Hey friends! How are you! Have you spent the last two weeks shivering and shaking in the gutter from Trash/Thrash withdrawls? I know I have! Allow me to soothe your addled minds and junkie bodies with my sweet sweet crazed rantings because holy fucking jumping shitballs do I have some fail for you!
Do you like the metal music? Do you like it to be watered down try hard two tone hair inauthentic rhetoric made and sold to you by people you wouldnt even invite into your porch to take the cigarette butts out of your ashtray? Do you love being pandered to? If you answered yes to any of the above, allow me to inform you that I have you covered on all of those fronts. We can now go home, warm up a nice tall glass of milk and take turns punching each other in the vagina.
Okay so.. here’s some backstory, this was sent to me in an email with all block caps and some crazed gibberish about blackened metalcore. I can only assume that this has deeply destroyed the mind of Mr. Scotty Floronic because he hasn’t been right since sending me this complete and utter shit.
Anywho, since I’m feeling a bit like abusing you guys this week.. go check out this video. I will wait.
Well. Wasn’t that fucking enlightening?
Man I wish I could be at the boardroom committee meeting that decided that this particular pile of shit would be a good idea to birth into reality. “Okay so kids really seem to like that black metal, but the dudes in this band are pretty emo so let’s just cram that together and throw in some female pop backing vocals and yeah.. we are done.”
I couldn’t find the lyrics to this pile of infantile crap, but I honestly don’t know that it matters at this point.
That video, man.. boy that was really something wasn’t it? Boy that really… Fuck, I don’t even really know, but damn that whole thing made trying too hard into a fine art. That dickhead singer looks like a Ken doll from the 90s that someone slapped some basement scratcher tattoos on and called “alternative”. Throwing yourself into a coffin and spurting black paint from your mouth is cute if you’re a goth in first year fine arts, but it looks really really lame. To even have the gall to call this “blackened” is really just beyond me. Do you know Hot topic black lipstick mother fuckers even know what black metal is? Do you even comprehend the level of insanity that comes with it? Playing dress up with your friends in a black parasol is something that should be left to the Davey Havoks of the world. kthnxbyefuck