Holy jumping fucking Jesus.  You guys.  You guys.  YOU GUYS.  Did you all collectively take a trip down memory lane with me last week or WHAT?  I always worry that when I really get into tearing something apart that my blood rage takes over and I end up making very little sense..  but I really tore Atreyu a new one last week.  Man, that review was good stuff.  This week, oh holy fuck do I have something special for you as well.  While I was busy strolling down screamo memory lane last week to look back at all the mistakes that the music industry has made, I found another band that everyone seemed to be obsessed with back in the day.  Avenged Sevenfold.  Like my Atreyu review of last week, I also found out that Avenged Sevenfold is still a band, and apparently still touring and people..  YOU GUYS PEOPLE STILL LISTEN TO AVENGED SEVENFOLD.  So I mean if you need an excuse to walk into a supermarket and open fire, you pretty well have one right there.  Not a jury in the world would convict you.  I mean alternately, you could just walk into a bar and drink straight from the whiskey bottle until you forget that folks do in fact still listen to AVENGED SEVENFOLD..  or A7X like the kids say.  Seriously though, just typing A7X made my dick fall off and now I have cancer, so that’s really great.

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING JABRONIS

So as if Avenged Sevenfold wasn’t cringeworthy enough, and they ARE cringeworthy..  Again, like Atreyu, a bunch of super atted up little momma’s boys who maybe need to lay off the Guns ‘n’ Roses and Velvet Revolver for a while.  If Scott Weiland is your role model, you may need to reevaluate your life choices.  I mean unless you are modelling your life after this:

And if you are modelling yourself after that ^^, you sir are doing the lord’s work and keep on keeping on you bright angel.

But seriously, if you’re idolizing a seriously fucked up junky, then you have more issues than simply being in a band called Avenged Sevenfold.  What are these guys avenging?  Wedgies of high school locker rooms past?  I’m sorry here, for all the super fans, these guys aren’t bad asses, they are just fail cats putting on tattoos and piercings to try to look dangerous.  The one dude in Avenged Sevenfold has yet to shed his goddamn little baby cheeks..  If a dude looking like Babyface Bambino is trying to mean mug me, all the eyeliner and badly thought out tattoos in the world aren’t going to stop me from howling with laughter.

Ok.  Is Avenged Sevenfold a comedy act?  Because I mean, if it was one of those Metalocalypse type things, I could probably get behind it.  These guys are in it for the long troll.  Mark my words.

Case in point – writing a song about Hunter S. Thompson.  We get it.  The man did a lot of drugs and was generally a mess of a human being who sacrificed both his sanity and life for entertainment…  Cool story bro.  Essentially though, most people who tell you about how much they love Hunter S. Thompson aren’t telling you they love his vast body of literature or what he did for news reporting in the 1970’s..  they are telling you how much they love drugs.  The thing being is that everyone loves drugs.  It doesn’t make you a cool dude to run around being all HEY GUYS I LOVE ACID.  My dad loves acid.  My Dad is an old smelly hippie with a bad heart and he’s still cooler than all of Avenged Sevenfold.

So I picked the song Bat Country this week, and only for the lulzy song lyrics, even lulzier video and to make some jokes at the expense of the drummer of A7X, the Rev.  Those jokes being, that the dude died of a drug overdose of Oxys and booze and whatever else, and the band has a song that has a line that goes “too many doses and I’m starting to get an attractiion” – the attraction to booze and pills only came after the Rev realized you guys made a video with a flying lulzy bat car and he started hitting the bottle really hard and prophecy rang true.

RIP in peace

I was recently at a metal show and saw a dude wearing an Avenged Sevenfold shirt and he offered to buy me a beer, but since I don’t drink with mediocrity and wasn’t entirely sure that he wouldn’t slip me the date rape drug, I declined.  Hopefully he went home to pen a song all Atreyu style about what a bitch I am.  I can only hope.

Until then kids – please get some fucking taste and listen to halfway decent music.  There’s a whole wide world of music out there and if Atreyu and A7X are your go to, you really need to think about leaving the garbage can/trailer park once in a while.  Just saying.

Anywho go watch this fail cat of a video:

He who makes a beast out of himself
Gets rid of the pain of being a man

Ah!

Caught here in a fiery blaze, won’t lose my will to stay.
I tried to drive on through the night,
The heat stroke ridden weather, the barren empty sights.
No oasis here to see, the sand is singing deathless words to me.

Can’t you help me as I’m startin’ to burn (all alone)
Too many doses and I’m starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone)
No one can save me and you know I don’t want the attention.

As I adjust to my new sights the rarely tired lights.
Will take me to new heights.
My hand is on the trigger and I’m ready to ignite.
Tomorrow might not make it but everything’s all right.
Mental fiction follows me; show me what it’s like to be set free.

Can’t you help me as I’m startin’ to burn (all alone)
Too many doses and I’m starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone)
No one can save me and you know I don’t want the attention.

So sorry you’re not here I’ve been sane too long my vision’s so unclear.
Now take a trip with me but don’t be surprised when things aren’t what they seem.

Caught here in a fiery blaze, won’t lose my will to stay.
These eyes won’t see the same, after I flip today.

Sometimes I don’t know why we’d rather live than die, we look up towards the sky.
For answers to our lives.
We may get some solutions but most just pass us by, don’t want your absolution.
‘Cause I can’t make it right.

I’ll make a beast out of myself, gets rid of all the pain of being a man.

Can’t you help me as I’m startin’ to burn (all alone)
Too many doses and I’m starting to get an attraction.
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone)
No one can save me and you know I don’t want the attention.

So sorry you’re not here I’ve been sane too long my vision’s so unclear.
Now take a trip with me but don’t be surprised when things aren’t what they seem.
I’ve known it from the start all these good ideas will tear your brains apart.
Scared but you can follow me, I’m too weird to live but much too rare to die.

Seriously though, clock the hoe at 0:40 in the video.  I’m surprised that given the heaving crashing of her silicone chest and the gnashing grinding of her jaws that much was accomplished on set that day.  FUCK.  You guys couldn’t even get high quality rent a hoes.  Hunter S. Thompson is turning over in his grave.

On that note, I’m going to go have a shower because I feel unclean.  Until next week – go listen to some Mortuary drape or Portal to clean out your brain worms, never trust a hippie, or an A7X fan for that matter, and always stay spooky!

You can find the oldblackgoat on twitter lost on her way to Bat Country.