and colder than a witch’s tit outside the only solution is to forget your troubles by drinking all the rum and all the eggnog. Moderation is for communists and pussies.
Excuse me then good sir, what superfluous pocket did you say I put the keys to my dirigible in?
Anywho, in case you can’t already tell, this week’s Trash/Thrash Tuesday is going to be a special angel friend that marks the beginning of our YULETIDE season around here at the graveyard and holy shit let me tell you how fucking glorious this shit is gonna be. Look. I’m pretty high right now and I found a playlist of GOTH CHRIST’S MASS COVERS and I feel like I might be hallucinating all of this, but holy shit you guys.
Abney Park. Who here is gonna be a sp00py goth with me and admit to knowing this band! When I was a tiny angel of about fifteen I wrote for a magazine in my high school and interviewed these little friends.. really I got my musical journalism start pretty early if you think about it. Considering I’m turning 30 in like a month. Gross. Anywho, I thought Abney Park was the SHIT. Like I adored these fuckers and they even sent me their CD which I listened to on a DISCMAN like a wild animal foraging for scraps. Yeah. DISCMANS. DISCMAN. Just think about how stupid those were. I’ll wait.
Anywho. I ended up spending most of my twenties in a haze of hallucinogenic drugs that ended up with me listening to black metal and in all that fuss, I kinda forgot about Abney Park. It never occured to me that they were still a thing? Anyways, joke’s on me because this band is legitimately still a thing and released a new album in November which I definitely didn’t listen to a few tracks while incredibly day drunk on bad cider! Anyways, the fact is I need to sort out my life because I’m a ridiculous loser. If anyone needs me I definitely won’t be in my black claw foot bathtub drinking red wine and reading The Bell Jar. Uh. I mean. Look, you guys don’t understand me okay. NO ONE DOES.
I’m serious. No one understands me.
So with that in mind, let’s forget our troubles with some hard liquor, illict drugs and STEAMPUNK JINGLE BELLS.
You know, I once heard steampunk described as “when goths discover the color brown” and that is so accurate it’s wonderful. Mind blown. I’m gonna say right now, never got steam punk. Never did anything for me. Weird floofy goths though, I have such a soft spot for you in my heart of hearts. Whenever it last beat I was pretty pumped about all the spooky little children out there.
K. Let’s also be straight up here. I’m not taking the piss too badly out of these gentle friends in Abney Park (this band is named after a cemetery. did I mention that? that’s so fucking goth. that shit is so metal). I’m genuinely psyched I stumbled into whatever god forsaken youtube hole I did, though I can’t say I recommend following in my footsteps.. it’s kind of like that dope ass movie Pacific Rim where the super cool Japanese girl is all drifty or whatever with Charlie Hunnam and then she just kinda gaps out and starts hallucinating monsters. It happens to me a lot, but it’s probably nothing right? I should probably get that shit checked out.
Anyways – Happy start of the holidays you fuckrags, and if you’re one of those Grinch types can you please kindly get fucked. We know. WE KNOW.
Until next week you ridiculous fools. Wear that Santa hat, make out with Krampus and always stay SPOOKY.