Valentine’s Day is upon us again, and it marks that time of the year where people in relationships are bummed out by the proposition of having to make grand (read: expensive) gestures, and single people are bummed out by all the sweet sweet sex they’re not making. So, basically, everyone is angry, and the only people that are happy are the jewelry and oversized teddy bear cartels. So, in keeping with this theme of misery, I decided to take a look at a late 90’s teen horror shit piece called Lover’s Lane. If the prospect of sitting through a late 90’s teen horror movie wasn’t bad enough, I also watched it in French, because it’s the language of love, or some shit. Also, the full movie on youtube was the french dub, and there’s no way I’m paying money for this crap. I should also take a minute to point out that I don’t understand a word of French. Sounds fun’ right?

Uninspiring poster art for an equally uninspiring film.

Lovers Lane opens with some random teenagers making out, who are brutally murdered by a guy with a hook for a hand. The police investigate, and a little girl puts a box of chocolates next to the dead bodies. Again, I should add that I literally have no grasp of the French language, so a lot of this is going to be lost in translation, but it looks as if this little girl is at the very least, sort of morbid, and at worst, has some pretty severe mental issues. I have a feeling she’ll come in to play later. Also, I’m pretty sure this opening scene is some sort of flashback, but that’s a total guess on my part.

Also, Anna Faris is in this. Yep.

So we flash forward, and we’re immediately subjected to just hundreds of generic late 90’s teenager archetypes. Things are extremely VanDerBeeky up in this high school. I recognize an actress as one of the main characters on the first couple seasons of Saved By the Bell:The New Class, and I’m reminded of how sad and lonely my life is. This movie really IS a great simulation for Valentine’s Day! Anyway, she seems to be involved in the very VanDerest of Beeks, while the rest of the kids sort of hate her or something? There’s a hard cut to a mental hospital, where a doctor is talking to a dude chained to a chair. The crazy dude is all backlit, and kind of looks like Sloth from The Goonies, as best as I can tell. At any rate, we know that there’s a big crazy scary dude in this movie, and I hope he kills all these kids.

Generic 90’s male protagonist #634,982

Saved By the Bell girl runs to the school’s swimming pool, and tackles her boyfriend into it, causing quite the scene. I can see why all the other kids (possibly) hate her. They are both sent to the principal’s office, and the principal is the doctor from the mental institution? I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy. Or maybe he’s not the principal. This was a bad idea, you guys. It’s really confusing. The woman in the office might be the principal, but she’s also the VanDerBeek looking kid’s mom. Wait, no. she’s a teacher. She’s teaching sex ed, and throwing condoms around causing giggles. Ok. Maybe she was the girl from the (possible) flashback with the chocolates? Anyway, big scary dude escapes from the mental hospital, and Teacher Mom seems really freaked out by the news, so there’s obviously a connection there somewhere.

If only the parents of these annoying kids took the same classes…

The annoying teenagers all meet up in a bowling alley, in which the soundtrack is comprised entirely of swing music, which really hits you over the head just how Late 90’s this movie is. Remember that 2 months 15 years ago when swing music was popular, you guys? That’s the specific time frame in which this movie takes place. Also, there’s a fat nerdy kid who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt over a sweater, and he is caught jerking off in the bathroom, possibly immediately after taking a crap. Like, he was sitting in the stall, grabbed some toilet paper, seemed to wipe (didn’t flush, mind you) and just starts going to town on himself. Also, he’s doing it under his shirt. Like his shirt is over his junk, and he’s made himself a little tent. He’s gonna ruin that shirt. How is he going to explain those stains to the dozens of generic teenagers waiting outside in the bowling alley? Anyway, Saved by the Bell girl catches him, because she’s in the men’s room for some reason? I don’t think this sequence would have made sense, even in English.

I don’t make this stuff up, guys

Saved By the Bell girl (who I think is named Chloe) seems to have gotten over VanDerBeek, because she’s now sucking face with a guy who looks like a young Ted Moseby outside a convenience store. She goes in, presumably to buy some condoms for their awkward teenage bone-fest later on, and comes across a corpse, and crazy Sloth dude. A cop who was creeping on the couple, goes in looking for her when she doesn’t come out, and is immediately pulled head first out a window and killed. Sloth leaves in the creepy cop’s car as the rest of the annoying teenagers pull up to the store, and are met by VanDerBeek who has snuck out of his house. He might have been grounded from the pool incident, or maybe his mother just wanted him to stay in because of the killer on the loose. At any rate, Chloe is shown to be alive and well, and is up on Lover’s Lane with Ted Moseby making out. Nothing is said (to my knowledge) of the dead body in the store, unless that kind of shit gets her in the mood, or something. Chloe gets her tits out, and seems to get mad at Ted Moseby because he isn’t super excited to see tits, which is totally understandable.

Teacher Mom is super worried about her kid, so she goes to see the sheriff, who kind of looks like a cross between Mike Rowe and Bill Mahr. Meanwhile, the generic teenager crew arrive on Lover’s Lane, and see Ted Moseby’s car. The nerdy masturbator finds one of their friends all bloody and shit… but it’s a prank. It’s just ketchup. They all get a good laugh in, and resume looking for Ted and Chloe, who are both actually dead. They’re all like,”Oh, the ketchup prank again! classic!”, but one of them realizes their wounds don’t stink like hot dogs, and ketchup boy is killed by big scary Sloth dude. YES! Finally, we’re thinning these ranks a bit. it’s been almost 45 minutes to this point. So, Fat Masturbator runs away and alerts the rest of the group, who are all like “are you SURE it wasn’t ketchup?” (again, i’m totally guessing what was happening here), and the kid said “IT DEFINITELY WASN’T KETCHUP, YOU GUYS!!! RUN!!!” Then, instead of getting in the car, and calmly driving away because even the fastest person alive can’t catch you in a car, they comically panic, and crash the car into a tree.

This HAS to be the weirdest product placement I’ve ever seen

The idiot kids all find their way back to a house, and of course, start getting picked off one by one. VanDerBeek and a brunette girl go to find the car, while Anna Faris tends to the nerdy masturbator, who was injured in the attacks. Meanwhile, teacher mom and the sheriff meet up at her house in a scene that involves a dog’s head in the fridge, and a cat scare. It just isn’t a shitty horror movie until you have a cat scare. They leave to try to find the kids, who are still at the house, trying to escape. Ol’ Hook Hand breaks into the house, and scares Anna Faris away from the nerdy kid, and she barricades herself in a bedroom. Unfortunately for her, the killer has already taken the time to scrawl “DIE, BITCH” into the wallpaper, and hide under the bed. She takes a hook to the vagina, and dies. The nerdy kid is dispatched, and VanDerBeek and brunette girl get startled by a pig. OK, a pig scare? This movie is just taunting us with its ineptitude at this point. They finally get the car started just as Hook Hand is about to get them, but they immediately crash it (AGAIN), and have to run around on for for a bit. They wind up back on Lover’s Lane, where they find Chloe is still alive, and regaining consciousness. I guess it really WAS ketchup after all. Anyway, they all get in Chloe’s car, and to the surprise of absolutely no one, she reveals herself to be the killer. Brunette runs away, and is caught by ANOTHER Hook Hand, who reveals himself to be Dr. Principal. VanDerBeek burns Chloe in the face with a cigarette lighter, and runs away. Chloe tries to give chase, but she’s stopped by the REAL Hook Hand who kills her for real this time. I guess he didn’t take too kindly to people infringing on his gimmick. Teacher Mom and the Sheriff show up just in time to kill Dr. Principal before he murders VanDerBeek, and the kids are shown getting into the back of a police car, presumably to go home. OF COURSE, a hooked hand shuts the driver’s side door, and they are driven off, presumably to be horrifically murdered. The end.

You guys, “Sequel Hook” is just an expression…

It’s hard to judge this film fairly, because I have literally no idea what a single line of dialogue was. That being said, much like most late 90’s teen horror movies, it was predictable, derivative, and annoying as all Hell. This is an extremely forgettable film in a long line of extremely forgettable films from the same era. It had all the hallmarks… 30 year olds playing teenagers, full of cast offs from teen TV shows, awful characters, and overwritten endings full of nonsensical twist endings. I am honestly not sure if it would have made more sense watching it in a language i understand. It’s crap, and I feel bad for watching it. But at least it took my mind off of how painfully single I am, and for that, I guess it should be commended.

–You can find Johnny Zontal trying to secure product placements on Twitter