Greetings to you fellow grease bags!  How goes the struggle this week?  Do you have your Halloween costume all ready and together?  Do you have plans to get fall down wasted at Halloween karaoke, and head home to have a smoke show with some jack o’ lanterns and eat Count Chocula and watch bad horror movies until 4am?  Those are a rough approximation of my plans so feel free to come and join me, because I promise I will entertain.  Last year on Halloween, I sang “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails at Halloween themed karaoke and we cleared the fucking bar out, so really I can only go onwards and upwards from here!

But for real though.  I hope you are all prepared for a night of horror..  or really let’s be honest – TWO nights of horror, because Friday is the warm up round for your liver given all the high fructose corn syrup, Reese peanut butter cups, shitty vodka and adulterated street drugs you will all be consuming come Saturday night while you wear a gross Halloween mask that smells like those shitty latex gloves that the ladies who take blood samples all smell like..  you know what I mean?  that gross vanilla meets medical waste plastic smell.  Ah my precious nose hairs.

Anywho – It pains me much in my heart worms (be a chum and do the right thing this year, vaccinate your bitches and hoes this flu season) that for TWO TUESDAYS in a row, this column will relate to the Danziggy Stardust, but throw me a bone here.  The Misfits basically have it nailed that they wrote the best ever Halloween spoopy themed song, and allow me to say I fucking LOVED the Misfits when I was like fourteen.  That shit was the bomb.  However, once I reached the age of collective reason, the idea of men my dad’s age running around taking themselves way too seriously in big spikey jackets seemed really lame to me.  Plus – can we all please agree that Glenn Danzig is just the worst.  I feel Danzig, I really do.  I know what its like to legally be a midget and how difficult it can be to get the cookies off the top shelf, or get a beer at the bar, I know what being carded at R rated movies feels like, and I know the pain in my back from wearing platform shoes.  I sympathize Mr. Zig, I really do.  However, the dude needs to chill the fuck out and stop feeding trolls online by being a pompous buttmunch.  Like.. that dude from Ancient Aliens, Giorgio Tsoukalos is fucking CRAZY, and let’s be real here, we would all fuck the shit out of that dude right?  Like, I’d make the sweat drip down those alien balls of his and give him an excuse for having hair that ridiculous..  Too far oldblackgoat?  Sorry oldblackgoat.

But for real though – that dude could be a total butthair and take himself way too seriously and cry into his oatmeal about all the memes of him on the internet – but he just embraced it all and now he’s the one who is laughing.  It’s just like when fat dudes wear shirts that say I BEAT ANOREXIA.  In the words of Tyrion Lannister, “Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”  Also – chill the fuck out dude and maybe stop beating the shit out of people like a crying baby having a temper tantrum in Mcdonalds while we all collectively cringe and wonder who isn’t breast feeding their child and we all return our gazes to our cancerous Big Macs.

Anyways because I can’t include the original Misfits version here, mainly due to it being awful, I’m including the AFI cover because look..  Davey Havok is ridiculous but he has a sense of humor and I think he wouldn’t be the most annoying person to be around.  Like if you were at the bifurcation of a river and one side led straight to Danzig and the other to Davey, and like Danzig was standing on top of a pile of bricks and throwing around fist fulls of kitty litter and trying to cram his gut into his pants and smoothing hair over his bald spot, and Davey havok was making a vegan smoothie and putting on some nice makeup and offering to give you a makeover, we would all accept a smoothie and a makeover, let’s be serious here.  Davey Havok gay or straight or whatever the fuck he is, has a ton of broads and dudes wanting to bang him, and he has really really nice hair so..  let’s accept that as the best possible option.  I mean yeah if you’re a dude you might leave that encounter slightly confused about your sexuality with some glitter eyeliner on, but hey..  it beats having a crying midget throw boxes of Kitty Fresh at you while howling “IM PRETTY”.

I once read a quote that said that AFI was the best Misfits cover band that never played Misfits covers.  Fairly accurate, but in this case this actually is a cover.  I guess this piece is a Thrash piee, because I don’t have too much to sling at AFI.  Davey Havok has been pretty good natured about me cyberbullying him on Twitter and all the times I’ve met the dude he’s been dope as fuck.  Allow me to say right here, I’m not endorsing the music of AFI, because that shit isn’t really my jam, but yeah hate me on this one if you want but I’d rather jam out to Sing the Sorrow than ever listen to Evil Elvis wail away.

Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember Halloween

Dead cats hanging from poles
Little dead are out in droves
I remember Halloween

Brown leafed vertigo
Where skeletal life is known
I remember Halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember Halloween

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember Halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember

Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween

With this in mind, this concludes the Halloween 2015 Trash/Thrash and I hope you all have such an amazing time and get way too drunk and make all the bad choices.

maybe don’t get a pervert teenage rapist john waters mustache, but yeah other than that make all the bad decisions

Remember kids – glitter eyeliner is always preferable to ever having to hear Mother, or Twist of Cain, remember that even though Danzig said so, please avoid hanging dead cats from poles, and yeah..  always stay Spooky!

Happy Halloween

Good Samhain