Trash/Thrash Tuesday: Cradle of Filth – “Right Wing of the Garden Triptych”

Hey there friendship.  How’s it going?  Summer is almost here you spooky unwashed goth freaks, so have your pourchased comically large sunhats and black parasols to hide under?  Bought out Wal-Mart’s stock of 100SPF sunscreen in order to keep your ghostly pallor to attract all the ladies?  Do you have plans to spend your summer in a black claw foot bath tub full of cold water with a glass of red wine?  I CERTAINLY DO.  I love nothing better than chilling out like Dracula in my spooky ass cave like bedroom with some red wine, making all sorts of bad decisions, listening to Bauhaus and other spooky shit.  So if you need me, I will be drunk, alone, being creepy.

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not as creepy as this, but hey a girl can dream

I’ve come out of my spooky hideaway to impart some lasting wisdom for you fucks.  Firstly.  Cradle of Filth is still a band.  Secondly.  They have a new album coming out.  And Thirdly – they have a new song complete with a totally WTF video, and since I’ve been kindly to all that is dark and metal and much spoopy lately, I have been really feeling the need to sharpen my claws on the scratching post of life so without further ado and entirely for teh lulz, allow me to reign blows down upon your tiny ear auricles with this pile of steaming human excrement.

I can only assume you have opened that video and are currently staring in slack jawed horror at whatever happens to be playing out before your eyes. Lulzy fifty shades bondage? Check. Long haired dork in a wind tunnel nodding his head from side to side? Check. Dani Filth trying way too hard to be relevant and spooky? Oh yeah. CHECK. BING BONG. We have that shit on lock down.

First of all, this song is terrible. It really is just a bunch of shit thrown together in what I like to call the old, throw everything into the soup and see what tastes good schtick. There’s like fifty different kinds of metal going on here, and none of them are GOOD. There’s some thrash, some black, some death, some weird galloping screamo, power metal, and of course some wailing siren woman thrown in, in order for the whole thing to not seem like a super homoerotic sausage party of guys in cheap fetish gear and even cheaper makeup trying vainly to be tr00 and relevant. Oh yeah, just shoe horn some broad in there and it’s totally not gay right guys? NO HOMO. I can picture the mindset that comes along with this and it’s just a whole failcat of fail.

The video at least throws the viewer a bone(r) by showing some weird rope bondage that I guess is interesting because at least we don’t have to stare at Dani Filth’s withering gargoyle visage.
Honestly – this song is almost exactly like that really shitty one Nymphetamine that I Trashed a while back – same structure, same everything. HOLY FUCK. Do something new. Jesus.

I also might be jaded from having Portal blast open a doorway to the netherrealms within my soul, but seriously, this shit stinks out loud. If you are over the age of 20 and you are purchasing this crap or listening to it in any seriousness, you need to reevaluate your life choices that have led you to this point and possibly readjust your medicine intake, because you’re either doing too many drugs, or not enough drugs. Either way, you aren’t doing the exact right amount and that needs to be remedied post haste.

I was discussing with the hetero life mate, Scotty about this piece of shit, and I have some to the conclusion that this song was made as an actual troll. This song is mde for the sole purpose of clearing a room. Had a birthday party that went on a bit too long? People passed out in puddles of their own vomit on your couch? Weird people doing PCP in your bathroom? Oh don’t you worry about that, just throw on this stinker and those bozos will hit the road. At a funeral and the eulogy has turned into a drunken tirade? Just pop this shit on.. don’t even worry. Weddings, anniversaries, evacuations.. you could turn whole cities into ghost towns if you cranked this shit up loud enough. No word of a lie.

I may or may not have to burn down my home now. Ah, well. That’s life.

-You can find the oldblackgoat on twitter contemplating arson, and slathering on sunscreen to protect her vampiric pallor.

Jimmies rustled? Wanna fight about it? Let us know why below!

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