Sometimes films don’t need to be made the first time, let alone remade. Hollywood is pretty notorious, and notoriously lazy, and because of this, all films just about are just retellings of previous stories.. building a new house upon what was previously a weak foundation made of greed and sadness. When we build higher upon greed and sadness, with more greed and sadness, we are left with a big steaming pile of phoned in, try hard, boring as fuck garbage. The only thing worse than a horror film that tries too hard to be scary and fails, is one that barely tries and goes along on a hope and promise and falls into the category of downright boring.
If I’m buying a ticket to see something in the horror genre, the worst possible thing I can end up being as a viewer, is bored. For whatever reason exists, the Drunk in a Graveyard crew despite having struck out so epically with Insidious 3 on Friday, endeavored to the local run down theatre that doesn’t give a rat’s ass if you haul in a six pack in your purse to see the Poltergeist remake.. or as hollywood is now calling remakes “REIMAGININGS”. Nope. You didn’t use even a bit of your imagination. Not even at all. So I am offended. LANGUAGE WAS INVENTED TO WOO WOMEN, DAMMIT.
Man alive though, I really can’t convey to you how simply boring and bland this film was. It was like we all decided to punch each other in the face a few times until there was no feeling left, and then drink skim milk, pablum, cream of wheat and then strolled around town saying vaguely WASPy things like commenting on the temperature and our local sports teams.
Can I also just say.. this movie cost $62 million dollars to make. !!!! Like. At that point, why not just take your money and throw it into a fire, or off a roof top like a ticker tape parade of some variety? Charge a whole crowd of people to come catch the money you’re throwing out and you’d probably be better off. This movie cost $62 million dollars to make and still looked like a steaming pile of shit.
So without further shit talking, please join me as I tear into this pile of garbage:
So. This movie actually had actors that aren’t total washed up druggies/drunks/porn stars in it, which is startling and horrifying. That’s actually the true horror of this film. Sam Rockwell plays laid off dad who needs to sleep, and he has legitimately been in movies that aren’t terrible. Like the Green Mile (IT HURT ME TO TYPE THIS BECAUSE I HATE STEPHEN KING), Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Moon. Apparently needing to eat and or needing to have coke money is high on this dude’s list of priorities so.. here we are.
Also, Jared Harris in this. With a British accent. An Irish man who legitimately has an Irish accent spends this whole film choking on his own tongue and trying to remain relevant since Fringe ended. Like. Why not just have the psychic be Irish? Why does it have to be awkward?
Anywho, since we all know the basic premise of Poltergeist the original, what with it having a Simpsons reference in Treehouse of Terror, and it being the basis for so many goddamn retellings of the same old haunting, that we are all dying of old age, I’m only going to go over this briefly.
Family is shitty and dad has no job, and for whatever weird financial reason they decide to buy a house and get a KILLER (!!!) deal on one, and boom.. it was built on an old graveyard that didnt have the bodies moved or moved properly or whatever. Ghosts with unfinished business talk to psychic daughter who starts talking to the TV, ghosts cause a ruckus and fuck with electronics and abduct daughter into their shadow realm to help them.. cross over? I don’t know.
First of all, if you are in debt and have no job – how did you get financing for a home, unless it was free? Wouldn’t a large scale family move be pretty low on the list of your priorities in terms of things to do that involve massive amounts of available income.. like. what idiot banker was like – oh hey you financial dirt bags who can’t even afford to buy paint and basic home supplies at the wal mart? Yeah, let’s give you a house.
In this version of Poltergeist the psychic is a TV psychic that just arbitraily agrees to come and take this job of getting a little child back from the netherrealm, and really since the kid was already talking to the TV, would it really be that big of a loss to just move on with your lives and yell at her occaisionally when she changes the channels from within. She didn’t seem to be growing up to be a winner anyways and we all can’t be winners.. so.. really.. just let it go!
Long stories get short, the little brother who totally fucked over his sister by leaving her for the terrible clown ghosts, goes in to get her and Hell or purgatory or whatever looks like.. pretty awesome actually. Just a big slimey orgy, possibly set in Silent Hill. This also begs my other question, since these souls have been dead and buried, and likely crossed over.. why would they be hanging around on this plane obsessed with their remains? Sounds like some Christian concept of some variety and no1curr.
The psychic and his estranged wife bang or whatever and the movie basically ends. So yeah. Who gave a shit. No one. This abortion didn’t need to be committed to any kind of film, and there’s no reason it was beyond ignorant greed. YOU KNOW WHAT THE KIDS LOVE. THEM SCARES. SHOULD WE WRITE OUR OWN? NAH. TOO HARD.
I really think the Drunk in a Graveyard crew would do well to see better movies, but really, if we did that, then we wouldn’t be able to churn out such quality (?) comedy for you guys. And then, where would we be.
Allow me to also say that I was on a good googling rampage for this piece of shit movie review, and found this photo:
That photo came from Angry Joe Sucks and those guys make me smile, so please go visit them and see what they’re about..
But until next time, remember to max out all your credit cards, lose your job, and be a general deadbeat because you can always buy a haunted house, kill your TV, and always, always, ALWAYS, stay spooky!