Insidious 3 or James Wan needs sandwich money

So, once upon a time, earlier this week, I uttered upon to Scotty and Rigbot the words of a penultimate curse – “Let’s go see Insidious 3 on Friday”, and that was something that came to be and wow, we had a real time, allow me to tell you. So I’ve previously had a good old tear at the Insidious franchise, mostly because I hate James Wan, and I super hate Patrick Wilson. If you want a good old refresher on how much I can’t stand this franchise, here’s a link for you.

So, for a franchise that has collectively shit all over itself from the very beginning, built upon the weak foundation of Patrick Wilson’s doughy frat boy face, James Wan’s weird fucking fascination with stupid puppets, and ghosts that are cross dressing old men and Darth Maul rejects, there wasn’t too much to build upon.
When the team went to see the second installment and the whole theatre turned into a raging drunken shit show with drunken frat boys screaming “TEAM ELISE”, we had some high standards to live up to for this showing, and at least, in that way, Insidious 3 did not disappoint.

Insidious 3 new poster horror movie 2015 (1)

To say the plot for this film was tenuous is an understatement. Some teenage “actress” hipster type goes to see craggy old Lin Shaye and is all butthurt because her mom died and her father is a bad actor/dad/person and is all “LET ME TALK TO THE DEAD”, and Lin Shaye is all, “NO WAY. BUT OK”.

And so then they conduct this shitty living room seance IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY (come on, even Miss Cleo doesn’t do that shit), what a rip off.

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oh honey chile, i see here in my crystal ball that daylight savings are ratchet

So Lin Shaye, who is a silver fox and I would totally eat her pussy btw, is all freaked out because I guess whenever you do a seance, ghosts come around and can fuck with your jams or some shit and she sees some cuckoo bananas ghost and he does start fucking with things.  Lin Shaye then literally brooms this stupid actress bitch who reads pretentious books off her porch and is all SORRYBOUTTHEDEMONKTHNXBYEEEEE.

So fuckin’ what’s her face Grace Kelly there heads home and is all U DONT UNDERSTAND ME DAD, and her dad who is played by Dermot Mulroney, who has actually legitimately been in movies..  such greats as Zodiac (which I fell asleep watching because it was such a laugh riot that was meaningful in scope and cinematography and definitely didn’t just shoe in Jake Gyllenhaal for no good reason at all), so I mean he’s clearly doing well as an actor and definitely didn’t also phone James Wan to try to work for sammiches.


a dramatic reenactment of how insidious 3 was cast

Anyways, this dude liteally phoned in his performance.  He’d be all..  “I……  loo……looove?  you?  me?  LINE!”  The point being is that acting is actually hard so that’s what we should all remember before we take to the internet to criticize Brian Mulroney’s brilliant performance of dad who works in Insidious 3 and tries to get his teenaged daughter to forget her hopes and dreams so she can take care of her portly little brother who was not really in the movie beyond as a way for them to find these internet assholes to help them fight ghosts.  Sort of like…  internet ghost busters if you will.

So after her botched audition for some school that doesn’t matter, little hipster gets run over by a car because how else would this plot move forward.

plot devices

plot devices

Anywho, since seances are dangerous and despite Lin Shaye saying that they are dangerous and then immediately performing one anyways, this teenage hipster douche gets haunted OBVIOUSLY.  Allow me to say right here that if you are being haunted and whatever that is haunting you, picks you up and throws you across your room and causes you to break your neck, that is an OBVIOUS haunting, and not an INSIDIOUS one, so really, this movie franchise is participating in false advertising of the highest order and I think we should sue.

I came to the theatre for gentle hauntings, and was rather upset by receiving the exact opposite.

So the little hipster soon ends up possessed because hey why not, and Lin Shaye is all “I CANT HELP YOU” until she goes and talks to pretty much the psychic Pai Mai who is all “I BELIEVE IN YOU LIN SHAYE/ELISE” and she’s like “YOU KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE IN ME TOO.  I AM GOOD.”



The portly little brother I previously mentioned, who is shoe horned into the whole fucking thing to show his dad some internet youtube ghost hunters, and at this point it came down to Bill and Ted the ghost hunters or PewDiePie.

okay bros do yous like want me to helps you get rids of some ghosts bros?

okay bros do yous like want me to helps you get rids of some ghosts bros?

Since PewdiePie is no longer relevant, and the Bill and Ted ghost team actually had some minor humor, the family was all, “OK PIKACHU I CHOOSE YOU” and elected to get Bill and Ted to help them.  The one dude I shit you not rolled up to this job (?) eating a blue cupcake and wearing a Casper the friendly ghost letterman jacket, so at the third act, this movie just became a shitty horror comedy, full of smash cuts and bad acting.

The evil demon (?) that is actually just a dude in an oxygen mask takes control of the little lame actress and takes part of her soul into the shadow realm that is called..  the Further..  I..  I don’t even know.  I don’t care anymore.  This movie franchise is giving me cancer.

shhh allow me to wheeze sweet nothings into your ear

shhh allow me to wheeze sweet nothings into your ear

The really only saving grace is that Patrick Wilson wasn’t in this piece of shit, and that’s barely any consolation.

Anyways Lin Shaye has to go hang out in the further after her psychic pep talk from Pai Mai, and then she’s all challenging ghosts to fist fights by calling them “bitch”.  Allow me to say, that unless you are a gangster rapper, fly girl, or Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, challenging someone to a fight by calling them a bitch is not acceptable and actually is laughable, like in this case.  The whole theatre was pandemonium during this whole fucking film – everyone was screaming, yelling, throwing shit, and it got to the point that a theatre manager had to come in and tell all the rowdy teens to pipe the fuck down and did so with a stern finger wagging since it is 1940 and all.

you damn kids

you damn kids

Anywho, of course there’s a dramatic scene of Lin Shaye facing off with her demons or whatever and she wins and everyone hugs and jerks off into each others mouths and forgets how to act all in like the span of five or so minutes.  The film ends with Lin Shaye offering to go into business with Bill and Ted and insinuating she wants to have a threeway with them which was pretty hot, and really I hope Insidious 4 is just a hardcore porno of her getting railed and Bill and Ted skeeting some ectoplasm on her face if you catch my drift.



Well..  that got way way out of hand.  Sooo..  Yeah, I dunno.  Too far?

I don’t even know anymore truth be told.  So on that note, and until next time you beautiful weirdoes, make sure to perform seances when you have been warned the exact opposite, get skeeted on by ghosts, and always stay spooky.
You can find the oldblackgoat on twitter talking about ghost bukkake and taking things way too far. Come on dude, love yourself.

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