Ladies and gentlemen… boys and girls… dweebs, dorks, and dumb-asses… do I have a piece of crap for you. See, I used to think Birdemic was the worst movie I’ve ever seen that still retained a degree of watchability. Then I saw The Amazing Bulk, and my perceptions of what “bad” exactly was were changed forever. But recently, I have seen something that manages to lower the bar even further. This is something that’s not so much a movie, but a series of random images set to motion and sound. It’s truly an exercise in mental stamina that I’m fully aware that most of our readers might be unwilling or even unable to undertake. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I should be telling you guys about this one. It’s Marina Monster, and it’s rough.
Right off the bat, I need to tell you that there is not a single thing in this movie that makes sense. If I had to describe the plot, I guess the quick pitch would be “Romeo & Juliet over the backdrop of Jaws”, but that’s not entirely accurate. Recapping the plot of this movie is pretty much the same as trying to recall the details of a fucked up fever dream while the details continue to fade away as you regain consciousness. But I’ll do what I can. This is the story of two rival Commodores who are set to compete in a big yacht race with a large amount of money on the line. Meanwhile, the children of the two salty sailors are having a secret relationship. With all this going on, there is a shark in the waters of the marina that is eating people left and right. And it eats well, because people are constantly just randomly falling into the water for no reason. The structure of the movie is basically a scene featuring exposition immediately followed by wacky slapstick vignettes of random people we haven’t been introduced to (often wearing neon party wigs, for whatever reason) falling into the water to be presumably eaten by the shark. I say “presumably”, as the shark and the victims are never on screen at the same time. They show a cheap rubber floaty shark, and then cut to people in the water thrashing about before getting pulled under. It’s literally these two types of scenes repeated over and over again for 70 minutes.
Also playing parts are a news reporter who is trying to get the scoop on what’s causing all the people to disappear, and a “sexy” double agent who is working for both Commodores. At least that’s what I think was going on. It’s very confusing. And yeah, I put “sexy” in quotation marks. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that bull shit, but this movie takes place in a universe where attractive people must not exist. I wouldn’t even bring it up, except for the fact that EVERY female in this movie is treated like a sex object. Not since Lisa in The Room has a movie insisted on the attractiveness of characters so much.
Also, the Commodore’s son is apparently getting blow j’s from his step mother. Like a lot. And people are only mildly weirded out by this. It’s also implied (maybe stated outright) that he has slept with every female character in the movie. His girlfriend, his stepmother, the reporter, the spy… even a wheelchair bound Scandinavian masseuse who is introduced and never paid off. It was really hard to keep track of anything in this movie. Did I mention it was confusing?
So, while these random wig enthusiasts are getting eaten, the two star crossed lovers are the only ones who see what’s going on. I guess there’s no police in this universe, because other than the reporter, no one even seems to notice the dozen or so missing people through the course of this movie. On the day of the big race, the daughter (who is hilariously named “Oceana”, btw) is out in a dinghy, and get attacked by the shark. She manages to stave him off long enough for her boyfriend to speed out and rescue her. The shark charges the boyfriend, pops its head out of the water, and LITERALLY says “RAAARGH! GIVE ME YUM YUMS!”. So the shark can talk, I guess. Then, the boyfriend shreds its face with his outboard motor, and the day is saved. I should mention that there’s a good 20 minutes left in the movie at this point.
The rest of the movie is basically the aftermath of the race and the two main characters getting married. Oh, also there was this scientist type narrator guy who would occasionally interject throughout the movie like the criminologist from Rocky Horror. I forgot to mention him. He implies that the shark wasn’t the ONLY monster in the marina, and we’re shown some sort of frog monster. Yeah. This ends with a sequel hook.
This is a hard movie to describe, and an even harder one to decide whether or not it warrants a recommendation. Make no mistake… this movie is objectively a piece of shit. That being said, I had a blast watching it. I should add that my viewing was after being awake for almost 30 straight hours and drinking 9 beers. So if you’re prone to experiencing those optimal viewing conditions, or are just one of those people that need to experience every awful movie that comes out, go ahead and watch this thing. It’ll make you question everything you thought you knew about life, and leave you as an empty husk of a person. So it’s a pretty good time.
-Johnny is busy curating his wig collection on Twitter