One time I woke up in the middle of the night with an idea I thought was absolutely hilarious, it was so funny to me I got up out of bed and wrote a note about it in my phone so I could remember the next day. In the morning I checked to see what this amazing note was and all it said was “new saying– corn yes” I have no idea what that means or why I thought it was so funny. Tusk is the movie equivalent to an idea you think is hilarious in a haze (sleepy or otherwise) but then is not as great in the light of day. Unfortunately unlike corn yes, Tusk was released to the masses. What is this movie? And should I be saying corn yes to it?  you might be asking yourself. Well here’s the scoop

Tusk is a movie about a man who gets kidnapped by an insane recluse who then surgically alters him to look like a walrus. Before you ask, yes the song Tusk by Fleetwood Mac is in it.  Kevin Smith is behind this thing, if that gives you any indication of the amount of banter that’s crammed in this frigging movie. I was lucky (??) enough to watch this movie with Scotty, Robin and several beers so it didn’t seem THAT bad to me but that was probably the beer talking.

It opens with Haley Joel Osment (yes, he is still alive looking like a potato brought to life via magic) and Justin Long who run a podcast that seemed to be dedicated to farting around and making fun of internet fads. Lets be real, I would absolutely download this thing and so would all of you. Anyways, Justin long is going to Canada to interview Kill Bill kid, who is this movies version of the Star Wars kid. Remember that one? From like 2002? Keeping your fingers on the pulse of the internet there Kevin. Once Justin arrives he discovers that Kill Bill kid has killed billed himself. What a selfish dingus. Justin is very upset about this but soon discovers a note in a bathroom stall advertising free room and board along with exciting stories from an old seafarer to whoever inquires. Hoping he can squeeze a podcast out of this, he visits the old mans mansion.

There was a very tedious scene in which Justin visits a convenience store to get directions. I think this was only to shoehorn in Kevin Smith and Johnny Depps daughter who were both inexplicably in this movie as cashiers effecting very bad Canadian accents. I don’t understand Kevin Smiths obsession with Canada, I mean yeah we are pretty great but get off our jock Kevin it’s getting weird.

Once Justin arrives at the mansion he immediately makes the number one mistake in all horror movies and accepts tea from this creepy old man in his creepy old mansion. Listen up jerks, if a stranger offers you any sort of beverage in their off the beaten track, sprawling mansion while they stare intently at you to make sure you take a sip. Don’t. Just don’t. Claim you have explosive diarrhea, make a run for the bathroom, jump out the window and escape into the night. You’ll thank me later.

Drink your tea I mean poison I mean tea

As Justin is drinking the obviously poison tea, his host Howard tells him a story about how he was rescued from a shipwreck by a walrus that he later named Mr. Tusk (REAL ORIGINAL HOWARD) I have to mention that there was a real weird undertone with this whole conversation and I am almost certain Howard made out with that walrus. I’m pretty sure I actually said “did he fuck that walrus??” to everyone watching the movie. Anyways, Justin passes out from the tea (YOU IDIOT) and later wakes up with his left leg amputated. It happens. Howard then tells Justin that he plans to transform him into a walrus so he can relive the good times with Mr. Tusk. Justin is understandably not cool with this and I don’t really blame him to be honest.

I AM NOT HAVING FUN

Meanwhile Haley Joel (who is unfortunately named Teddy in this movie)  and Justin’s girlfriend Ally head to Canada since Justin hasn’t been heard from in a few days. A local cop puts them in touch with Guy LaPointe (GET IT? HES FRENCH!!) a drunken ex cop from Quebec who has been on the hunt for Howard for several years, after suspecting him of killing and kidnapping countless other victims. Now this is where the movie stopped completely dead for me.  Johnny Depp played this part and he was chewing up the scenery like he hadn’t eaten in months. Honestly it was terrible.  His introductory scene seemed to drag on forever. I was still completely on board with this movie about a man transforming his kidnapping victim into a human/walrus best friend until this stupid cop scene, that’s how tragic the entire thing was. Everyone in the room was booing the screen.

I’m what the French call le terrible

The trio of idiots find out where Howard lives after speaking to the convenience store clerks from earlier and head off to his mansion to rescue Justin. Meanwhile at Casa de Crazy, Justin has been sewn into a walrus costume and had his leg bones sharpened into tusks and affixed to his jaw. Waste not, want not. Howard makes Justin live in a little walrus enclosure that he has in his mansion that I’m sure no contractor at any point questioned during construction. The scenes of Howard screaming at Justin to become a walrus while Justin made weird bellowing noises were hilarious to me. It was really the highlight of the entire movie. I always love scenes like this in movies because it means that Justin Long had to drive to work one day and say to himself “this is the day I get to put on that walrus suit and then eat an entire raw fish while bellowing like an animal. I made it. I’m a star”

Next stop the Oscars!

Howard then reveals to Justin that the reason he made him look like Mr. Tusk is because Howard feels really guilty for killing and eating the original Mr. Tusk (you jerk) and he wants to make amends. He does this by putting on his own homemade walrus suit and forcing Justin to fight him.  If Hallmark made “To my beloved walrus friend, I’m sorry for killing and eating you,” cards we wouldn’t be in this mess.

The three amigos burst in just in time to see Justin impale Howard with his tusks, instead of being hyped that her boyfriend won the big match, Ally is very upset that he has been turned into the worst Animorph in history.

well maybe not the worst animorph

A year later Teddy and Ally visit an animal sanctuary and throw a dead fish into an animal enclosure. Justin emerges from his little walrus hole and eats the thing while the two look on. The camera zooms in and we see a single tear slide down Justins Face. AND SCENE.

This movie left me with a lot of questions, namely what animal sanctuary would be ok with this? He is clearly a man sewn into a poorly made walrus suit. How did teddy and ally explain that. “yea, my ex boyfriend got changed into this horrible half man/half walrus and I really don’t have the space for a pool in my backyard so can you guys do anything about it?” or did they just push him out of a moving car with a note pinned to him that said “YOUR PROBLEM NOW” I don’t understand why they didn’t take him to a hospital, he’s just sewn into the suit so I would imagine his body sans legs is still pretty ok. Good god. You guys, if I ever get sewn into a walrus suit by an evil maniac could you at least swing by the ER and if it’s not too long a wait maybe leave me there before dumping me in a walrus pit at the zoo? Thanks in advance.

In conclusion, I give tusk 2 Johnny Depp’s in a bad wig out of 5. It would be higher if I had a definitive answer as to whether or not that guy made out with Mr. Tusk (I bet he did )

You can find Rigby drinking away the pain of watching a man-to-walrus transformation on Twitter