Hello there friendship.

Don’t you one day long for the savory moment when you will go see a horror movie in theatres and afterwards you won’t wish to the stars above that you had rather gone and had complicated dental work, nasal polyp surgery, or a wart removed from your nasty spot?  Yeah, me too.  I long for a moment where I will see a film of the horror genre in a movie theatre and not immediately want to rip my genitals off and throw them out a car window.  For realsies.

I’m sick of genre films that come out and pretty much just take a big steaming shit on the genre and everyone claps and applauds like the fucking trained seals that most horror fans are.  It’s fucking disgusting and makes my brain hurt.  Feeding into the brain worms that infect this genre like a plague, is not what will move the genre forward.  What this all amounts to is quite literally the definition of insanity – oh the same old shit?  Zombies?  Freddy Krueger?  Oh yeah let’s just jam all that shit malarkey together because the fetid mouth breathing fedora wearing cum stains will buy it and eat it up like a bag of doritos at Brony con.

the director of unfriended

Anywho, with that all out of the way, please join me for a review of the ham fisted UNFRIENDED (former working title CYBERNATURAL – which they should have kept because reasons).

This movie is a piece of shit filmed entirely on skype and if that sounds interesting and revolutionary, allow me to remind you that you are basically sitting watching people in a chat room.  Anyone have that really rude friend that invites everyone over and then won’t get off chat roulette or facebook?  Yeah.  This is what this film is like, except worse and weirder.  It’s not really neat or cool, it’s just lame, and after ten minutes you want to do what your dad suggested to do ten years ago – get off the internet and go be normal.

Allow me to say that the crowd for this movie was quite varied – with the obvious shitty fourteen year old dick bags, and randomly some octogenarians who may or may not have forgotten to take their dementia medication and thought this was a documentary about the internet or something.

there sure is a lot of stuff there on that internets

This movie follows a group of friends have their group skype on the anniversary of their other friends suicide.  Laura Barns was cyberbullied and eventually ended up committing suicide.  Sound like anything you may have heard about?  Are you from BC?  Keep reading.

The kids are a detestable bunch of 20-30 year olds playing 16 year olds waiting to go to prom.  Our main girl Blaire is promising her virginity on prom night (insert *eye roll*) to her bae Mitch (who she obsessively tects and messages and refers to as Mitchie).  Literally this bitch texts her boyf and then when he doesn’t answer the forty five texts she sent him, she facebook messages him, and then when he doesn’t answer that, she skypes him.

blaire, shortly before filming unfriended

Anywho, on the night of their friends suicide, which BTW she totally offs herself in the most metal way possible, by holding a pistol at arms length and blowing her face off, so thats fucked up…  Anywho, all these kids are all chatting and promising lackluster sexual experiences to each other, and then a RANDOM STRANGER enters their little group chat and the facebook account of their dead friend starts sending creepy messages to the kids.

close encounters of the blurred kind

Even though it takes a while, it turns out that the account and RANDOM STRANGER sending these fuck rags messages is in fact the ghost of Laura, who apparently has nothing else to do in the afterlife other than fuck around with these morons, and the kids start getting obviously freaked.  Personally, if ghosts were coming through my laptop, I’d fire the thing out the window, but I’m not a young teen with redditing to do and Forever 21 to shop at.

anyone who’s ever been with a virgin should know that this is not something to seek out willingly.

Laura, is clearly pissed that a video taken of her at a party drunk off her tits was posted online.  Since the internet is such a kind and loving place, Laura was told to kill herself numerous times and since YOUNG TEENS are so YOUNG and IMPRESSIONABLE, she does exactly that.

Oh yeah – while “virgin” Blaire and her boyf are cybering or whatever the kids call it these days, he randomly brandishes a knife at her and tells her to take off her clothes and show him her tits.  Since I saw this movie with a lady friend of mine who works in social work, she immediately leaned over to me to express how uncomfortable this scene made her.  It also made me uncomfortable.  This movie is rated 14A and looking at the attending audience of the showing I went to demonstrates that most people who are going to see this, are underage.  Sending a damaging message like this to young ladies is stupid and dangerous, and furthermore the movie could have progressed just fine without this scene.  It was ham fisted and thrown in there for literally no good reason and it came off as creepy, rather than edgy.  I can’t remember the last time I was out walking in a park and a man came up to me with a knife and told me to remove my garments and I giggled and blushed and assumed he was just a “bad boy”.  It’s fucked and it sends a message about domestic violence that isn’t cool.  Super awkward.

Anywho, Laura starts randomly offing people and makes them all confess to doing shitty things because really aren’t YOUNG TEENS just shitty people anyways?  Turns these teebs sell weed, roofie girls, rape said girl, force said girl to get an abortion, start rumors about fake eating disorders, post nasty videos, deface graves of dead friends, and you know, more typical YOUNG TEEN stuff.  All in all, the Offspring wasn’t lying when they wrote that song THE KIDS ARENT ALRIGHT.  But what can you do in a life of being a HOT YOUNG TEEN.

As the body count starts to pile up, it becomes clearer that one of these stupid assholes posted the video of Laura online and it is eventually revealed that MITCHIE GITCHIE posted the video.  What does the video contain you might ask?  What horror are revealed within?  Gangbang?  Bukkake?  Donkey show?  Monkey show?  Monkey donkey show?  Anal monkey donkey show?  Prolapsed rectum?  Yeah no.  Turns out Laura got mega drunk and shat herself.  That’s the big reveal.

I’m not kidding.

Literally, the life ending reveal of this film is that this bitch shit her pants while wearing white shorts (which if we are honest IS ever girl’s nightmare, what with the whole randomly bleeding every month or so thing.  White pants are lady kryptonite.

Pictured below is a dramatic reenactment:

Yeah.

Hate to break it to you all, but pooping yourself, though embarassing, is certainly not worth ending your life over.

I’ve seen a lot of folks find the brown note in their pants in my day, but for real..  no one needs to be offing themselves over it.  Quite literally this movie shit the fucking bed if this was the big reveal.

Turns out as well that our good pal Blaire was the one who actually took the video – so hey, what are friends for right?

a lot of missed oppurtunities to use this emoji

Again, this movie crashed and burned and wound up in the shitter (heyo)..

What really sucks, is that this movie ripped off two VERY well popularized incidents that took place in British Columbia within the past five years, and mashed them together and vomited out their piece of garbage.  Amanda Todd was bullied by her classmates after flashing on cam, and she eventually took her own life.  Before she committed suicide, she put a video on youtube where she shows cards with handwritten messages, and the very same video scenario is used prior to Laur’s suicide in Unfriended, during which the whole audience at this showing began BOOing.  The other incident mashed into this was the gang rape of a young woman at a Pitt Meadows rave, which was shot on video and published to facebook by the men who raped her.  She received death threats and had to change schools.  These are real incidents that hurt REAL people and had REAL consequences.

Unfriended literally shit all over these incidents and wiped their ass with the sorrow that is still being felt by these families.  Amanda Todd’s parents still campaign for anti bullying laws and charities.  They still mourn their daughter’s passing and I’m sure would be absolutely horrified to see something like this put to film.

Aside from being a cheap laugh with a group of friends in a movie theatre, this film is utterly forgettable beyond watching one time.  Is there a take home message present?  Not really?  This film is just another turd to flush down the toilet and you’re much better off downloading porn all night than seeing this thing..  at least the porn is higher quality and has better acting.

So remember kids – next time your friend takes a shit in their pants make sure to immediately post it online and tell them to kill themselves, use lots of emojis and promise your vaginity to some dick head with a bad haircut because he BAE.  Oh and always stay spooky.  Especially online.  Make sure to put “darkmoonlightravengoth” in your online handle.

– You can find Robin NOT pooping her pants on Twitter