So, about Megadeth… I was never really into them when I was a kid, but I do remember them being mentioned in the same breath as Metallica as far as one of the big names in metal in the 80’s. I know Dave Mustaine is a pretty good guitarist, if only because that fucking song in Guitar Hero 2 repeatedly kicked my ass. Once upon a time though, they had some degree of artistic credibility. Clearly, somewhere along the line, they lost their way. The result of this straying from the path can be summed up here, with 1993’s Sweating Bullets. This is a dreadful song with bad vocals, awful lyrics, no melody to speak of, and some of the laziest instrumentation I’ve ever heard. But I’m not here to talk about the song… I’m here to rip the video apart. Here are the 10 moments that made me feel the most embarassed for everyone involved.

 

10. Pissing in the Corner

 

In context, I guess this makes sense. Dave Mustaine is in a prison of some sort, and in a prison, they have toilets. Ergo, he would have to occasionally use the toilet. Here’s the thing, though… This video tries, and I mean TRIES… like WAAAAY too hard, to build a really psychologically scary environment. There’s all sorts of bizarre symbolism and whatnot. But then, there’s Ol’ Dave… just taking a piss break. Plus, this moment starts with him looking over his shoulder at one of the other Daves (more on that later), and giving him the old “Tom from Myspace” look. It just stops being spooky, and starts being really dumb. And we’re like 10 seconds in to the video at this point.

 

9. Dave’s Sing-Acting

 

This is probably my biggest single pet peeve in music videos. I absolutely hate it when singers try to literally act out the lyrics to the song. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a situation where this wasn’t terrible. In this garbage pile, whenever Dave sings “my palms are getting wet”, he holds his palms out to the camera. However, he is so bad at this simple little action, that every time he does it, he ends up looking like a toddler whose mom is asking if they washed up for dinner. “Yes, Mommy! My hands are KWEEEEEEN”. That’s all I can picture when he does this. I can’t imagine having the lead singer of a metal band remind you of a 3 year old who just finished scrubbing up is what anyone intended, but here we are.

 

8. Dave’s Fucking Face

 

This one could easilly fall under the sing-acting umbrella, but the dumb faces that Dave Mustaine makes, not just here but throughout the video, deserve SPECIAL mention. He’s trying oh so hard to be scary, but there’s nothing scary at all about him. He’s a skinny guy with bright orange hair making silly faces at the camera. It’s tough to pull off bright orange hair and make it look bad-ass. Our own Scotty Floronic pulls it off, but he also has them in dreads, and is like 9ft tall. And I’ve never once seen him snarl comically in a poorly excecuted music video. So points to you, Boss. Actually, Dave would look even sillier in dreads. I think he’s probably just a weird looking dude.

 

7. Too Many Daves!

 

So, in this depiction of insanity, Dave Mustaine is surrounded by a bunch of other Dave Mustaines. This is usually accomplished by extremely poor composite effects. Notice the while outline around each individual Dave. This is what graphic designers refer to as “artifacts”, and they are generally frowned upon in a finished work. Here, I’m guessing they didn’t bother matching the lighting conditions of the set to the green screen they filmed the composite pieces on. Look, I’m not even a film maker, and I’m almost certainly an idiot, and I know this stuff. This was basic stuff 20 years ago, man. Also, That’s just too much Dave at once. I like to zero in on a different one every time i watch the video. It’s a little different every time.

 

6. The Part With the Doors

 

There is a lengthy instrumental break about halfway through the song, and the corresponding segment of the video has the camera zoom out of the room with all the Daves, and there are several rooms, one on top of the other, where each one houses several copies of an individual band member. So, that’s nice of Dave to give the other band members about 4 seconds of screentime each, while he literally spends the other 4 minutes+ hanging out with like 15 versions of himself. Anyway, after maybe like 10 rooms, Dave pops up in his drummer’s room, and we’re pulled back down the tunnel, like Mike and the ‘Bots just got Movie Sign. The worst part is, the other band members were probably taking solace with the fact that Dave wasn’t around. They’re just hanging out in their own private freak outs. The, BAM! Out pops Dave, and their respective universes are shattered, and to make things worse, we have to look at his dumb face again. Just an all around bummer.

 

5. BRAAAAIIIIINS!!!!

 

Again, this could be thrown in with bad sing-acting, but come on! He’s holding a human brain in his hands, while he acts as the literal manifestation of the angel and devil on his own shoulders. This is indefensibly silly. Also, and I know this is a bit redundant, but look at the fucking face he’s making. I imagine that’s the face the people at the record label made when they saw this video for the first time.

 

4. This OTHER Other Dave

 

Ok, at least the shitty composite Daves were actually Dave. This guy on the right is CLEARLY just a random dude in an orange wig. I don’t really have a joke here… I just think it’s funny. I wonder if this is on that guy’s resume. Did the role of “orange haired figment” lead to bigger and better things for him? If you’re out there, wig guy, send me an e-mail. I have so many questions.

 

3. Hand Puppets

 

Here we see Dave literally talking to himself. Now, this is towards the end of the video, after we’ve been subjected to maybe 50 versions of Dave walking around… making goofy faces… pissing… etc… So I think it would have at least been an idea where if he was talking to himself the whole time, have him REALLY talking to himself. But no. Not even 2 seconts later, THERE ARE MORE DAVES THAN EVER! Also, I really wish his hands were wearing bright orange wigs. That would really tie it together.

 

2. Just This Whole Picture

There’s a lot to this picture… Maybe more than it seems at first glance. First off, we get the goofy faces. AND, we have the awful sing-acting. Also, He looks like a crab. He’s doing crab fingers. But let’s also take a minute to discuss the wardrobe choices. skinny jeans and a baggy, ill fitting black T-shirt. This is what I wear when I need to do laundry, and I’m down to the end of my clothes rotation. It isn’t something I would wear in a music video.

 

1. This .gif

 

On one hand, this represents a wonderful dream… Kicking the crap out of Dave Mustaine because he’s a sad silly man. Bu on the other hand, it shows the horrifying nightmare that is Dave Mustaine being proficient enough at kicking to make someone curl into a ball of submission. Careful you don’t rip them tight jeans there, buddy.

 

OK, so this is maybe the worst thing ever. Like across any artistic medium. The song and the video are neck and neck for which is worse, but when combined together? It’s just too much.  I don’t know how this song was released as a single, and I don’t know what kind of coke-fuelded spirit quest inspired the idea for this video. I’m actually shocked at how bad this is, watching it as an adult.  It’s a glorious confusing mess, and those really are the best kind.